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Is his anger the sign he's seeing her again?

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starmoonchild posted 11/17/2013 15:04 PM

If I tell him I don't like that he's been close to where she lives/works during his workday without telling me and he gets mad, is this a sign he's seeing her again? I told him this when we were out driving somewhere and he put his foot on the gas, swerved around corners, acted completely angry. Is this the sign of guilt or just anger that I am once again telling him to not do that? He's supposed to tell me when he's going to be near her. He always tends to be in that area late in the day on a Friday or around lunch time, which again makes me suspicious. He says it's just coincidence. I have talked to him about this countless times.

eachdayisvictory posted 11/17/2013 15:13 PM

I wouldn't say for sure, but don't let his anger stop you from asking questions. For me, I saw a lot of that in the first months after dday, and it did turn out that he still had text and phone contact with her regularly. When that all finally came out, the gloves were off, nice and gentle me took a vacation, and I was pissed. It took the second discovery of lies to clear my fog of fear and begging and one-sided work on the relationship.

Trust your instincts.

Card posted 11/17/2013 17:44 PM

It should case you concern when he gets angry about your questions.... Sounds like he's still behaving very foggy in his thinking.

The goal in recovery is to be very honest with each other. You need to be able to be honest with him when you start seeing red flags and he needs to give honest answers in return, otherwise real recovery won't happen.
With many waywards, anger is used as a deflection tool to shut the other person down and at the same time level a degree of punishment toward them so they will stop asking questions....

iwillNOT posted 11/17/2013 19:33 PM


I am sorry you are going through this. IMHO, he is acting suspicious. He sounds like he is gaslighting you. He is clearly in her area, multiple times, during time periods/ on days they could be meeting. You have told him " countless times" that you need to know from him, when he is near her. Yet he persists in being near her without telling you, and furthermore, gets mad about it and wants to write it off to coincidence?

Doesn't sound right to me. From a remorseful person with nothing to hide, I would expect him to tell you, as you have asked. And to apologize for causing you worry, and make darn sure he drives out of his way to make sure he doesn't worry you again.

starmoonchild posted 11/18/2013 13:47 PM

Thanks for the advice, it seems like it's just anger at my getting upset that he was near her again without telling me, and yet it's too much anger for just that, I think? We had a long talk again last night and I told him he has to be transparent, I made him remember what I am going through and how it's because of him. He says he will comply, so we'll see. She leaves for an extended trip (found out via her facebook) this Friday, and if he makes no attempt to see her, well then maybe it might just be done. I will expect him to see her somehow otherwise, so being very watchful this week.

Sadwife222 posted 11/18/2013 13:54 PM

Do you have a GPS tracker on him?

heartache101 posted 11/18/2013 14:08 PM

what a manupulative little stinker he is!!

He knows if you ask he acts out so therefore you will stop asking. He needs to grow the f up!

If it was me I wouldn't give a flip where he is and not be home when he thinks you should be home. I am sorry but honey he is just being mean. He should be carrying about you and bending over backwards to show you he loves you. Please don't take his abuse. Yes he is abusing you..

Really look at this marriage is it one that you will be proud of? Is he acting like a loving caring remorseful husband?
I hope you find the strength to move forward in a positive life sounds like it will be without him if it is to be positive.

starmoonchild posted 11/18/2013 15:32 PM

The problem is most of the time he is so remorseful, treats me like a queen....but if I push the point that he was near her, and say I don't like it, he gets irritated like this. I don't think he should be if he's innocent...why would he be? What is wrong with just saying "Oh, I am so sorry that I didn't tell you I was going to be out that way, I was doing so and so..." I also told him he has to call me whenever he's going out that way to tell me why, and call me when he's there, and not go out that way late in the day or on Fridays anymore. Will he comply? We'll see. I do have a GPS on him, it's a computer device that shows me where he is, who's calling him, and shows me all his texts. But that didn't stop him last year when he had his secret e-mail at work before the last DDay. I also realized he could have a secret facebook account which only she knows, to send messages back and forth by phone. If people want to talk, there is always a way.

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