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Newest Member: 4ever2gether (45763)

User Topic: Gone farther underground
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I mentioned a week or so ago my H accused me of snooping, and since then he deleted the "chats" with the single, male, x coworker where they discussed the "hot" 20somethings at my H's new job.

This was all done on his gmail account. It's clear he has stopped using the gmail and is using his new work email for everything, and he's keeping his phone under much tighter wraps.

I am going to look into Dr Fone and see if that's doable. I saw it on another post. What do I do to get his guard down?

He went and had lunch with that guy on tuesday. he made no mention of it to me in any way. I think he's had lunch with the ex coworker female who was cheating on her H at worked and left her H and married this guy. She's the one that was signing emails "love,xxx".

what would you do? what can I do? confronting will just bring complete denial. he's much nicer when I am not obsessing about actual known bullshit he's said or done if that makes sense. I know he's continuing talks with these people. I just haven't been able to see any of it for a couple of weeks. Only porn on his laptop, too. He's not accessing mail there.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 508 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What will change if you do have proof of an A?

Suppose he really hasn't cheated and won't cheat in the future?

It sounds like you're very unhappy in this M, whether he's faithful or not. Gently, what I think you need to do is to identify your deal breakers - and then act in accord with them.

You don't need an A to justify D.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well, if he had come completely clean the first time I would be seven years divorced. I went to MC. He talked a good game, but he's a salesman as the therapist put it.

I can't confront without disclosing my sources. I can't divorce without proof of my accusations. He's disrescting me in his actions, and he is the ultimate gaslighter, so if I don't have concrete proof he will make me out to be the bad person, and he will ruin me to anyone he comes across. I can't have that. We are in the same industry. I need to support myself.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 508 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't divorce without proof of my accusations

Gently, yes you can.

He's disrescting me in his actions, and he is the ultimate gaslighter

And that's why you can.

if I don't have concrete proof he will make me out to be the bad person, and he will ruin me to anyone he comes across. I can't have that. We are in the same industry. I need to support myself.

You're talking like a helpless victim without power. You are not. If he slanders you then you have legal recourse.

You have options. You are not powerless. He does not hold all the cards. You are spinning your wheels trying to find proof & documentation. Hon, this is a waste of effort. Is your marriage not already over? Can you possibly salvage this? What you're doing is called the bargaining stage of grief. I'm so sorry.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10040 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hopefulmother
♀ 38790
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know any of your recent story...sounds like your H wants more sexual variation just from this one post. Is he looking to have a threesome with this couple?

Perhaps instead of accusing him...just ask him why? What does he get from this? Make suggestions as to why and see where that gets you.

Either way...contact with a past EA AP is BAD news.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Mousse242
♀ 6330
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't divorce without proof of my accusations.

Um, yes you can. He's not being transparent. He's not remorseful. He's still keeping secrets.

That's all you need.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Truly
♀ 40715
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Irretrievable Breakdown of the Marriage"

That's how you divorce if it's a no fault state...or if you no longer like your husband. Fair enough.

See a lawyer for your 'No Fault' Divorce based on the "Irretrievable Breakdown of the Marriage"

No proof required.

And start breathing again...

Strength and hugs ((((((Sleepy)))))


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't divorce without proof of my accusations.
Of course you can.

You don't need his permission to divorce him, you know.

And you don't have to prove a darn thing.

You just have to decide what you will and will not tolerate.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9044 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to.have evidence to divorce, you can D for any reason. I too felt like I.had to prove ws was still seeing ow. I went so far as to hope he kept seeing her so when I do.leave, I would have a reason but....whether.ow is in the picture or not, Idont want him for a husband anymore. He's not treating me like a loving thoughtful husband should and that is reason enough for me.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I can't prove it to him with hard evidence then he will make me into the crazy person. He's done it before, and I fell for it, and I went into an existence of thinking I'm the paranoid one, he's right, and look where it got me, but still even when I try to make him see what he's doing he gets mad and turns it on me.

Whenever I say I'm a heartbeat away from going through with leaving the marriage he sarcastically says "oh, you're always a step away.".

I was ready to give him an ultimatum to either come clean and honest and want to be in this marriage or cut me loose now. I'm sick of being his yo yo.

Finances play a huge part of me not throwing in the towel. HUGE.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 508 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What will change if you do have proof of an A?

Suppose he really hasn't cheated and won't cheat in the future?

