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Childoftheking posted 11/17/2013 20:53 PM

A little background:
My husband and I have had a very happy 11 years of marriage. He came home from a deployment a couple months ago (what I thought was going to be a joyful reunion) and was completely cold and distant and eventually asked for a divorce. I didn't even know who he was...the man I married was gone...this lasted for 4 weeks, and I had no idea why. I assumed he had PTSD from something horrible that happened during a previous deployment, and I thought his recent deployment brought it up.He didn't think there was anyway I would forgive him, so he wanted to push me away so I could move on, and I think he thought he deserved to lose his family. He went to IC on his own, and after his first session, he came home and confessed everything. He was broken, ashamed of himself and completely remorseful. Things were a little rocky with my emotions up and down and all over the place, but things are very good right now and have been for a few weeks. He's been to IC to figure out how he could have done this, and we've been to MC.

Here's my question...
I feel like my recovery is going much more smoothly than is "normal"...whatever that means for this situation. I've read posts on here, and it seems most people struggle for years through this. Maybe because we both had already grieved what we both thought was the loss of our marriage for those 4 weeks it was easier? I felt relieved when I finally knew what was wrong instead of infuriated. I felt relieved to see emotion and love for me in his eyes again. I feel like I have truly, honestly forgiven my husband. He might not deserve my trust, but I even feel like I trust him more now than I did before because now that he knows he is capable of this, he will be more vigilant in preventing it. I feel like we have learned from this...both of us, and will more actively make sure our marriage comes first in our lives and will appreciate each other more. Am I crazy? Should I be expecting some insane meltdown in a few months? I feel like I'm more worried about him forgiving himself. I'm thrilled things are going so well...I'm just a little worried that this is going to come back up later and even worse. Am I just kidding myself? I FEEL like my forgiveness is truly genuine. I can talk about it without getting emotional. I have no anger towards OW anymore...I actually feel sorry for her. Has anyone else been able to forgive so soon?

bionicgal posted 11/17/2013 20:58 PM

I would suggest that you just hold on and not pass judgement for a while. It could be that you miraculously healed super fast, but it is more likely that you are at the beginning of a process of forgiveness. I would heartily recommend the book "How Can I Forgive You" which talks about the different types of forgiveness.

I have had times where I feel like you describe, where I think, "Is it normal for me to be doing this well?," and then I get triggered by something. So, it certainly is not the norm to heal so quickly from such a trauma. But, we are all different.

Best of luck to you!

blakesteele posted 11/17/2013 21:10 PM

Hi Childoftheking,

I think you COULD be normal from where I sit.

It sounds as if your husband did several things right after his very wrong decision.

1. He recognized he had a problem.
2. He sought professional help.
3. He found a good counselor (that may have been more luck then right decision)
4. He admitted to you that he had an A.
5. He told you the whole truth (?...I am assuming this).
6. He had solid, real remorse from your DD on....no trickle trothing, no breaking NC.

I say you are where I am at now....14 months after my DD.

1. I discovered my wifes affair.
2. Deny, deny, deny.
3. Partial truth....lies, lies, lies,
4. OKAY MC employed.
5. Wife took her EA to PA after 4 weeks of MC sessions.
6. Trickle truth
7. NC broken by wife via email to OM...he did NOT return the email.
8. Fog was thick...wife angry towards me for breaking up her A.
9. Remorse was non-existent...other than remorse over loosing her adulterous relationship.
10. 10 months post DD....kinda got where you are at.

Kicker is....all of MY journey adds up to MORE hurts to repair. My wife added exponential weight to our backs as we learn to R.

Thank God your husband choose differently than my wife....no doubt you are still in considerable pain....but your husband is manning-up. I suspect this is a part of who he is...seeing as he is a soldier. If he saw any action at all, I would say it changed his heart about what he really wanted to do with his life from that point on.

There was actually a point where I prayed my wifes AP would man-up like your husband is doing....just to show me that one of the two adults in that relationship found their moral compass and started using it. But, alas, he is onto another woman as I write this.

My wife did finally come around. Have no idea if our M will survive this journey...but growth is occurring, we have little girls, and I have faith we can overcome this.

