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Old Affair Question

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HollyLou posted 11/17/2013 12:23 PM

My WH started an affair back in 2009. My best guess is that it went on for a year or so and then he called it quits (so he has said) around 2011. While I didn't know any of this, he did tell me that we needed MC which he arranged and only 1/2 heartedly participated in. I did know our marriage wasn't great, but had a hard time figuring out what was off.

He started the PA up again with the same OW in 8/2012 and ended it July 2013- because he decided that he didn't want that kind of life, and he wanted try and focus on our marriage again.

Our marriage had been improving since July on, mainly since I saw that he was re-engaging in the family again. Participating in family events (even silly things like chorus concerts, which he always passed). He helped around the house again. He laughed and joked with us. Things were looking up!

Then D-Day when I found out about the A. I only discovered the recent one, he confessed to the earlier version.

Now- I'm so very hurt, betrayed, etc, etc. I'm curious to others who found out about a PA AFTER it was over. I think if it was going on, I may be closer to D than R, but because he ended it and came 'back' to the marriage on his own... agh, I'm not sure what it means.

Anyone out there have any thoughts or experience on OLD affairs?

hardtimesinlife posted 11/17/2013 13:20 PM

The old affair DDay is the same as a current affair DDay, in your world. It doesn't matter if it was 20 years ago. You received information about a betrayal of your trust and your Marriage vows. I think him confessing will make it easier than if you had to dig the truth yourself but I'm sure that doesn't make it feel any better.

Hugs. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[This message edited by hardtimesinlife at 1:21 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

iwillNOT posted 11/17/2013 20:46 PM

Well, the first affair was an old affair, many years old when he confessed. The second one he was caught while it was still going on. In terms of pain, this one is much much worse, though there are other differences. The second affair was after we had kids, longer, more emotional, and, well, the second one.

But truly, if he had confessed after the fact, after he had ended things and come back to the marriage, I feel that would have been helpful in reconciling.

I wish you peace and strength.

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 8:47 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

Crushed1 posted 11/17/2013 21:20 PM

HollyLou, my H confessed to me two years after he had ended his A, guilt had been eating him alive and, I'm sure a lot of fear also...

My thoughts are that they made a choice to end the A because they wanted to and they made a choice to be with their wife because that is where they want to be.

My H told me "Well, I CHOSE YOU" (which I'm sure he thought would make me feel better) and I said "well you chose me first and married me"... This still bothers me even many years out.

littlemrsV0813 posted 11/17/2013 22:23 PM

[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:56 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Blameitontherain posted 11/17/2013 23:47 PM

I found out 4 years after the fact. In some ways, it was a little easier. I was able to control my knee jerk reaction to run and divorce as soon as possible because it wasn't on going. That I think initially saved us.

On the other hand, like littlemrs points out, everything in between is tainted and has a dark cloud over it. I feel extremely pissed off about the lies I was told when I confronted 4 yrs ago that I bought, the decision to buy a home, have a second child, the way he distanced himself from the family for that four years, everything! Every I love you, our first family vacation, is tainted. Each affair has unique things in them but they all have the common core of betrayal. Betrayal by a loved one is devastating no matter when the truth comes out.

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 11:48 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

sohowamI posted 11/18/2013 13:10 PM

Yup. I found out about the other nine (yes NINE) affairs when I found out about the two concurrent ones last May 2012. He began the first long term affair when we had been married for five years and had a two year old and a six month old baby. That lasted for TEN years. During that I time he had another two affairs.

He had a 'break' for six years and then met someone he 'fell in love with' and that affair lasted for twelve years until I discovered it last year. During that time he also had another five affairs. One lasting for a year and the others for shorter periods of time.

I knew that he had a ONS when I was pregnant and he told me that he would never do it again. He lied. I believed him.

So, yes, I found out about all the old affairs. Does it make a difference in the long run? Initially yes. I was doubly, triply, quadruply heartbroken. We had even gone to MC while he was in the ten year affair...

It's all devastating. Everything. Every lie, cheat, betrayal.

