SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

ohiocarrie535 posted 11/16/2013 22:56 PM

We are 9 months into reconciliation. We were doing well until I caught him lying about looking at porn. Now I'm finding myself feeling attracted to his new friend. I've been open about this with my WS, and he isn't concerned. It makes me feel like he takes me for granted. Meanwhile I'm also ashamed because he's married. I would NEVER do this to another women. But I feel so guilty! Has anyone else experience this?

sudra posted 11/17/2013 06:46 AM

I have not had this happen but I do know that you are on a slippery slope and you need to end contact with this person. You are already starting an affair whether you H knows about it or not.

Nothing good will come of it. Please stop now for you own sake.

Camille87 posted 11/17/2013 10:08 AM

I think being attracted to someone else is not unusual. If you were betrayed it is normal to wonder what a relationship with someone else might be/have been like, specifically someone who wouldn't cheat. I think the sentiment behind it is that you have somehow "missed out" on what other people have if their marriage have been untouched by infidelity.

I think too that sometimes that sentiment comes from the desire to just be loved and really appreciated by someone. A betrayal causes one to feel that the WS just didn't see (or maybe forgot?) your beauty and value as a person so you automatically wonder if maybe someone else could get to know you and fall deeply in love with you which is unlike the behavior your spouse displayed. The desire to experience that is normal because you desperately need that after infidelity.

Also since the WS took license to look at other options sometimes the BS feels that they have the same right especially if you're considering D. It's a natural curiosity to look at options that would be possibilities for you.

Of course it could also just be a deep need to retaliate. Your spouse would know the pain you're going through and it would be a great revenge to soothe your anger. The problem is, wrong is always wrong and there are always consequences so while I understand the temptation to look, don't act! Your marriage would likely not be able to sustain a 2nd lethal blow. Since you're in R, put your efforts there instead.

Are you all IC? MC? Porn is very harmful to the marriage. I think many would consider it being unfaithful. I would let my BS know I was very upset about his choice to look at porn!

Best wishes in your R. It's a hard road but I keep hearing it's worth it.

HardenMyHeart posted 11/17/2013 11:53 AM

It makes me feel like he takes me for granted

No, it just means that he trusts you unconditionally. I think most of us BS's had this level of trust until we were betrayed. It's a very special thing.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 12:32 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

karmahappens posted 11/17/2013 12:56 PM

I don't believe being attracted to a person means you are already having an A...heck if it did we would fill up the Wayward forum.

It's how you handle the attraction. Don't lean into it. Keep talking with your H and keep yourself away from guys in general right now.

It's tough when your world has been shaken to not find solace in places you wouldn't normally go to. Stay strong and don't devalue yourself.

I don't remember if you are, but if you are not in IC I would be finding one, it will help.

And is your WS not concerned because he trusts you? Or not concerned because he doesn't care? Are you trying to make him jealous? Don't, It will backfire, IMO.

Be true to you and find your healing within yourself, not others.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 1:26 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

ohiocarrie535 posted 11/17/2013 13:56 PM

Thanks for your replies. We are both in IC and will be starting MC soon I hope. His IC hadn't cleared him for MC until last week. My WH obviously has a lot of issues! I talked to WH again today about how his dismissive attitude has made me feel not valued. I think he gets it now. I had already decided to steer clear of the other guy. Even if my spouse thinks it's harmless, I know better. I learned the hard way.

2married2quit posted 11/18/2013 07:33 AM

ohiocarrie535 - I know how you feel. My wife came home on DDAY as I caught the texts and all and she admitted to the affair and also said "I fell out of love with you and I'm not sure I want to be married to you..." So it was a double bomb. Months of fog, broken NC and still didn't love me. Naturally after 20 something years of feeling secure in love, you are out in the cold. You need to feel loved and wanted. Somehow I thought it was time to find someone else only to find out, I was not ready. This was just a reaction. So I say, stop contact with that person ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE MARRIED!!!!

But we know how you feel. To this day I still get that feeling cause she is still not 100% committed. :(

Hang tight.

Hugs.

struggling3 posted 11/18/2013 07:45 AM

Attraction is a natural thing...some people feel it easier than others. This is what I tell my FWH about attraction. It's OK as long as it only lasts about a minute. That is on you to acknowledge it and purposefully walk the other way instead of towards it.

blakesteele posted 11/18/2013 07:47 AM

Yes, I have felt and feel this too. I regularly talk to my wife about it...post about it on here...anything to keep me from keeping it inside.

My wife does not understand this really...has asked me to stop doing this. I am understanding it makes her feel bad...and hate that. So I have toned down the amount of time I visit with her on these feelings. I have increased the amount of times I visit with my real life male friend on this...

My concern is that if I dont acknowledge these feelings they could grow and influence me. I like to think I am stronger then my feelings...like you, I think I would NEVER act on them....but the truth is my wife sooo felt this way before her affair too!

