I have stopped focusing on xap and am putting my energy into my M and R with my BH, and just trying to change things about myself.....but every so often if I do think of my XAP I am overwhelmed with anger, disgust, and other similar feelings. Though these feelings are better than missing him, I know I need to get to the point of complete indifference. When will this happen? How do I do it?
I am looking for advice and thoughts from other WS who may have struggled with this also.
Do you think it's because it's easier to focus those feelings on him than put them on yourself?
Might be worth looking at.
I am angry at him for denying the A and painting me as the psycho trying to blackmail him, after he told me multiple times that he cared about me, wanted me to be successful, and loved me. Even though I technically threw him under the bus first by confronting his BW I did it to help fix things w my BH.....not to ruin the AP's life.
I angry at myself for believing his lies and everything he told me.
Is being right important to you? Is winning?
I know it always has been for me. I am a know it all. I hate losing. I love to have the last word. I had to try to deal with not getting my way
It seems that rejection and "being called a psycho" is important to you . Why? You know it was a fake relationship and you know you aren't a psycho. Why does it matter what this guy says?
Why why why. Dig deeper.
For me, being thrown under the bus told away all the validation I had gotten from the OM. And then it was ten times worse than had I never had the validation in the first place. Throw in a huge dose of shame and humiliation and there you go
practical tip. Every time you think of him snap an elastic band on your wrist. OUCH. But it works
Also, knowing and thinking about how awful my BH hurt helped too. Knowing that every thought of OM negative or positive was a dagger in his back
Time helps. But I do think you can work towards indifference
Its pretty much exactly how you described the whole validation thing.....that's how I feel...I want to move towards indifference. ....I'm trying to get there.
What did you do?
I'm thinking I need to get back into IC and explore my FOO some more......I had posted something a while ago about my father and think maybe that's where some of this comes from.
When will this happen? How do I do it?
Here's a frustrating answer... It just happened.
One day I just didn't care.
I had no interest, no curosity, no thoughts of stalking him on fb. No anger at why he wasn't suffering the way we were. Nothing.
I guess it just faded away.
Keep working, it'll happen
"Your secrets keep you sick"