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Tips from those farther along?

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KJac posted 11/17/2013 19:43 PM

Anyone have any tips for dealing w/these feelings of rejection?? I'm just really hurting right now and feeling lousy about myself again.

How about control issues? I feel so damn out of control. Like I haven't had control of my own life for so long... like I've spent so much (wasted) time worrying about and trying to control WH's behavior and shit that I don't know how to just LET HIM GO.

I'm so afraid of this pain. I know I will live. I read read read so much, so many different threads here, etc. and I know I WILL SURVIVE but it just hurts so much and I know I just need to let go and face this pain so I can deal w/it and start to move on ... I just ... it just hurts so damn much.

Nature_Girl posted 11/17/2013 20:03 PM

I can't help you with the rejection. I can say that letting go is actually a freedom. When you surrender, when you stop trying to maintain the illusion of control (because that's all it is), there is a sense of liberation. When you stop trying to come out of this the same person you were before, when you realize that to overcome it all you must become an entirely new person, that's when you realize the power you actually have. It's already inside you.

newlysingle posted 11/17/2013 20:06 PM


Of course it hurts and unfortunately it will for awhile. It will start to diminish over time though. The more daggers the Gnat throws my way, the number I become to him and his BS. It's taken a lot of soul searching and IC to come to terms with the fact that his A had nothing to do with me. I also know that he is the insecure one that hates himself. I was always the strong, confident one and he resented me for it. He found a handy and willing whore that is as stupid, insecure and immoral as he is. He needs that to boost his confidence.

You will face a roller coaster if emotions through this journey if healing, but you will one day be able to laugh at his stupidity. I am beginning to find a lot if humor in the stupid shit the Gnat does. He and Hello Kitty are a regular comedy routine.

Stay with us, post often and you will get there. You will one day realize that you dodged a bullet.

[This message edited by newlysingle at 8:07 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

Gemini71 posted 11/17/2013 20:11 PM

I highly recommend checking out an S-Anon meeting in your area. They view control issues like yours to be part of the common problem of S-Anon. Having a real life support network can pickup where SI leaves off.


Dreamboat posted 11/17/2013 23:22 PM

How about control issues? I feel so damn out of control. Like I haven't had control of my own life for so long

Find one thing that you can control in your life and then take total control of it. It can be something as small as choosing to answer your phone or not. Or something that seems silly like eating when YOU want to or cooking the meal that YOU want or eating a bowl of cereal for dinner. Or even buying the brand of toothpaste or soap that YOU want.

Start small and then move to bigger things. And soon you will be able to handle all the things that you need to control no matter how big and overwhelming they seem to you right now. Tiny step will start this journey for you.


KJac posted 11/18/2013 00:00 AM

Thank you all so much for the support and advice. I had to look up what S-Anon was and then was thinking that maybe the whole sex addiction thing didn't apply in this situation but I went thru the checklist anyway - HA - of course it does for pete's sake I've stayed w/a man who has had multiple EA and PA for nearly 20 years. Ummmm... sex addiction and codependency issues here? DUH! I will prob check into this further as I am familiar w/12 Step programs as my dad is a recovering alcoholic (36+ yrs. now - yaaah Dad!) who lives his AA program and my mom was actively involved in Al-Anon as well when I was growing up.

I love the suggestion to start by picking 1 small thing at a time that I can control. I can DO that. It makes it seem so less overwhelming!

My mom also told me tonight to stop focusing on the things I CANNOT control and concentrate on the things I can. I also was reading other threads earlier and absolutely loved a post by another survivor who talked about changing her focus from someone who repeatedly hurt and caused pain to all the good supportive positive things and people in her life. I really needed to hear that tonight.

So, right now, that's my "mantra". FOCUS. I keep telling myself that tonight when I want to get sucked back into this emotional hellhole. FOCUS.

So far I have managed to make a list of all household bills/monthly expenses + a variety of "extras" that come up regularly for kids (school/sports/activity fees, etc.). I also went thru a few different threads/posts on SI and made a list of things I want to talk to a lawyer about - i.e. things I want, questions I have and so on... Finally, I made a "to do" list for myself for this week - 1. get a lawyer 2. apply for housing assistance 3. get a couple of totes and pack the rest of WHs shit out of MY bedroom (I will put it in the garage so he does NOT need to come in here anymore) + a few other things I need to address/take care of. Whew, I feel a little better.

I am steeling myself for more emotional breakdowns but I will try to face my pain head-on and reach out to friends/family and post here for support. I also started doing some research on rejection issues and plan to look for some self-help books tomorrow. (I've always been a big fan of the self-help books but this time I think I'll actually do the exercises suggested )

I plan to also post soon in the Fears vs. Reality thread as this seems like a VERY great tool to help me move forward.

