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Well its been about a month since I filed for divorce from WH. I am living with my Dad and to be honest things are hard.. There are days I am fine and then there are days when I am completely overwhelmed. I went from feeling like an adult to a child, having a home to having nothing. My whole world has tipped over on its head and no matter what I do I can not shake these crazy feelings of pure panic. For over 5 years I was a devoted wife. I sacrificed my own goals for his and in the end I have nothing to show for my work. I need a job but my skill level is limited to retail management. I could so do that but the hours are crazy and I have a small child at home. Waiting on my attorney to get me some type of support from WH but I have no clue how long that will take. Until then I am living off my Dad and a small amount of money from WH. There is so much I need to do and yet I feel stuck at the starting line. I feel like he cheated on me twice!! He gets to keep living his normal life style while his child and I are pinching penny's and sharing a bed room. It is just not fair.. ALL I keep thinking about is how easy things must be for him now.

You are so very early into this - you're still in shock and wondering where the F the man you loved/married went.

Please don't try to rush it. You are going to feel this way for some time. For me it was several months and that was even though I had started detaching from him months earlier on DD.

There's definitely an adjustment/acceptance period - I won't lie, that was the hardest part of this whole road for me. Acceptance. Letting go of what I thought my life would be and looking towards a scary, unknown future.

What I realised is that I was never going to have that life with that guy in that M. Never. I still need to mourn it though.

My mantra is THIS isn't forever - no matter what hard stuff I am going through I remind myself that it won't last forever.

Wanting justice is completely normal - I remember feeling that this whole thing was so fucking unfair I wanted to (and did) scream. These days I have my justice - he lost me. Whether he realises it or not is irrelevant. I know my value and I know what he lost.

In amongst all of the losses I also shine a light on all of the things I have gained. I am no longer being cheated on. I am no longer being emotionally abused. I've been in pain for 5 years. DD was 18m ago. THIS pain is useful and time and hard work will bring me healing. THAT old pain would have continued indefinitely - as long as I stayed in that M I would have that pain.

Your job right now is to just get through this next minute, this next hour, this next day. Do that for a few months and you'll notice it starts becoming easier.

NC is key here. Zero contact. Only absolutely essential things. I know you want justice and answers but you will find neither in talking to that guy. Pour your energy into your DD - mourn what you need to mourn but no more energy in his direction.

Keep reading, keep posting. Please know you are not alone. Not by a long shot.

When I was where you are I didn't believe them when they said it wouldn't always feel this way. I was wrong - they were right. It won't always feel this way.

((changeofheart))