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What is he doing?

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lisaloo posted 11/17/2013 20:58 PM

WH is not really speaking to me...but he's changing the oil in my car right now...he did the laundry yesterday and dug up some bushes that I'd asked him to do for a year now...but (if you've been following my story you'll remember) he then left the house and went and got drunk or whatever and didn't come home until almost 4am (so I got 2 hours of sleep before work wondering if he was coming home to keep DD). Wtf is this? You won't talk yo me but you'll do my laundry? Our marriage is crap but he's doing yard work for a house that we won't even own if things don't change? What the hell? Anyone know what is happening here?

JustWow posted 11/17/2013 21:02 PM

He's telling himself he is trying by doing what is easy for him to do, what he is willing to do. Then he can tell himself he is trying.

I called this putting frosting on the rancid cake.

It is pretty and sweet and it tries to cover the rot beneath. It doesn't work.

[This message edited by JustWow at 9:03 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

Ostrich80 posted 11/17/2013 21:11 PM

I'm with Justwow...^^^^^ nailed it

lisaloo posted 11/17/2013 21:21 PM

That makes sense...he's making me loathe being around him.

SummerStorm21 posted 11/17/2013 21:29 PM

JustWow just gave me goose bumps! Spot on.

Not giving a crap about your feelings, that's for sure.

karmahappens posted 11/17/2013 21:56 PM

That makes sense...he's making me loathe being around him.

And then you will be the bad guy for calling it quits.


brkn_heartd posted 11/17/2013 22:43 PM

He is hoping you will see he can "do stuff" for you. As if that matters. My FWH still does things like that occasionally even if he is not having his A. It is really weird.

deena posted 11/17/2013 23:27 PM

Easing his conscience like "just wow" said.

Makes him feel less of a bad guy.

IDeserveMore posted 11/17/2013 23:40 PM

My husband does this exact thing. He does the things HE wants to do to be able to show that he is trying.

But I've pointed out again and again that these don't do it for me. I've been so specific about my needs but he just can't do those things. But he'll clean and run errands and hang out with the kids instead.

I'd just be so pissed if I were you. You want him to get his ass home so you don't have to worry where he is or if he'll be home for when you leave for work. You want him home so you can just get some sleep. But he can't give you that.

This burns me up every time.

stillprettyupset posted 11/18/2013 05:53 AM

In no way trying to defend an adulterer, but it's possible he doesn't understand what he needs to do for you so he's trying what he thinks will demonstrate care. I was a terrible communicator (and probably still am) so I did things for my wife to show affection. Turns out that wasn't recognized as a display of caring. My thinking went: I do the dishes, sweep the floor, and run laundry so she will appreciate what a catch I am...give her free time to do what she enjoys...and she will leap into my arms in a flurry of passionate emotion. That I didn't have to talk about "feelings" was just gravy! So, in reality she said "thank you" then used her newfound free time to text her AP. Awesome.
The point being, men aren't trained during adolescence to understand what you need to feel loved, cared for, appreciated, or how to console grief and apologize. We will move a mountain with a spoon but never consider that what you really needed was a hug.
He might be trying.

ladies_first posted 11/18/2013 07:09 AM

WH is not really speaking to me...but he's changing the oil in my car right now...he did the laundry yesterday and dug up some bushes that I'd asked him to do for a year now
These are all "Acts of Service," which are nice ... unless your M has imploded. Yet one more instance of "Looking for love in all the wrong places."

He's doing the only thing he knows how to do, because he's never been taught how to do any differently.

Thank him for digging up the bushes after a year and hand him a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald (98 pages long). Tell him when he is done with his "thinking and processing" the two of you need to talk about your M.

cancuncrushed posted 11/18/2013 14:11 PM

I needed this. I was wondering what all this cleaning and cooking meant. I have read the book 5 love languages. And I do believe his love language is to do things. Mine is not. ANd also his mom was OCD clean freak. I hadnt really compared it to him making himself feel better. What really irks me in the end, is he makes a huge production of it. " I DID THE LAUNDRY" CAN YOU SAY THANK YOU? pisses me off. And we fought for 3 months, because he was ruining my nice clothes. Now I hide my dirty laundry. And my reply is "but you didnt put it away". This doesnt help me in any way. Thanks for input. Iwas puzzled/.

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