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Too Independent ????

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worried_lady posted 11/17/2013 17:13 PM

I have been single so long. I have never been good at the dating game. I posted last week about "Rodeo Dude" I have always been attracted to and the rodeo deal. Anyway, ok different situation. The night I went out I saw a guy I had dated just a few times 2 years ago and he was a poofer. Anyway he noticed me all night and called the next day and asked ne out for last night. Part of me agreed because I wondered why he poofed before and part of it was I really liked this guy and was so confused when he poofed. It all had to do with him and nothing with me, as most poofers go but you never really know.

Back to the subject. We went out last night and he was a perfect gentleman. Dinner and dancing. I had a wonderful time. He paid for everything. The problem....I feel so bad about him paying. I am very uncomfortable with it and it has bothered me all day today. Since I divorced I have always taken care of myself and known I was the only one I could really count on. I don't want somebody paying for something for me, it was just so awkward for me. So how do I deal with this. I really want to throw a hundred at him and be even. How do I go about feeling different about this. Can I feel different about this?? I know plenty of women would not have this issue but I just have been single so long. Oh GOD I hate dating. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life but really I am very happy the way I am but try to step out of my comfort zone to maybe attempt a social life just a little, causes panic about situations like this. My girlfriends are just saying "Don't worry about it, he called you for the date" but still it is all I can think about today is I did not carry my weight. I am so old fashion as far as my approach to dating and thinking a man should do the gentlemen's acts such as open the door, help you in the car and so forth. I can tell I am so old fashion that the guy knew for sure he was not staying the night or anything like that and again he was a perfect gentleman. UGHHHH

As far as rodeo dude - who knows. I have not talked to him this week but I do know he was out of town because he had told me last week-end of his plans for this week.

I just feel like I need to lock my front door and never open it again.

MISS Socially Awkward

ETA - then misspell independent

[This message edited by worried_lady at 5:17 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

gardenparty posted 11/17/2013 17:20 PM

I had this issue when I started dating again. I make a very good living and can afford to pay my own way but I work and now live in an area where the men actually get offended if I offer to pay. My current SO and I have come to an understanding of sorts for this situation. When we are out for dinner, concert, hockey game, whatever, he pays. He says that it would be embarrassing to him for me to pay. I compensate by buying the bulk of our groceries. It works out about even most months. Maybe the next time you can invite your friend out and specify up front that it is your treat?

worried_lady posted 11/17/2013 17:26 PM

Exactly gardenparty - he would have been offended if I had insisted. He was trying to be the gentleman. Damn catch 22. I will do that if he calls again. I will offer it to be my treat and make it clear up front. I have always said I don't need date to feed me. I am only there for the company. I can feed myself. GEEZZZ this really is bothering me. It was so awkward for me last night.

[This message edited by worried_lady at 5:27 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

phmh posted 11/17/2013 17:38 PM

When I first started dating, I felt the same way. I usually make more than the guy, and it didn't seem right that he should pay for everything.

But after talking to more guys about it, many really want to pay and feel like the lady doesn't like them and/or emasculated if she won't let him pay.

I always offer to pay my half, especially on a first date, but get more insistent when I know there won't be a second date (some guys still insist on paying.)

Interestingly enough, I'm now thinking about breaking things off with a guy I've been seeing because he always insists on going dutch -- a year ago that would have been exactly what I wanted, but my thinking has changed since then.

cmego posted 11/17/2013 17:49 PM

I just thank the guy, then if I like him/mutual interest, I offer to pay for the second date. Most guys will take me up on the offer and I don't feel so guilty about the guys always paying for the first date. Also, I kinda watch what I eat/drink on the first date so he isn't paying for much.

ChoosingHope posted 11/17/2013 18:17 PM

This is interesting. My friends always let the men pay, pretty much all the time. And some of my friends make a lot of money!

exhausted lady posted 11/17/2013 18:35 PM

I dated for quite a while - lots of different guys - before I met the Bear. My rule of thumb was.....whomever does the inviting, does the paying.

IE: If you invite HIM out - make it clear that you're picking up the tab. If he invites you, he should pony up.

This only works early in a relationship.....after you've been together for a while it kind of works into a "you buy the drinks and I'll pay for dinner" kind of thing with me.

Good Luck!

jo2love posted 11/17/2013 19:23 PM

I fixed the title for you.

I'm glad you had a nice time. How about you pay next time or split the cost?

worried_lady posted 11/17/2013 19:51 PM

Thank you jo2love

At least I won't stress about that today also

If he calls again I will have to insist it is my treat.

thyme2go posted 11/17/2013 19:59 PM

Seriously - just let the guy pay for all of the dates and stop fretting. Build him a cake or something. Insist otherwise and you may lose out on a good, decent guy.


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