It sounds like you're very unhappy in this M, whether he's faithful or not. Gently, what I think you need to do is to identify your deal breakers - and then act in accord with them.

He has cheated in the past. He does have inappropriate conversations. He is disrespectful of me with others. He is ogling young women. He is addicted to porn. He would never admit to these things.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 508 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand why you need to prove anything to him. Have you consulted with an attorney?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10040 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Sleepy312
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I have solid proof he won't fight me over the kids and other things. If he can pull his act on a judge(that he's the perfect, hard working father with family support) then he could potentially get 50/50 or more which he has said he would fight me to the bitter end over the kids and not allow me to move anywhere.

If I have proof that he's the cliche he so looks down on then I will have an upper hand.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 508 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But that's your lawyer's job. Do you see how you're trying to do the lawyer's job?

Judges don't care about infidelity. The family court system does not care about infidelity. Girlfriend, I had PICTURES to "prove" my case, but they were almost useless (used only during the parenting evaluation). I had bank records, letters, a diary, a date book, printouts from dating websites.

None of that stuff matters in family court.

Judges do not care.

I don't want you to keep spinning your wheels and adding to your daily misery trying to get proof. Have you talked to an attorney yet?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10040 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sleepy312
Some states you have to have fault. Also, are you in a covenant marriage?
I am in a covenant marriage in the state of AZ. If I had not provided proof of A, the court would not have allowed me to D or even file LS without at least one of eight reasons.
He committed two, A and Abandonment so I was able to file for LS. I intend on filing for D once I can afford the health and dental....going back to school full time and not working...may be a while.
Nature_Girl is right, in most states the courts won't care about adultery, etc., so please go see a lawyer as soon as possible. A lawyer will be able to put to rest any doubts, and also advise you of your legal rights and the D process.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2512 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Kierst13
♀ 39197
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caution: 2x4 coming

Your WH brought the reality of infidelity into your marriage. He then brought the reality of no remorse to ice that shit sandwich.

YOU are not stuck with an asshole. Or, if you are stuck with an asshole it is because you are choosing which type of glue will be strong enough to stick you to him.

YOU have options, they are not great options. The sucky options are the reality your WS has given you. YOU have the power to choose the best option for you and your kids. I cannot believe the best option for you and your kids is an asshole.

You have the option and power to change and improve your reality, but you have to be willing to grab the lifeline and trust you are strong enough to hold on until you are on solid ground. Get some bitch boots; they have the best traction.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Pippy
♀ 16482
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get that you are worried about finances. I just Google "is nj a no fault divorce state" and the first hit has excellent answers.

Just remember we only get one life and it gets shorter every day. My biggest regret is that my EX didn't do this when we were a lot younger. No fun being a D senior.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
k9lover1
♀ 8531
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Kierst13. Granted, your options do suck, but they are still options.

I understand that you want to prove to the judge and the world that he is the bad guy, but that's not necessary. You know the truth --- he knows the truth. You certainly don't have to convince him of what he knows he is doing.

What if he was just a regular ordinary asshole? Would you divorce him then? Since when is infidelity the only reason to cut loose a jerk.

It's not fair, I get that. But trust me, your peace of mind is worth so much more than having people lined up behind you offering sympathy for the fact that you are married to an asshole.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8115 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's f**king with your head and your giving him more power than he has. I have a box, 5yrs in the making.of phone records with big red circles around texts between he and ow, notes of times he lied and wasn't where he said he was. Guess what, that box of stuff is only important to me. I felt like it was my justification in wanting a divorce, my proof of why I could leave without being the bad guy. The fact is, I can leave for whatever reason I want, because he slurps his cereal or because he fucks ow. You don't have to prove yourself. It sounds like your building a defense for you, and you have nothing to prove to anyone. Your choice, not the worlds. My ws does similar things, its manipulation. Don't let him mess with your head.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:47 PM, November 18th (Monday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I can't prove it to him with hard evidence then he will make me into the crazy person
So what? Let him. Steel yourself, remind yourself of what you know is true, and do what you need to care for yourself.

My husband pushed every button he'd installed. Frankly, I WAS crazy by that point. But not too crazy to know that I would be far healthier without the monster I was married to.

There will come a time when you won't care who is blamed, or how---you will just want to be RID of this mindfuck.

Out of curiosity, just WHO do you think is going to be convinced you're crazy? Friends? Family? The judge in divorce court?

None of them will.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9044 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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