It is a rare fWS that actually does what your husband is doing. I hope you get more educated responses to this than mine....I see lots of BS like me on here...not too many that start from where you are starting from.

In short....you guys started about 12 months further along then the typical WS BS couple....this is a VERY good thing!!!

God be with us all.

blakesteele posted 11/17/2013 21:12 PM

That book bionicgal speaks of is an EXCELLENT read....thanks for thinking of that bionicgal.

I was tempted to do a very shallow form of forgiveness to get through this pain fast.....but then really read and understood this book. I decided that for the amount of pain I am experiencing I will not settle for quick, cheap forgiveness.

Childoftheking....do you feel you have properly, thoroughly grieved the pain, hurt and loss you experienced by your husbands choices and actions?

It took me 2 months to get to the RAGE stage....

God be with us all.

Childoftheking posted 11/17/2013 21:29 PM

Yes, on the night he told me, he told me the basics, and then told me I could ask him anything I wanted to and he would answer it truthfully...and he did. There were times when I'd ask the same thing over and over again, and he answered every time (even if it was something he already answered a million times) honestly. I've never seen him cry so much in our marriage, and I know he is destroyed that our marriage is forever "tainted" with this mistake he made.

The anger thing...that's what I'm a little worried about. I am certainly mad that he risked his whole life and betrayed me in a such a horrible way, but I haven't had an extended period of just pure rage that you mentioned. I almost feel thankful that I'm on this side of the affair and don't have to live with the guilt that he does. I'm not one to just be mad because "I should be"...I don't want to hate him out of spite. I just reacted honestly. I feel like he truly just made the worst mistake of his life, and he wants to do everything in his power to be the man I deserve.

The trust thing...he I know every password he has, but I don't feel like I HAVE to check up on anything. He ended it on his own a month before he came home, and wants nothing to do with her (as far as I know anyway). I don't want to spend my life worried about what he may or may not do in the future. I did worry about the "what if he does it again" in the beginning, but our MC said something that changed my worries. She said, "If he does it again, you divorce him. You will know that he didn't learn anything from his mistake, and you deserve better."

Childoftheking posted 11/17/2013 21:35 PM

Thank you for the book recommendation...I will definitely check it out!

SummerStorm21 posted 11/17/2013 22:02 PM

I actually think its very possible to be where you are, the difference for a lot of us is a WS who isn't as forthcoming or apologetic.

When I first found out I went from shock to hope quite quickly, but WS's failure to step up or even communicate killed it. Now it's harder to overcome the anger and doubt. Definitely more hurt caused since DDay. I'm glad for your sake you have been spared that pain so far.

iwillNOT posted 11/17/2013 22:06 PM

I don't know if you are abnormal? Maybe just lucky

If you have worked through all this and are in a good place, good for you. If this is a honeymoon period and your feelings change later, so be it. As long as you are not pushing down or denying any of your feelings, then I say be happy with it.

It does make sense to me that IC, MC, and lots of reading and introspection are still in order. take this opportunity to make the best "you", and the best marriage, you can.

All the best to you!

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 10:06 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

karmahappens posted 11/17/2013 22:23 PM

Hi Child :)

Can I ask you a few questions? I am no expert, it's more of a hmmm for me.

During the four weeks he was claiming to want a divorce was he in contact with the OW?

Do you know this woman?

Has he given any "reason" for having an A?

Will he work with the OW going forward?

Is the OW married? If yes, does her BS know?

The 2 months of EA and PA was it while they were both deployed?

What type of relationship does your husband have with his family? You w/ yours? Any FOO issues?

Do you have children?

I think R comes in many shapes and sizes, none of us are normal

You need to trust your gut IMO and be sure you haven't swept anything under the rug. I think it's great that you are asking and willing to think there may be more feelings to come.

I also think it's a great first step that he is being proactive in your healing.

(((hugs)))

Childoftheking posted 11/17/2013 23:08 PM

Karma...

He didn't have any contact with her since coming home, and he says he didn't even talk to her at all after they ended it and were still deployed together . She emailed him after he had already told me, and he came home and told me about the email. She wanted to make sure he wasn't going hunting with her husband. My husband and hers have a hunting friend in common.

