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Who is right?

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MyNameIsDoug posted 11/17/2013 09:35 AM

My wife wants me to call a crisis hotline and tell them I threatened to beat up a drug dealer for my cousin who hardly talks to me. My wife thinks I care more about my cousin that her. I think this phone call is absurd. Who is right?

Aubrie posted 11/17/2013 09:53 AM

1. Did you threaten to beat up a drug dealer?

2. Are you still in contact with your cousin? Cause this just keeps coming up and I'm thinking 100% NC is the only answer. No ifs, ands, buts. Go NC. Get the cousin out of your life. Do what you need to do. New job, whatever.

Not doing what it takes to help your wife *is* caring more for your cousin than your wife.

Alyssamd24 posted 11/17/2013 10:19 AM

I dont know the background to your story but from Aubries reply it seems this cousin is somewhat relevant to your A? Is this right?

I think a phone call would not be necessary but am wondering if I am missing something to the story?

MyNameIsDoug posted 11/17/2013 11:04 AM

I did threaten the drug dealer.
I have very little or no contact with my cousin.
I have refused to talk about this to anybody which is why it keeps coming up. I should have made the call. I called this morning and it did help. But my wife still thinks I care more for my cousin than her. since I have repeatedly refused to make a simple phone call to show my wife that I care more about her than my cousin what can I do know? Do I care more about my cousin than my wife. After all, I did put myself in bodily harm and risk jail which would have meant abandoning my wife and son all for my cousin but I repeatedly refused to do something as simple as call a counselor to help my wife.

Aubrie posted 11/17/2013 14:04 PM

"Very little or no contact" is not good enough Doug. You have leapt over boundaries with your cousin. Zero contact. None. Take it from someone with an enmeshed family, there ARE still ways to go 100% NC.

Showing your wife she is more important to you means more than just calling a friggin' hotline. Its making her feel safe. Its doing what she asked the first time. Not after the 100th time, and after she has threatened divorce. Not after she breaks out the megaphone and screams yet again, what she wants from you.

Be proactive. Not reactive.

pointofnoreturn posted 11/17/2013 14:54 PM

I don't think you should look at it in a perspective of "who is right", but rather "who is hurt" in this situation.

Sure, you could be just talking out of your ass when it comes to threatening to beat up that drug dealer. But put it in their perspective a bit. You got mad at this drug dealer, so mad that hypothetically, you were willing to risk yourself and your family to go beat up this guy for your cousin.

Now, you said you don't talk to your cousin much at all. So, you've projected that you're willing to go to drastic measures for the sake of someone you know less than your BS.

So, who is hurt if you followed through with this plan? Well, the drug dealer for one. But also your BS. Quite frankly, no matter how justified it is to beat that guy up, he isn't worth risking your family over. What would happen if your cousin found themselves in a similar situation again?

But, if you don't do it, then no one is hurt. You're not risking everything for some ill-conceived vengeance. If your cousin is in that much trouble, the authorities should be involved and nothing more. Don't waste your time.

I guess how I'm interpreting it, from what little there is, you threatening to beat them up was pure bluff. But, even so, the fact that you'd say something like that for the sake of your cousin and not your BS speaks words to them. Have there been any great sacrifices you have made for your BS like that?

It's odd, but I think after the A, BSes will compare themselves to everyone you know, even relatives. "If he's willing to do that for him, what's wrong with me to the point where he wouldn't do the same?"

UnexpectedSong posted 11/17/2013 16:32 PM

When you take vows to be married, you promised to make your wife to be the most important family you have, even more important than your parents. Your wife is now your family, your parents and relatives are your family of origin.

Your wife should come first, in this scenario. And in all other scenarios.

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