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Newest Member: fareast (61555)

User Topic: just wondering on a scale of 0-10
♀ 39802
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by ionlytalkedtoher at 2:00 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]

Posts: 309 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 36587
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was so sure that there was zero chance that my H would cheat. We also married in 1997. I'm still shocked that he cheated after we'd been together for 22 years.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 35862
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was so sure, I'd have bet my life on him.

H always used to say he was faithful as an old dog. I wonder what changed that.

Me: BS H: WS
4 kids
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 963 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 39802
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and also what did other people think objectively? Did your friends and family ever warn you that was an aspect of their personality that could result in cheating?

In my case--no one on any side in any way would bet that we has a cheater at that time. or ever become a cheater.

Posts: 309 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 35387
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought there was zero chance of him cheating. He is such a nice guy, he would never do anything to hurt me.

I know better now. Monogamy takes work. Nobody is immune. It's a sad reality, but it is reality.

Married 10 years, together for 12 years
2 children (9 years & 6 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 482 | Registered: Apr 2012
♀ 41166
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have said zero % all of the 16.75 years of our marriage before his ONS. The women he works with told me that they all talked about it (since there were many affairs going on and even more flirting) and my H was the least likely to cheat! H and I talked about how if he wanted another woman, she could join us in our bed together. We were open to talking about attractions and sexuality in a realistic way. But we didn't count on the perfect storm of stress, PTSD, ego, and a OW with NO boundaries whatsoever! In talking to fWH, he says NOW it is zero% as his ONS was like sticking his arm in a meat grinder....not something he wants to ever do again. I will never be comfortable with believing that zero % again.

Me: BW 43 (39 at DDay 1)
FWH 43 (39 at DDay 1) (RibsInHerChest)
Together 23 yrs, M 20, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Massive TT due to poly: 1/4/2015 full blown EA/3 week PA
Didn't use condom, I got chlamydia.

Posts: 882 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd have said zero for sure.
I'd have still said it if you'd asked me on September 12th even though her been in a PA for about 11 months at that point
Feel pretty stupid now

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
♀ 33202
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


He witnessed the destruction of his parents' M because of his father's infidelity when he was a teenager. He saw how it destroyed his mother. He was estranged from his father because of the A.

It turns out that during the last ten years prior to the A and despite his "empathetic" talk, he was going to strip clubs and became addicted to porn. I have some evidence that he was also seeing escorts but he denies it.

I would never have married the man and taken on raising his three children if I had thought he was capable of this level of destruction, duplicity and selfishness.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 38647
Member # 38647
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly didn't even think about it. I was completely committed to him. He had been cheated on in his first marriage and it floors me to think about the great lengths he has gone through to keep the truth from me when he knows how much it hurts.

Me 36
WH 40
Married 10 years, 2 great kids

Posts: 65 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
♀ 19197
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believed, as did everyone who knew him, including himself, zero percent likelihood; so, how did the MOW know (she knew him professionally for 10 years prior to the A)?

Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married Over 30 years w/ grown kids
Dday 1: 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2008
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was more worried abut myself than my W. By the time she cheated, however, I thought it was - and, in retrospect, always had been - zero for both of us.

I should have chosen 'clueless' for my SI ID....

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16819 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the day I was given proof of the A- by a third party- I had just spent twenty minutes explaining WHY there was NO chance in hell he would cheat. I even accused the girl if soreading gossip about innocent people who are just trying to work for their family- my H's A was under the guise of some remodeling work he would do after he got off of his regular job.

And as far as others? NO ONE would have ever thought of him cheating. Everyone that found out was floored.
It was so entirely out of character.

You never know. You can't.

On a side note- a woman at work found out and her response to me? "Well, when I chose my husband I made SURE he was the type who could NEVER cheat."

I wanted to punch her in her blissfully ignorant face.
I was her once. Just 5 months ago.

What i wanted to say was "yah- and when i wanted a husband, i went looking for broken and wounded souls that could turn their lifetime of insecurity into my own living nightmare." Whatever.
People have no idea.

[This message edited by Wondertwin at 12:11 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

Just call me Wonder

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

The axe "forgets"- the tree remembers.

Divorced and super good with tha
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2- June something or other 2017

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 39836
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I married him because I felt safe, loved, and protected. If I had any inkling that he would be unfaithful. I never would have married him. I'm going to ask him this question today.

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 893 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 17686
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say it was around a 4.

I am pretty clueless in general regarding life, etc, but coming from a home with infidelity, I was aware of this and we discussed it prior to M and during M.

I never believed anyone was "immune" from an A or being attracted to another, etc, but the area I failed in was that I believed talking about it meant something, was pro active, etc. and I took comfort and felt "safe" to a degree because this was an area I felt "aware" in. UMMMMMM No!!


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3635 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
♀ 29265
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zero. As for everyone else, even after he had cheated and i was suspicious everyone kept telling me he would never do that.

I did have a dream long before we got married that he cheated though, should have taken more notice although i actually killed the ow in the dream

Together 16 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
♀ 36813
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O! I thought he was the most honest man alive!

Posts: 320 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 41234
Member # 41234
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ZERO for me too. Our whole marriage he has always been so affectionate and open about his feelings towards me...he's so lucky, so in love, so thankful for what we have. There were so many times we'd joke about it because it was so far off the radar of things that could happen to us. I don't think my husband even thought he was capable of this...BUT, I've learned that anyone is capable of anything. Myself included. I think it's a good thing to realize that. My husband thought he could have an innocent friendship with a female because he thought that he could never have an affair...that made him vulnerable. Now we both will actively avoid situations like that and actively work hard on our marriage.

ME: 31, WH: 31, Married: 13 years, 4 amazing kids
DD: Oct 2, 2013- 2 month EA/PA while deployed.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

Posts: 33 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 37683
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was the love of my life and he said I was his. I thought there was ZERO chance of it happening to us. I loved him so much and felt that he loved me in that same way. My family and friends would have also said ZERO as well. Everyone was as shocked as I was.

If you knew the two of us, you would have bet on me to have the A. I am outgoing and talk easily to most people. And I would have bet on myself also. My H is quiet, keeps to himself and plays everything pretty close to the vest. I was very wrong!

I was clueless and feel pretty stupid about that as well!

Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
♂ 38230
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel so naive to say this, but yeah..ZERO. Absolutely zero. WW was the better of us. The caring one. The selfless one. Our marriage had its UPS and downs but I never imagined her capable of inflicting such horror and pain onto me.

Now knowing what I've learned over the last 14 months...the pre-existing condition was there. The warning signs screaming. But I was too trusting to see.

Never again.

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 41365
Member # 41365
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going in it was zero chance. I thought if anyone would be tempted, it would be me. Hah.

Things will work out the way they are supposed to, even if it's not the way we think we want at that time. Sometimes what the universe has in store for us is better than we realized.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Nov 2013
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