I'm so sorry that you have found this out too. There is solace in this website. It has certainly helped me knowing that my situation is not unique.

HollyLou posted 11/19/2013 15:10 PM

I'm currently reconstructing the timeline- matching up hotels charges from a secret cc with out family calendars. I'm obsessed with it. Thanks to these posts, I can see why- I'm trying vainly to figure out how much of the past 4 years was a lie.

But I guess the answer is all of it. Because if he wasn't actually with her, then he was actively hiding it.

OakStreet posted 11/19/2013 16:02 PM


I found out about my WH's affair the day after it went sexual (bj) - because the OW sent a bitter text to my WH. He had broken it off.

That made it only slightly better. I was lied to for 18 months about an EA that I suspected. It was the lying and not communicating with me (after DDay) that made me most angry.

He gave up every detail how this evolved and as I reconstructed the timeline, I was even more devastated. I had questioned him about his activities almost every time he met with her - and he turned it around with anger toward me - "there's nothing going on". The OW was an employee.

My WH is at his first meeting with his IC as I write this. I am hoping for the best!

traditoperanni posted 11/20/2013 00:47 AM

I so relate with all of you. My fwh had been cheating on me for most of our marriage ( 42yrs) . He never confessed anything. I found out about his recent As in 2009 and then was lied to for another 2 yrs . There was one A he had 25 years ago which I found out about 4 yrs ago. It only lasted
4 months. It was with someone I knew from high school and who 12 years ago asked him for a job and he hired her!
She has been to my house for holidays etc.
I think what upset me the most is my fwh not understanding why I am so hurt and angry about this A 25 yrs ago. As he said "it happened 25 yrs ago! And it was over before it began" Yeah. it may be old to him but to me it feels like it just happened because -IT DID JUST HAPPEN ! I'm just finding out about it. They had a secret and she has been in our lives
all this time. It is a huge betrayal to me.
Littlemrs, you are so right all these years and the lie was still
there. They are over it but me it's like a fresh wound.

WantingToForget posted 12/5/2013 08:21 AM

I can relate.... I found out about my husband's affair with a co-worker 2 1/2 months ago that happened between 2010-2011. He said ended it after I got pregnant but stayed friends with her only. They still chatted sometimes through texting but he said it was only friends because they relized years ago it was a big mistake and they enjoyed being friends. Sometimes I wonder if he's telling the truth.... because the only reason I found out was I saw a text message from here about them having lunch together at work (he had her name disguised so I wouldn't know it was her.) When I asked him he admitted it was the girl from work (who I knew about but thought she was only a work friend). The fact that he lied made me suspicious and I started searching deleted text messages, which is where I found out about the kissing, the I loves you's, the pictures, etc. When I confronted him he told me everything and said it was over long ago. (he said they never had sex, only kissed and talked about having sex. He said it was all a game!) I don't know if finding out after the fact is easier or not... because I look back on my life during that time now and question everything!! Was my life all a lie? He says it wasn't and that he always loved me. It's hard asking him questions too because he says "it was so long ago he can't remember, and that it didn't mean anything so that's why he can't remember." He says it was the biggest mistake of his life and has cut all contact with her. He says they were friends but that having her in his life is not worth losing me or hurting me anymore. I think regardless of if you Find out at the time or after the fact, the pain of being betrayed is still the same.

Secrets Kept posted 12/5/2013 10:20 AM

The main thing that stood out to me in your post that would bother me the most & raise MANY questions & issues was that it was the same OW!!

Is she married or attached to anyone? If so, you need to tell her BS. That may help insure it doesn't pick back up again later down the road.

The fact of it being the same OW but years apart would concern me greatly.

HollyLou posted 12/5/2013 11:31 AM

The OW is a divorced single mom who rented the house across the street for 2 years. I had her daughter in my Girl Scout troop. They moved after 2 years to a different town (but only 20 min away.)

DH has appeared to have thoroughly followed the NC, including going to a mutual friend of the two of them and telling him that he wasn't to pass on anything from OW to WH. I have no way of knowing if that is true but I'm going with it for now.

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