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Two steps forward...

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Sammy2013 posted 11/17/2013 13:07 PM

One step back. Or is it the other way around? I don't even know. After a great week for revelations for him, it seems to be slipping away. He knows he needs to change. Says he wants to change. But now seems unremorseful about the affair. Says "If I'm going to change, I have to look to the future, you just want to live in the past."

Ugh. Yes, I keep looking at the past. He admitted he was never fully committed the past 13 years. That this was the first time it got physical, but he has been inappropriate many times in the past that I don't know about (as well as a couple that I do know about). So yes, I am living in the past. My entire world was shattered. I can't just say "Oh, it's in the past! Look to the future!" I don't trust my present let alone any future!!

It hasn't even been a month since he admitted to the sexual affair. Now I'm supposed to "Look to the future" and make new memories to overcome the past crappy memories. I feel unloved, unattractive, etc. but I'm supposed to just push it all aside because bringing it up is living in the past.

I'm just over it. At a really bad place right now. Just when I feel every time I feel optimistic, I get kicked in the face. It's all about him, healing him, changing him, checking him. Just ugh.

unfound posted 11/17/2013 14:30 PM

It's hard to look to the future when you're still recovering from the past. The past is gone, but it still affects your present, and possibly your future. How it affects your future will depend on if he's willing to go back, examine, and learn from it. You can't learn from it unless you acknowledge it.

Simba: I know what I have to do. But going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long.

[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]

Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for?

Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past.

Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.

Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.

Yes, I'm quoting lion king

eachdayisvictory posted 11/17/2013 15:17 PM

He needs to be willing to grow in his understanding of what his side of the work on your M should and will have to look like for a real reconciliation. My H was like this in the beginning, and it still haunts me that he was so mean and unrecognizable - but so was I.

I accepted this crap from him when I know that's not who I am. You need to read from the healing library, and he needs to read too. We started by reading one article or chapter or section of something a night - and I don't think we would have known what to do or how to handle it without the reading. AND MC AND IC. It won't work on your own, it's too much for anybody on their own.

Hugs and best wishes.

Sammy2013 posted 11/17/2013 15:27 PM

We have both been reading and are in both mc and ic. But he took one thing that the counselor said and is running with it. Counselor says we need to make happy memories together
To start to overshadow the bad one. He ALSO said this will take time and informed WH that I will need time because I don't trust anything right now. But all WH heard was "you can't live in the past".

He just says "why can't you focus on the good two weeks we've had?" I explain to him that we had a good two weeks a month ago. But he still went and had sex with her that last time. So no, I don't trust 2 good weeks. So I got the famous "the last time was an accident." I just called a time out and left the room.

Sadwife222 posted 11/17/2013 15:58 PM

"An accident"??!! You mean like unexpectedly spilling a glass of milk?
During all of his cheating and lying, it was all about HIM.

YOU need time to process your new reality. You can't throw "new, good memories" on top of crap. I had to tell our MC this. I refuse to move forward if my WH won't go into the past to tell me all about it, hear my feelings and thoughts about it, and think about WHY he did what he did (selfish, childish prick) and how to keep from doing it again. It was NOT an accident unless he was leaving the bathroom, forgot to zip up his pants, happened to have an erection, and tripped and fell on top of some woman who just happened to lying down with no panties on and her legs spread wide open. Oh yea...and his dick, unfortunately, just slipped into her open vagina.

Happens all the time.

[This message edited by Sadwife222 at 3:59 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

Sammy2013 posted 11/17/2013 16:10 PM

Believe me sadwife, that was my reaction. I looked at him and said "Accident? Have you not heard the joke 'I slipped and my dick fell in her'?" I just said "Seriously need a time out, just go away."

He has since come in and apologized, understands he didn't give me what I need, etc. It's times like this where I feel like nothing is going to change. Not feeling very optimistic right now.

LA44 posted 11/17/2013 16:42 PM

I don't know what he is reading ((Sammy)) but he doesn't seem to be absorbing it!

An accident? I am glad he apologized for that. You are very strong to take a time out as opposed to what I would have done!

I honestly did not experience this so I feel funny giving some feedback here. Yes. I do agree that working on making new and good memories are important but the hurt is so fresh at your stage that just getting through an hour w/o thinking about it is near impossible.

I love what unfound sent you. Print it off and hang it where he can see it everyday.

How to Help Your Spouse a short book I recommend for those spouses that need a little more hand-holding in how to proceed.

iwillNOT posted 11/17/2013 18:58 PM

An accident? Holy crap, I just choked on my drink. He is clearly not taking responsibility here. And demanding you let that slide, move on past the stage where his remorse/ guilt/ inner work/abject apologies/owning fully his shit would be necessary, expects you to just sweep it under the rug, and just "move on.". He definitely does not get it yet.

Not sure how much MC you have had, but I can't imagine any MC worth the title condoning this. Sammy2013, stay strong for yourself. It is early days for you yet(for me too, 3 mos 1 week); IMHO he may yet pull his head out of his rectum. But if you let him bully you into giving in, then why would he? He can stay married but not do any uncomfortable work or take responsibility for his actions.

When my WH was expressing this kind of attitude, our MC told him-

1. No one wants this pain to stop more than your wife. No one.
2. You chose to do this thing. You can help her recover, or
you can hinder it. Rugsweeping will hinder recovery.
3. This affair will require a lifelong stance of apology on your part. Every time it comes up. Forever.
4. Her recovery will take as long as it takes. And, the couples where the WS accepts that and does what is asked of them/ what their BS needs, recover FASTER than the "move on and don't dwell on the past" ones.

You can't control what he does or thinks. What you can do is clearly express what you think and need/ expect. Then detach a bit and don't argue about it, go do something comforting or distracting for yourself. Also see what MC has to say.

I do think that this kind of thinking can change with time, and with clear boundaries from you about what you will accept. I do not think, however, that you should let him call the shots about what you/ your marriage need to move forward.


Hang in there. Be strong, stand up for yourself, you are worth it.

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