Her husband does not know about the affair as far as I know. I feel horrible for him, and wish I could let him know that his wife is still pursuing married men. This was her second affair. The first affair she had was while she was deployed as well, he found out, told her work, and she got in trouble. I'm sure she's terrified that he will find out because if he did, her career is ruined.

I do not know this woman at all. My husband does not work with her, but works with people that do. We are moving to another base soon...thank the good Lord.

My husband's reasons for the affair...he hasn't given any real reasons. He has said that he was lonely, depressed and weak...that he liked the attention and it made him feel good about himself. ..that he was selfish and really stupid.

Yes...we have 4 great kiddos together!

karmahappens posted 11/17/2013 23:31 PM

Well I think if there are no red flags and no FOO issues all you can do is listen to your gut and continue to communicate. I always wonder about the circumstances surrounding those deployed...not that it is ever an excuse. But they share such intimate moments, boundaries must be hard to stick to in those instances.

I would let the OBS know, it's sad he doesn't know his truth. :(

I hope you are able to continue to move forward in a positive direction!

Don't be afraid going forward if you do start to have other feelings. Come and talk if you need to.

Good luck!!

SmallButStrong posted 11/17/2013 23:46 PM

I remember feeling this way when I was about where you are. My journal entries were more optimistic and forgiving in the first couple months than they are now. I, too, felt pity on the OW about 2 months out and when saw her once in public I almost gave her a hug!

I honestly think I was in shock in the beginning and just trying to keep moving forward for self-preservation. The reality of it all didn't even hit me until 6 months out. That's when I started punching walls and calling the OW despicable names.

If I were you, I would just be thankful to feel as good as you do now and enjoy it. You never know when/if it's going to spiral downward!

Nest2007 posted 11/18/2013 04:22 AM

CotK, I see many parallels in our stories. My H did everything right from the start - confessed, textbook R steps, full disclosure - and at about the same time out from DDay I felt as you do - our R must be abnormal because of how well it was going.

Gently - be prepared for the anger to kick in at about 5-6 months out. I am not angry at my H, because like your situation, I understand the terrible mental state my H was in when the A occurred (on the verge of a nervous breakdown). I recall the trauma that your H had experienced prior to his A. As time goes on though, my fury at the conniving, gutless, completely devoid of morals OW has increased. I am in a very bad way at the moment, with anger consuming me. At one point I genuinely thought I'd forgiven OW - I even hugged her and felt sorry for her (totally get you SmallbutStrong!). That feeling is no longer. I do not like who I am right now, and at times my anger does become directed at my H. It's horrible.

Please just be prepared for the anger stage because it almost definitely will come, and you will have no control over it when it does. I'm almost in more pain and turmoil now than I was after DDay. Hugs CotK.

blakesteele posted 11/18/2013 06:11 AM

Some good comments from seasoned SI members....I am still more optimistic in how I view life, so I appreciate Karmahappens list of questions. I would encourage you to really pay attention to that list of questions.

When I first found out I went from shock to hope quite quickly, but WS's failure to step up or even communicate killed it. Now it's harder to overcome the anger and doubt. Definitely more hurt caused since DDay.

I could have authored this quote. My wife took her EA and went PA within 6 weeks of DD, us being in weekly MC and IC, her sister and close friends knowing about the EA, her passionately ACTING remorseful, me being a sucker and WANTING to believe her.....it all adds up to exponential anger, hurt and doubt from that point forward.

It hurt because my wife knew better and choose to do the same, hurtful actions (actually increase them!)....the intentionality of her painful choices is much harder to accept than the playful, innocent way her A started. My stupid keyboard will not let me use quotes.....playful, innocent should be in quotes. There is nothing playful or innocent about how my wife conducted herself from the very beginning of her illicit affair. It hurt because of MY OWN CONTRIBUTIONS to this dreadful period of my life......I would be so disappointed in my daughters if they choose as I did. I pray I find ways to encourage them to respect themselves more than I did. Everything was NOT fine!!! Why did I insist it was?!? My wife took another mans cock in her mouth and had intercourse with him!!!! All unprotected, without any sexual history discussions, taking him at his word that he was fixed, my wife not on birth control!!!! God help me.......