My last goal for myself right now is to write a letter to WH telling him exactly what I think of him. The ANGER, HATRED all of it. I will keep it for myself and when I feel ready, I will THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE along w/all of the other crap baggage he left behind for me to deal with.

This seems like a long list so wish me luck and send me strength!

Kajem posted 11/18/2013 00:32 AM

Kinds like you've got a plan. Good .

I have a book recommendation-the Journey From Abandonment to Healing.
Allow yourself to feel good, bad, sad, mad, grateful and give yourself permission to laugh-it helps you heal as much as the tears do-allow them to fall also.

Do something nice for you each day. It can be as simple as -5 minutes of reading an indulgent book, a soak in a hot bath, a walk, a favorite candy. Each thing is part of self care , a need at this time.


Abbondad posted 11/18/2013 07:02 AM


I am sorry you are in pain. Rejection is a pain unique unto itself; it's just terrible, deep and primordial. My sense of rejection is fading very slowly, but of course it is still there.

As the others have noted, it is crucial to accept that nothing you did prompted his rejection of you in such a cruel way.

Kajem recommended The Journey from Healing to Abandonment. I do as well. Coincidentally, I just posted this to AAS's thread the other day:

BTW, I recommend the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It's really the only one of "those" books that really clicked for me, for we have been abandoned, and it helps to understand that our responses are physiological survival reactions forged over deep evolutionary time. Understanding this has helped me not be so hard on myself.

newnormal posted 11/18/2013 07:05 AM

Im guessing I'm about 1 year ahead of you We tried R/limbo for over 5 years. I just had enough.

I have 2 concepts of advice. First, I never thought I would be happy again. I just couldn't grasp it. But post D I am single and happy! !! You are continually under drama that is holding you down. Secondly, your next steps in life will be hard, FOR A BRIEF TIME. Filing, telling people, house stuff, etc. Think of these things as constipation. This too shall pass.


ninebark posted 11/18/2013 07:18 AM


You have been given some good advice. My DDay was 4 years ago and I have been separated (divorce in progress) for 2 years. It does get easier with time. It is like grieving after a death, time is the biggest healer.

Like the others I found something in my life to control. For me it was running. I started running to do something with my son, to show him I was living a healthy lifestyle. I lost weight and felt great. I was in complete control. Now running isn't for everyone, but the premise is sound. Find something to put your focus on.

I like your plan, keep busy, surround yourself with supportive friends and family. focus on the positive. And know you have lots of support here at SI!

Pippy posted 11/18/2013 12:32 PM

I don't know how to just LET HIM GO.

In regard to the acceptance part, we all know it takes time. I don't know how fresh this all is for you.

For me it took a talk with my father who was a WH. I learned that he wasn't sitting home with OW, occasionally thinking of the good ol' days with my mom. He resented her because he had to pay life long alimony.

It made me realize that my EX felt the same way. He had no warm fuzzies about me either. From that moment on I was able to give up the hope that I had that some day he would come to his senses and want me back. I had that hope for over 5 years. It has been 9 years now and he just doesn't matter any more. You will get there too.

[This message edited by Pippy at 12:36 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

Thefly559 posted 11/18/2013 13:45 PM

I am 7 months from D day and in middle of a nasty divorce. How I dealt with the rejection of my stbxww was to focus on me , gym , yoga, kids, motorcycle, boxing, whatever allowed me to release the pain. I still feel it often but not close to the pain in the beginning. I am sorry you are here but it gets better. Stay strong and focused. All the best.

KJac posted 11/18/2013 14:59 PM

Thank you all for giving me some hope. It's really hard to feel hopeful right now. People keep telling me at some point I WILL feel some relief but its hard to imagine that right now.

I'm trying hard to stay FOCUSED. I've been saying it to myself all day. Often out loud.

I've made some progress today - paid some bills this a.m., Shitface said he paid the propane bill so I called to confirm (he did), picked up an application for housing assistance, I am waiting on 2 lawyers to call me back, and I picked up a couple of totes and packed ALL of his shit out of my bedroom and put it in the garage. (2 totes and 2 large garbage bags) It made me feel a bit sad and sort of numb?