I think you are normal. I think you are doing the right thing by voicing this to your husband. I think your continued trust in your husband is admirable....while no one likes to be taken for granted, there is a component of comfortableness that is born within trust in a healthy marriage. Afterall, who wants to be in a marriage where you are so afraid to leave the house in the morning to go to work thinking your wife is going to fuck another man while you are away?

Yes, I feel guilty about my feelings too. Truth is I have always found other women attractive....one of my few boundaries in my marriage was to be very cautious and alert to these feelings. Since my wifes A I have been tempted to soften those boundaries...and, occasionally, have. Not to the point of adultery...but at a dangerous-to-me level. To a stronger person looking in on me they would not consider myself on the slippery slope...but I knew I was.

My wife has said "You would never cheat on me"....anymore when I hear the words "never" "always" and "should" a flag is raised and I really question whatever is being discussed. My wife is a good person....she had an affair with a middle-aged married man and father of 5. You are wise to recognize these REAL feelings in you and to examine them fully....it will reduce the odds of you acting on these feelings in the future....especially when your needs and desires are not being met by your husband.

I am sorry you caught him lying. I am sorry that he is using porn. I used porn for decades....never thought it was damaging. Both my brothers use it, my Dad uses it, my wifes Dad used it, society is pretty accepting of it. I see it in a whole new light. If he is interested in breaking his habit, breaking the destructive cycle that porn is I highly recommend "Every Mans Battle" by Steve Arterburn....it changed my life! Literally changed my life.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:48 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

2married2quit posted 11/18/2013 08:00 AM

The thing is that we are very vulnerable right now. Other people maybe ignorant to it, but others can certainly take advantage of it. Just like your spouse was broken and someone else cashed in on it, same here. I'm not saying we're all victims, but it does start somewhere.

We need to be loved, accepted, cared for, respected..etc. We feel all that and more has been broken so if you've ever felt an attraction for another person, this would be the time where that can be MORE than ever, but MORE dangerous than ever as well.

bionicgal posted 11/18/2013 08:16 AM

I appreciate all the honesty on this thread, and it sounds like you know what to do, ohiocarrie. Most people who have affairs never thought themselves capable of it, so be very, very careful.

ohiocarrie535 posted 11/18/2013 14:46 PM

Thanks so much for the support! I never liked him looking at porn, but let him do it anyway. But since the affair I've felt differently about it. The real kicker was I basically caught him red handed, YUCK! And he still lied! It's the lying! I've been crystal clear since dday that any lying on his part would be VERY bad. And he did it anyway. That hurts. I hope he understands that. He says he does, but who knows :(

karmahappens posted 11/18/2013 14:51 PM

any lying on his part would be VERY bad

Yeah it is very bad, but you need consequences in place for his actions. You cant just point your finger and say "BAD WS,BAD" KWIM?

Have your line in the sand and be prepared to back up your threats.

ohiocarrie535 posted 11/18/2013 15:43 PM

Karma, yes I drew my line. After I caught him I left and stayed at my parents overnight. When I was more clear headed I told him that I am prepared to walk away if he does this again. I'm so tired of the drama! After 9 months of reconciliation divorce is definately still a possibility for me. It surprised him when I told him that. He had made his IC more of a priority and worked on getting us in MC. But honestly, I'm pessimistic.

HurtButHopeful? posted 11/30/2013 14:41 PM

ohio, like you, after DDay#1 over the EA, there was a DDay#2 over secret porn use. #2 was almost worse than #1 because he knew I was already hurt and needing honesty and commitment from him, yet he chose to lie some more.

Regarding WH's friend, stay away from him. No conversations, and definitely no flirting. Do everything you can to make him think you aren't attracted to him, so you don't have to ward off anything coming from his side of the equation.

I say this from experience. 15 years ago my H had a friend who I began having a strong attraction to. When I noticed what was happening inside of myself, I didn't tell my H, or the guy. The guy never gave me any indications he was attracted to me, so it was easy for me to just become the person who answered the door, or brought him a glass of water when he came to visit my H. Then I would make myself busy doing something else, and let them visit. I never let on to either of them what my mind, or hormones were trying to do to me. Attraction is going to happen, but it is how you handle it that makes you a faithful spouse or a cheater.

edt bad typing again

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 2:43 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

HormonalWoman posted 11/30/2013 15:25 PM

I can totally relate. Atm i have a huge crush on someone. I know that it's probably just because i feel down on myself and about my relationship with wh. I know it holds no answers and am very aware of the slippery slope. I do not think the other person has any attraction to me which is a good thing!

Pawpatch posted 11/30/2013 20:04 PM

I could never ever do to another woman what has been done to me. I also would never start a relationship if I was trying to repair my marriage or even a long term relationship.