BS 47 WH 46
Married 22 yrs
2 girls late teens
DD May 2013
I know the feeling of wanting to confront her, unfortunately she probably doesn't give a shit about what she has done to your family, I don't think any of them really do!
I have noticed you are a fellow Aussie, where are you located?
I understand the urge to confront OW. I did contact OW. It didn't help. In fact, it added pain. I think that, more often than not, it does.
Have you considered writing her a letter? You can confront, vent, express your feelings---then tuck it aside. You can choose whether/when to deliver/send it. Chances are, you will decide not to send it after a bit of time passes and you realize how very, very little either she or your husband thought of you.
See, here's the thing: we aren't even a consideration. We're not really a part of the equation. Best case scenario, we are discussed, plotted against, viewed as the enemy to be evaded. More often, we just don't even factor in to the affair. At all. We are boxed up and shoved into the corner of the attic, not even a consideration.
Learning that we were vilified, if that occurred, is painful. Learning that we were not even a consideration---that we, our kids, our marriages, our families were not even thought of---is excruciating.
And that is what contact with OW will bring. OW said to me, "I really didn't like you much" to explain why she decided it was all right to have an affair with my husband. It was as simple as that, and it was a punch in the gut. She had never met me. It did not occur to her that a man who would lie and cheat on his wife would lie to her. When it finally did, she felt ...betrayed. She did not accept responsibility. She blamed him. And yes, there was plenty of blame to spread around---but my point is this: she never got it. She never will.
Your OW will not, either. Even if she is remorseful, which is not likely, she will never understand, much less begin to feel the depth of your pain.
Don't give her another opportunity to show you how little you mattered.
Do not add to your pain. Find another way to cope with it. Write it in a letter, and burn it, releasing the pain with the smoke. Or keep it and add to it, releasing your pain over the next weeks and months. Post it here, and let us agree with you that she's a vile monster, and your husband a duplicitous beast.
But don't contact her. It will not give you what you are seeking.
(And I say this knowing how ridiculous it is for a woman who did not listen to this same advice to pass it on, and that you are very likely to ignore it as well---only to give the same advice later.)
Take care of yourself during this time. Is he trying to help at all? Is he remorseful or being an a$$? You might even check with the local cancer support group to determine if there is a support group to help with this type of loss you are experiencing. There might be some help.
Hugs to you.
I would contact her parents. Send a letter to them. At that age she has no idea of remorse, but would succumb to humiliation and peer pressure. It is all about image and fun at this point for her.
I'm in a little country town in SEQld.
Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.
Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.
I'm so sorry your cheater cheated with a girl. Yes, a 19 yr old is a girl. I read a blog about a 21 year old girl who cheated with a 60 year old guy and the wife harrassed the girl! Unbelievable to me, sorry! I wrote to her and reminded her that the girl was 21 and she got so angry with me saying to me that no 21 year old is a girl.
So my response is: both of your husbands had an affair and f'd girls - not women. To me women are females that have lived and loved (not f'd) and worked real jobs (not here and there, but a commitment) and have lived long enough to become wise.
That is not a 19 year old or a 21 year old.
I'm sorry your cheater chose a girl to f - one that is almost the same age as your own girls - his girls? You state you have 2 girls late teens. Well, 19 is late teens.
Leave the girl alone, really. She is stupid because she can't help it. She wasn't raised right, obviously. She is learning boundries, for heavens sake and is not a 40 year old that should know better. I know I sound harsh - I'm not, I'm just seeing it from the outside. Your husband is beyond words to me.
Yes - maybe the marriage is over. Only because he f'd a girl almost the same age as his children. YUCK!!!! and GROSS!!!
I'm so sorry.
Thank you to you all for replying yesterday, it was one of the worst days I've had so far since DD. I didn't think the feelings of devastation could get any worse but as time has goes by, it has just intensified.
I have managed to keep this from my girls so far, I hope they never find out what has happened.
I just want my old life back.