It took me 2 months AFTER my wife had sex with him to find my RAGE....so that put me at 4-5 months post-DD. I think this was pretty average for a BS in my sitch. The RAGE I felt was like a silver back gorilla....I have seen videos where these powerful creatures seem unstoppable when provoked. I know Joyce Meyers says we can control our emotions....I am here to tell you it is only by the grace of God I did not stomp my wifes AP into the earth....or hit my wife. God help me again....the RAGE in me was unlike anything I felt....didn't think it was even possible for me to experience...........but I did, it is a part of me.

I am happy to hear you have 4 kids....they are blessings from God. I am also reminded that my wifes actions hurt 7 kids....our 2 and his 5. Sometimes when I hold ours, or look at them....I think of what my wife was trading for what she was getting.

The disproportionate cost-benefit equation to adultery does not compute....and yet people choose to do this. My wife contended for the longest time she hurt me with her affair but would never do anything to hurt our daughters.

I am in a different spot now...have grown much in 15 months. 12 months of counseling, posting here, close personal friend, reading and praying have all helped me.

IF my wife chooses adultery again....my reaction will not be of rage....it will be one of profound sadness. It will say very clearly that my wife chooses to dissolve our M. Adultery is the only sin in the bible that God makes an exception to end a M over. My wife is no longer in an A. She knows there was nothing innocent or playful about her choice in the past. She has established some boundaries and is firming them up daily.

But thanks to MY journey early on....doubt remains. IF my wife chooses again...EA or PA...D will occur.

Childoftheking....don't rug sweep anything. Even the small things....talk it out, ask questions, read up on those questions, post here, find a pastor or family friend to talk to in real life.

This is a silent burden in so many ways....but I don't believe a person can grow through this experience without external help.

Adultery is said to be one of the strongest traumas a human can go through. I am grateful for your sitch....but don't minimize the hurt and damage that your husbands actions have done to you or your family. It is important that he not minimize them either.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:16 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

heforgotme posted 11/18/2013 09:09 AM

Yes, I think you are normal

I think it is great that you are doing so well and say just go with it. I would just caution you that you may go through other stages before this is over, so be prepared so that you don't think it's backsliding. It may not happen, but if it does, that is perfectly "normal" too.

bionicgal posted 11/18/2013 09:33 AM

Quoting BSteele:
"It took me 2 months AFTER my wife had sex with him to find my RAGE....so that put me at 4-5 months post-DD. I think this was pretty average for a BS in my sitch. The RAGE I felt was like a silver back gorilla....I have seen videos where these powerful creatures seem unstoppable when provoked. I know Joyce Meyers says we can control our emotions....I am here to tell you it is only by the grace of God I did not stomp my wifes AP into the earth...."

Not to t/j, but boy, can I relate. How fierce are female gorillas? We can laugh about it sometimes: I tend to throw things, mainly food. One morning I hurled my husband's breakfast bagel out the open door into the garage. When my dad came to visit a few weeks later, he mentioned he thought we might have mice in the garage, and i remembered the half a bagel we never found. Mouse food!

We can laugh about it because it is so out of character for me, and I haven't done anything truly heinous, but it scares me. That anger is so primal, and speaks to a deep, deep hurt. And, losing control like that feels very shame-inducing on some level...and more than a little scary.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:35 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

HurtButHopeful? posted 11/18/2013 13:19 PM

I think you are normal. Your H had a prior trauma that may have helped set up his emotional vulnerability to enter into an A. He ended the A himself, remained NC, confessed it all to you and has not TT-d you at all.

From what I've read here,when the A is really over, the TT can cause more pain and distrust than the actual A caused on DDay. False R also ruins healing. Your R has been open, honest, and you seem to be on firm ground regarding your H.

Enjoy your R! I'm so happy for you.

HBH

Childoftheking posted 11/18/2013 21:48 PM

Thank you so much for your responses. I am going to be thankful for the happiness I feel right now! When/if I have angry/sad days, weeks, or months...I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there!