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Learning to cope with hate

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Gajit posted 11/17/2013 18:16 PM

My WH is an asshole! I am sure that sentiment is shared throughtout this site. UGH!

We agreed 2 weeks ago to talk for 30 minutes at least twice a week where neither one was busy or the OW wasn't around. He works 10-12 hour days so that leaves the calling up to him. It never happened.

Then one day last week when I called him, she thankfully wasn't around. I asked him where she was. He said, "She only comes around when she wants money." (No shit Sherlock!)

Then I had to call him Friday night...he was drinking, she was there...I told him that "Oh, right, it's payday. That's why she is there." He said, "Well, I want someone to share my life with." I said, "I am confused....I thought that's what we have been doing for 25 years." Then he had a drunk laugh and I said I didn't want to talk to him. I hung up.

WTH??? I am so confused.

solus sto posted 11/17/2013 18:18 PM

What is the purpose of a twice-weekly talk with a remorseless man in an affair?

I'm not being snarky. I'm trying to understand what you hope to accomplish with this (and gently point out that you will not be able to).

Spare yourself additional pain. NC except as absolutely necessary.

Gajit posted 11/17/2013 18:20 PM

We need to talk about finances. I refuse to do that when she is around, or when he is drinking.

Nature_Girl posted 11/17/2013 18:28 PM

Y'all need to talk two times a week about finances? I'm calling bullshit. I'm sorry.

Gajit posted 11/17/2013 18:31 PM

Yes, we do. I am stuck at the moment and need him to send money sometimes for extra things. I don't care if you call bullshit! You do not know me and my circumstances!

Gajit posted 11/17/2013 18:33 PM

So much for support! I guess I am done with this website!

inconnu posted 11/17/2013 18:39 PM

The more contact you have with him, the more the hate will fester. It's okay to be angry, but you need to stop hurting yourself, on top of him hurting you. And the hate only hurts you, especially in the long run.

If you need to discuss finances, send an email. Keep it short and to the point. Do not engage him in conversation about OW. She should be a non-entity as far as your concerned.

I know it's really hard. I know you've got questions that you deserve answers to. I know this whole situation sucks worse than most anything else in life.

Vent about it here instead. We'll understand. I promise.

jemimapd posted 11/17/2013 18:41 PM

Gajit, I read your story. Am I right in thinking that you are in the process of divorcing? So you are discussing temporary support?

Or are you actually divorced.

People do want to help you with these problems - and they also want to help you avoid more pain. Maybe there are other ways of communicating with him?

Can you tell us a bit more about your situation.

Nature_Girl posted 11/17/2013 19:01 PM

No, I don't know you. I do know that trying to set up a twice-weekly phone call to discuss finances with a drunk you are divorcing, and you can only talk when the whore isn't around, is an exercise in masochism. You are setting yourself up for failure and pain. You're trying to control this situation, but you cannot. This situation is out of your control, just as he is out of your control.

Hate me if you want. But you need clarity. Maybe your anger & hatred will help you find it. I've been supportive of you all along.

Catwoman posted 11/17/2013 19:59 PM

Has a divorce been filed? By which party? Is there an order for temporary support (child and/or spousal)?

If not, this should be what you do right now. Seriously.

There are very few situations where a couple "needs"to talk for 30 minutes twice weekly about finances. Maybe yours is one of them, but likely not.

Look at it from his standpoint: he gets to while away the time with you while his Twinkie isn't there. He gets to use money to control you (which is why he wants to engage you vs. you getting a court order which takes discussion off the table).

What is in it for you? Seriously, what are YOU getting out of this other than anger and frustration?

Hire an attorney, file and get temp orders. This will eliminate the "need" for this interaction.


newlysingle posted 11/17/2013 20:16 PM

Gently, I have to agree with the others. I think you are still looking for a connection to him, a window into his life under the guise of needing to discuss finances. Trust me, I get it. I felt that way in the beginning too. I just wanted that connection, his attention, any way I could get it. All I did was allow him to hurt me over and over again as flaunted his A at me. It was extremely unhealthy for me and it is for you too.

You need to go strict NC. I understand if you need to discuss finances, but you need to do that over email it text. Not only for your emotional well being, but for your own legal protection. Financial discussions need to be documented.

Nobody is trying to attack you here. We have all just been dealing with this bullshit long enough to know that speaking to him is going to do nothing but set you back in your healing. He is dead to you now. You need to grieve the loss and start moving forward.

[This message edited by newlysingle at 8:18 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 11/17/2013 20:24 PM

So much for support

What type of support are you looking for?

There is not one of us down here in D/S that is going to tell you that it is a good idea to spend an hour of your week *begging* your WH for money.....especially when that *time* has to be finessed around his schedule with work or OW.

This situation, as described, equals absolute emotional destruction for you and we just want to see you get yourself away from the craziness.....

PurpleRose posted 11/17/2013 20:34 PM

This is a perfect example of why down here in the dungeon of S/D we constantly say NC-NC-NC.

There is truly no scenario that I have ever seen on here, or heard of IRL, where you'd need to speak on the phone to your STBX about finances twice weekly. None.

Your anger is misdirected here. You need to channel that towards your STBX wayward. He is eating cake in a grand fashion and you are allowing it.

File for divorce. Get temp orders- then you won't need to torture yourself with those unproductive phone calls begging for money.

Thefly559 posted 11/18/2013 05:19 AM

I agree no contact at all. Sorry. Get court ordered money and let him feel the karma.

Deeply Scared posted 11/18/2013 13:19 PM


I'm not sure what has you so angry, but members took the time to reply to you and give you feedback based on what you provided.

It would be unfortunate for you to walk away from some really good support.

Deeply Scared posted 11/18/2013 13:27 PM


While it is your opinion, your message to anyone, especially a newbie could be delivered in a far more gentle way.

Please keep in mind that people are hurting and confused and being told "bullshit" isn't really helpful.

Thank you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:27 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

Nature_Girl posted 11/18/2013 14:16 PM

You're right, and I apologize.

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