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Alyssamd24 posted 11/17/2013 18:07 PM

It has been 3 months since I have gone NC with my XAP and I think I have made some decent progress since then. I feel no desire to contact him and hope I never see his face again....if I did I would take the opportunity to tell him off once and for all....which brings me to the point of this post.

I have stopped focusing on xap and am putting my energy into my M and R with my BH, and just trying to change things about myself.....but every so often if I do think of my XAP I am overwhelmed with anger, disgust, and other similar feelings. Though these feelings are better than missing him, I know I need to get to the point of complete indifference. When will this happen? How do I do it?

I am looking for advice and thoughts from other WS who may have struggled with this also.

authenticnow posted 11/17/2013 18:22 PM

Have you examined why you are angry and disgusted at him? Why does he get those feelings when you engaged willingly.

Do you think it's because it's easier to focus those feelings on him than put them on yourself?

Might be worth looking at.

UnexpectedSong posted 11/17/2013 18:51 PM

Just keep physical NC (not contacting, etc.) and mental NC (not thinking, etc.). The indifference will come. You don't work toward indifference. You maintain NC and then suddenly one day, you realize you couldn't care less about what's going on with him, good or bad.

Alyssamd24 posted 11/17/2013 19:16 PM

Authentic,
The feelings of anger and disgust are most definitely at myself also....I still can't believe that I did engage in it willingly and never want to be that person again.

I am angry at him for denying the A and painting me as the psycho trying to blackmail him, after he told me multiple times that he cared about me, wanted me to be successful, and loved me. Even though I technically threw him under the bus first by confronting his BW I did it to help fix things w my BH.....not to ruin the AP's life.

I angry at myself for believing his lies and everything he told me.

Mrs Panda posted 11/18/2013 16:28 PM

A few things,

Is being right important to you? Is winning?

I know it always has been for me. I am a know it all. I hate losing. I love to have the last word. I had to try to deal with not getting my way

It seems that rejection and "being called a psycho" is important to you . Why? You know it was a fake relationship and you know you aren't a psycho. Why does it matter what this guy says?

Why why why. Dig deeper.

For me, being thrown under the bus told away all the validation I had gotten from the OM. And then it was ten times worse than had I never had the validation in the first place. Throw in a huge dose of shame and humiliation and there you go

practical tip. Every time you think of him snap an elastic band on your wrist. OUCH. But it works

Also, knowing and thinking about how awful my BH hurt helped too. Knowing that every thought of OM negative or positive was a dagger in his back

Time helps. But I do think you can work towards indifference

Alyssamd24 posted 11/18/2013 17:15 PM

Thank you Mrs Panda....as usual your words make me think

Its pretty much exactly how you described the whole validation thing.....that's how I feel...I want to move towards indifference. ....I'm trying to get there.

What did you do?

I'm thinking I need to get back into IC and explore my FOO some more......I had posted something a while ago about my father and think maybe that's where some of this comes from.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 11/18/2013 20:07 PM

When will this happen? How do I do it?

Here's a frustrating answer... It just happened.
One day I just didn't care.
I had no interest, no curosity, no thoughts of stalking him on fb. No anger at why he wasn't suffering the way we were. Nothing.

I guess it just faded away.

Keep working, it'll happen

JustDesserts posted 11/19/2013 17:10 PM

Good stuff here. Need for acute withdrawal preceded my ability to "gain" even a molecule of indifference, and not just give it right back. Took a while, but with the help here, a good IC, and a supportive, patient spouse, my indifference bank account has grown leaps and bounds. Work still to do. Much. But focusing on myself, then my BW, then my family, my friends, and reality, leaves precious little head space for...xAP.