@ Pippy - I think part of the reason it hurts so much right now is because he clearly is feeling no "warm fuzzies" for me. He is blaming me for the state of our marriage, he's angry, cold, detached, yet tries to "act" like he's all Mr. Nice Guy and is gonna be so civil about this yada yada yada... He attempted falseR for 74 days (he pointed this # out at our first and last MC as he expressed that its been SEVENTY FOUR DAYS and I still would not let him move back into the house) but this was after Dday # 4(at least) and the only thing he really changed was he quit drinking. Kudos to him but 99% of his As were carried on when he was sober and he's admitted in the past lots of his drinking is to deal w/his guilt - whatever. I guess its a moot point now. I should probably point out that this is the longest I've ever stuck to my guns/boundaries - I did not waver and I did not promise that even if he did all these things I would stay w/him this time (simply made it perfectly clear that I would not even consider it if I didn't see clear consistent behavior that this time he was for real) Its almost laughable that he claimed to be having NC w/any of the women (note the plural there) but would confess to nothing other than the one he got caught w/on this latest Dday - and never did tell the whole truth about that - (caught by my niece and her boyfriend, no less). He also made little to no attempt to carry through w/anything that would show me he was trying to be a better husband/father - I've been going to IC and made my needs very clear.

Needless to say it would truly make no difference @ this point if he wasn't being such a cruel dickhead because I am honestly done w/this worthless POS but dammit the rejection still hurts. And it still blows my mind that he can seriously blame me. 50% of the marriage asshole - that's it for me!! And quite frankly I spent a lot of years working in IC to deal w/my 50%. I know none of this really matters now, but its what I'm feeling and dealing with. Please please someone reassure me I will get past this????

Clearly, I have rejection issues. Pretty damn serious ones that I've done this for 18+ years w/him, w/multiple As & Ddays plus he's a shitty father, provider, and does absolutely nothing around the house. NOTHING. Didn't even do the yardwork. And he wasn't even nice to me. Except for during falseRs. Hmmmm... guess my IC and I will have lots to talk about tomorrow morning ...

Pippy posted 11/18/2013 16:57 PM

Rejection sensitvity is tied to depression and self esteem issues that usually stem from FOO issues. Something to discuss with your ic next visit.

KJac posted 11/18/2013 20:35 PM

@ Pippy - thanks for suggesting the article - I definitely can relate to lots it -

Question - what is FOO?

Dreamboat posted 11/19/2013 07:19 AM

FOO = Family of Origin.

Spelljean posted 11/19/2013 14:28 PM

Yes, healthy living did it for me. The majority of the time I stick to a healthy lifestyle. Yoga has saved me, as has bicycle riding, walking, pilates. I play around with ballet barre exercises to work some little used muscle groups. It is a huge sense of control, feeling strong and able in one way, at least.

KJac posted 11/19/2013 15:36 PM

ok - I am thinking seriously about the exercising!! I was always a physically fit, active, athletic kid. For various reasons I moved away from that and to self-destructive behaviors (ha- @ Pippy - I'm realizing that I DEFINITELY need to do some more work on my FOO issues - thank you for suggesting this) When my boys were little I was always very active w/them - playing outside, running around, biking, etc. - I've been thinking about why I moved away from that and the thoughts that came to mind were about STBX belittling me about my abilities... sometimes subtly, often outright by making fun of me, laughing at me, etc. In recent years any attempt I've made such as purchasing a treadmill, buying myself a bike have been met w/the same belittling. Needless to say I've felt pretty bad about myself for far too long. I have been on the not-so-fun "divorce diet" and have lost 20+ pounds and I am going to get his goddamned critical voice out of my head and exercise because I enjoy it and it makes me feel good and is good for me.

I treated myself today by going to B & N and bought myself a nice little pile of self-help books for ME (not to try and figure out him or why he has done the things he's done) to figure out how I can deal w/and move past this shit show and heal myself. I am even proud of myself cause when I checked out the clerk asked me if I was a therapist (hehehe - I guess I must need a lot of work since I had so many books) and I very calmly told her "no, unfortunately I'm divorcing so I guess this is part of my therapy". The statement just came out nice and calm, no big emotional surge. I felt a bit surprised w/myself but also kind of good.

Well thank goodness one of the books I purchased was "Don't Call That Man, A Survival Guide to Letting Go" cause at one point today I decided to write a letter to STBX about the shit in our marriage that I'll "own" + addressed a few other issues he's blamed/blaming me for because I am just so frustrated w his fucking blame game again. I seriouslyconsidered sharing this w him but told myself I will not do anything right now w/out serious consideration and if I have ANY doubts about doing/saying something I will give it time to think it through. Well - hello - he does not care about these issues, it is ridiculously futile at this point to keep trying to show him the error of his ways as he will clearly NEVER get it (its been nearly 20 yr. for pete's sake). This book pointed out I would once again be setting myself up for probable humiliation and rejection and some more pain or possibly even worse as he could give me some fake validation that would temporarily make me feel good but will eventually end up back at STEP ONE in the process of letting him go as this is OVER and I would only be prolonging my grieving process. So, I will keep it for me and when I'm feeling frustrated I will look at it to remind/validate myself NC NC NC !!! This is NECESSARY for ME

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