I feel guilt that I have told some close friends about what has happened, but I needed some support. Originally I didn't want anyone else to know as I was embarrassed that my marriage has failed. Now a few friends know, he can't face them ever again, so if we do try and work things out it changes how people view him and myself, has anyone else been in this position?
I worked with this girl along side my WH as we have our own business, I cant stand what they have done to me as a person, it changes you forever.
I still love my WH but I can't get past the lies, how do ever trust again.
There is obviously some problems in our marriage for this to happen, he has told me I don't make him feel like I find him attractive or lust after him enough, all of which the AP filled that void.
Losing my breasts is a very emotional path to travel, and my body image is not good, I just feel he loved having another person who was complete, it breaks my heart to think of it.
Thank you for your post about not talking to this girl, I have already had words with her early on when I first found out, I had to work with her for a month before I managed to get rid of her. When I told her she will have to go, she said to me " AT LEAST I GOT TO FUCK YOUR HUSBAND"
Not the words you would think could come out of a nineteen year old, I was in total shock I was so close to slapping her.
Yep and what you said about our girls being a similar age I said those exact words to him to... What the hell were you thinking...!
You are not broken, you are whole. The only broken one here is your WH. I cannot begin to imagine everything you are going through with recovering from breast cancer and a double mastectomy and I know it messes with your body image. But I want you to hear that you are not defined by your breasts. You are SO much more than just that part of your body. You are strong, you are a survivor.
As to the 19 year-old, I commend your ability to NOT slap her. I'm impressed by your restraint.
I feel guilt that I have told some close friends about what has happened, but I needed some support.
^^^ HEY - just tell everyone you want. The only real danger is that you talk about it too much. I have never understood here the reluctance of many here to reach out to friends to talk about what happened. A BS has nothing to be ashamed of. I think it perhaps is some attempt to rescue the WS, to 'wn' them back, or to be able to pretend the A did not happen.
Maybe if society aired its dirty laundry more often then others would see the repercussions of As and that it doesn't pay to be selfish.
All our friends know...the WS should feel ashamed. They should be broken down and built back up just like us.
It also puts the community on alert and watched the two like a hawk.
If you want to play with fire...you better be willing to get burned if caught.
I'm all for public flogging today...(bad day)
But seriously, if you need support, tell people who care about YOU.
Don't do it for revenge (although, again that sounds good today)
Reaching out is important and the more people stand up and talk about this the less acceptable foolish 19yr olds, and all our na´ve and innocent youth, will find this behaviour.
I want my girls to grow up in a society where they are respected and respectful. Lying and cheating are NOT values nor should the perpetrators be lauded or protected.
My heart goes out to you and sending you hugs ((((((BPR)))))
As for letting others reactions drive whether you reconcile or not, that's tough. I had one friend who reacted typically. She was very angry for me and that felt good at first. But when I told her I had to try to make this work for myself and my family she shrugged and looked at me like I was an idiot. And I get it. Before this happened to me I always said it would be a deal breaker. Simple truth is you don't know how you will react to a situation until you live it. I sincerely hope she never has to live this. I don't really talk to her a lot right now, and I don't talk to her about this situation. I just blanket statement her when she asks with "We are working on it, taking it a day at a time. Did you see XYZ movie yet?"
You have to do what you feel is right for you and your family. You can't worry about what others think or say.
Dearest Broken: I'm glad he told you (and now we know too) that it was your fault that he had the affair! I was wondering what you had done to make him cheat on you.
OMG, girl! I'm so sorry he said any of this! Please breathe slowly and tell yourself the truth - not his lies. The truth is he is a cheater. Cheaters cheat if you tell them you love them daily. Cheaters will cheat if you have sex with them frequently. Cheaters will cheat if you are the most beautiful woman in town. Cheaters will cheat - NOT BECAUSE OF YOU - but because of themselves.
