This Topic is Archived
lisaloo (original poster member #20082) posted at 2:58 AM on Monday, November 18th, 2013
WH is not really speaking to me...but he's changing the oil in my car right now...he did the laundry yesterday and dug up some bushes that I'd asked him to do for a year now...but (if you've been following my story you'll remember) he then left the house and went and got drunk or whatever and didn't come home until almost 4am (so I got 2 hours of sleep before work wondering if he was coming home to keep DD). Wtf is this? You won't talk yo me but you'll do my laundry? Our marriage is crap but he's doing yard work for a house that we won't even own if things don't change? What the hell? Anyone know what is happening here?
Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.
JustWow ( member #19636) posted at 3:02 AM on Monday, November 18th, 2013
He's telling himself he is trying by doing what is easy for him to do, what he is willing to do. Then he can tell himself he is trying.
I called this putting frosting on the rancid cake.
It is pretty and sweet and it tries to cover the rot beneath. It doesn't work.
[This message edited by JustWow at 9:03 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]
BW - Reconciling
edited for typos (I always have to!)
Ostrich80 ( member #34827) posted at 3:11 AM on Monday, November 18th, 2013
I'm with Justwow...^^^^^ nailed it
BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????
lisaloo (original poster member #20082) posted at 3:21 AM on Monday, November 18th, 2013
That makes sense...he's making me loathe being around him.
Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.
SummerStorm21 ( member #41320) posted at 3:29 AM on Monday, November 18th, 2013
JustWow just gave me goose bumps! Spot on.
Not giving a crap about your feelings, that's for sure.
karmahappens ( member #35846) posted at 3:56 AM on Monday, November 18th, 2013
That makes sense...he's making me loathe being around him.
And then you will be the bad guy for calling it quits.
FTG
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd
brkn_heartd ( member #30396) posted at 4:43 AM on Monday, November 18th, 2013
He is hoping you will see he can "do stuff" for you. As if that matters. My FWH still does things like that occasionally even if he is not having his A. It is really weird.
Me-57 BS
Him 65-WS
Married 38 yrs, together 40
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10
deena ( member #27275) posted at 5:27 AM on Monday, November 18th, 2013
Easing his conscience like "just wow" said.
Makes him feel less of a bad guy.
Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.
IDeserveMore ( member #40460) posted at 5:40 AM on Monday, November 18th, 2013
My husband does this exact thing. He does the things HE wants to do to be able to show that he is trying.
But I've pointed out again and again that these don't do it for me. I've been so specific about my needs but he just can't do those things. But he'll clean and run errands and hang out with the kids instead.
I'd just be so pissed if I were you. You want him to get his ass home so you don't have to worry where he is or if he'll be home for when you leave for work. You want him home so you can just get some sleep. But he can't give you that.
This burns me up every time.
Me 54, WH 57, 25yo DD, 23yo DS. DD#1 1998 followed by 1 year of blatant denialDD#2 2004 followed by 6 YEARS OF TT. Do I win for the longest TT on this site? Divorced and so very happy!
stillprettyupset ( member #41286) posted at 11:53 AM on Monday, November 18th, 2013
In no way trying to defend an adulterer, but it's possible he doesn't understand what he needs to do for you so he's trying what he thinks will demonstrate care. I was a terrible communicator (and probably still am) so I did things for my wife to show affection. Turns out that wasn't recognized as a display of caring. My thinking went: I do the dishes, sweep the floor, and run laundry so she will appreciate what a catch I am...give her free time to do what she enjoys...and she will leap into my arms in a flurry of passionate emotion. That I didn't have to talk about "feelings" was just gravy! So, in reality she said "thank you" then used her newfound free time to text her AP. Awesome.
The point being, men aren't trained during adolescence to understand what you need to feel loved, cared for, appreciated, or how to console grief and apologize. We will move a mountain with a spoon but never consider that what you really needed was a hug.
He might be trying.
Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?
ladies_first ( member #24643) posted at 1:09 PM on Monday, November 18th, 2013
WH is not really speaking to me...but he's changing the oil in my car right now...he did the laundry yesterday and dug up some bushes that I'd asked him to do for a year now
These are all "Acts of Service," which are nice ... unless your M has imploded. Yet one more instance of "Looking for love in all the wrong places."
He's doing the only thing he knows how to do, because he's never been taught how to do any differently.
Thank him for digging up the bushes after a year and hand him a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald (98 pages long). Tell him when he is done with his "thinking and processing" the two of you need to talk about your M.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway
cancuncrushed ( member #28156) posted at 8:11 PM on Monday, November 18th, 2013
I needed this. I was wondering what all this cleaning and cooking meant. I have read the book 5 love languages. And I do believe his love language is to do things. Mine is not. ANd also his mom was OCD clean freak. I hadnt really compared it to him making himself feel better. What really irks me in the end, is he makes a huge production of it. " I DID THE LAUNDRY" CAN YOU SAY THANK YOU? pisses me off. And we fought for 3 months, because he was ruining my nice clothes. Now I hide my dirty laundry. And my reply is "but you didnt put it away". This doesnt help me in any way. Thanks for input. Iwas puzzled/.
This Topic is Archived