Cheaters are selfish. They are liars. They are cake eaters. They are entitled asshole fucks. They are users. They commit fraud against their spouses. They are abusers. There is a reason why this is so devastating - they took our lives and threw it on the pavement like a finished cigarette and stamped it into the ground, twisting it and pulverizing it into nothing but ash and dirt. They put themselves way above their spouses and choose the other woman (or man) over their spouse knowing that they must keep it a secret in order to have both - the spouse and the other woman(man). The other woman knows about you, almost always and yet, you know nothing. Knowing they must also keep it secret, otherwise their spouse might leave, but hey, they will take that chance won't and don't they?
"When I told her she will have to go, she said to me " AT LEAST I GOT TO FUCK YOUR HUSBAND" "
Oh this one is a fucking prize, isn't she? As I said, she obviously wasn't raised right. Maybe you should write her parents and ask them to help you stop this affair (even if you know it's over). Even horrible shit head parents would be embarrassed - at least I'd hope so!
And how sad for her that she thinks fucking a married man with children almost 30 years her senior is worth bragging about!
You must have money, really, because she is seriously fucked up. Only a sicko like her would say such a thing. And when I see or hear of women like this I can only think - does the man have money or something? I mean really. When I was 19, I was interested in guys - not men, for geepers sakes! When I was 21 a 25 year old guy was interested in me and I'm like, God, but he's so old!!! So really, what in heaven or hell is making this teenager want an old man - cuz baby, he is OLD. Everyone is old to a 19 year old!!!! I mean - is your town only full of old guys? Are there no 19 to 25 year old males around there? Is your Dad still around? Maybe she'd like to meet him?
Again, these bitches are just best left alone, but it's too late, you had to deal with her BECAUSE your fucktard husband fucked an EMPLOYEE!!! Gawd! I mean, really, doesn't he have any imagination? How very common of him, really. Business owners fucking employees - men have been doing that since the beginning of time. Do you have a maid? If so - watch out!
These cheaters are such assholes.
And with others knowing. Yes, I wish I had not told anyone!! Uggh. Yes, it is not our fault - but people can be such shitheads, can't they? It's no one's business, but we are so devastated that our heads are spinning and we must make it stop and maybe telling someone or everyone will make it stop, but like a top we keep spinning and then fall over after we made such a mess of spinning and telling everyone. Uggh.
And as far as your cancer. Gawd I'm so sorry. And to cheat on you after that or during... I know of a woman who's H went to strip bars when she was having her breast cancer. Such fuck heads.
Not the same, but similar in some ways = My asshat fucked prostitutes before during and after my pregnancy. I hate the man, really, really hate the man. My child (hence my name) adores him. And I am a stay at home cuz I want to be. But my therapist is like -(she said this on our first meeting) "What is wrong with you that you'd want to stay with a man like that?"
We really hit the jackpot in men didn't we? I always say - really, I couldn't have done better??? I certainly couldn't have done worse - except for molesters or murderers, ok, but really - I was scraping the bottom when I found my shit head.
But back to you. (sorry)
You are not your boobs.
You married a fuck head.
You hired a fuck head.
The fuck heads fucked.
This may be the tip of the ice berg, sweets, if it makes you feel any better or worse. It usually is in MHO... Keep that in mind when you wonder what to do. If you are feeling like you want to R - I suggest a full disclosure and a poly if you can find a competent therapist who knows of a competent poly guy/girl.
Most of us are in limbo. Limbo is fine. When you are ready you will make a full/final decision. And maybe that will take a long time. Don't worry about time limits. Work on your self esteem. Maybe just do the 180. Blow him off. Make new friends. How is your health, aside from the past cancer? Are you working out? Are you eating well?
Ya, so you aren't 19. If you were, you wouldn't have your amazing children. Like I told my fuckhead tonight = I look at him as my horrendous mistake so that I could end up with My Child. And for that I am so eternally grateful, I may just start going to church. Thank you God, Universe - Whatever - that allowed me the gift of My Child. I know you feel the same.
[This message edited by mychild at 1:52 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]