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query posted 11/17/2013 21:30 PM

My friend, who lost a child and is working to recover from an affair by her husband, contacted her. His wife responded and asked for more details. I think the fact that she was herself a betrayed wife helped. I had agreed that she could tell her who I was and that I would answer questions through my friend if she had any. It turns out that this has been a pattern with this man, which is what I suspected once I was able to get away from him, back to my family, and begin to get help and support for the loss of my twin. She told my friend that he had an affair four years ago with another young woman who was part of his research team. This young woman had been a refugee from another country and had no family at all. It seems that this man seeks out weaknesses he can exploit. His wife told my friend that she didn't have any questions because she knows what he is, that she is only remaining for financial reasons and to preserve the family for her now adult children and grandchildren. She told her to tell me that she bears me no ill will and is impressed that I told her. She told her to tell me to stay as far away from him as I could. I'm already doing that. She said that at her point in life she was unwilling to destroy her family, financial & social position and so on so that she was remaining in he marriage but that it was a marriage in name only as far as she was concerned. Now I truly feel I can put this behind me. I felt I had colluded in a very wrong act, and I had to be honest with the person most harmed, his wife. I continue with my parents to struggle with our loss. I may tell them some day, I may not, but now I no longer have to worry about her taking revenge on me. She said she felt sorry for me. I don't like to be the recipient of pity. I did ultimately choose to cross the line. That belongs to me. My friend from my grief group as meant the world to me and I don't know what I would've done without her. She lost her child to a murder, I lost my twin to a drunk driver. I'm just glad to be away from him, back in my home city and doing work that I truly love and think is meaningful.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 11/17/2013 21:41 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss.

As far as the OM's BS goes, you did the right thing and I think she's doing what she believes is right for her family.

iwillNOT posted 11/17/2013 21:54 PM

I have read your posts and am so impressed that in the midst of your own grief and upheaval,you found a way to do the right thing.

As an outsider, I hope you won't think this is out of line to say, but - if your twin was anything like the kind of person your posts and actions reveal you to be, then I'll bet they'd be proud of you.

Every human being has made bad choices. Not everyone does the right thing, afterwards.

Strength and peace to you.

20WrongsVs1 posted 11/18/2013 10:21 AM


Thanks for the update. That POS xAP of yours doesn't deserve his W. Didn't he complain that they had a sexless M or some BS? Yeah, no friggin wonder, a-hole.

You recognize that you weren't a victim, you were a willing participant, and good on you for that. You've done all you can, by informing the BW. And this isn't on you...but how many vulnerable women is this prick going to lure in? Ugh. Maybe someday, someone will go Girl with the Dragon Tattoo on his ass.

You'll know when then time is right, if ever, to tell your parents. Y'all have so much on your plate right now, and with the holidays coming up, I just want to say, God bless y'all.

query posted 11/18/2013 16:36 PM

I really think he is a predator. I encountered him when i was absolutely at the very worst, darkest, most despairing place I have ever been. I truthfully don't even remember big blocks of time from that period. I do wonder why his wife stays with him but that's none of my business. I know nothing about her, never even saw a picture of her. He wasn't one to promote his married status. Thanks for everyone's thoughts. I know everyone didn't agree with my getting the information to her, but in the end I felt it was the right thing to do and I had to do it. He has left me alone since I moved so hopefully it is all finally over.

Dreamland posted 11/19/2013 05:58 AM

It is sad that you chose to grieve your twins death in the arms of another woman's husband and I am sorry for your loss just not how your actions. So nothing was really accomplished here but hurting that poor woman and you trying to show yourself as faultless. Unfortunately you bear 50% of the responsibility and though you had a traumatic experience it doesn't give you free pass. I hope you can move on and learn why you did what you did.. Many people have life changing events and keep their morals intact. So far I see you just playing the victim and not admitting your choice. You could have been strong enough to walk away.
Good luck

20WrongsVs1 posted 11/19/2013 12:10 PM

So nothing was really accomplished here but hurting that poor woman and you trying to show yourself as faultless.

Dreamland, your response seems to be at odds with the facts presented in the post. The OBS was not hurt. She was impressed with query's bravery in coming forward and confessing, at her own peril. You've made it very clear that you wish you didn't know about your WH's A, Dreamland, but the OBS in this sitch seems (relatively) glad to know. query is clearly stating that she was to blame for her actions, and I don't see her painting herself as a victim at all.

Many people have life changing events and keep their morals intact.

OK...what's your point? That query made immoral choices? Yep, she did, and she admits it, is sorry for it, is actively working to repair her damage, and has done her best to make amends. What is the point of calling her morals into question now? The OBS forgave query. Who among us has a right to continue throwing stones, when the OBS bears her no ill will?

JustDesserts posted 11/19/2013 12:21 PM

@dreamland: your comments are beyond harsh and judgemental. More like gratuitous and mean spirited. What gives? If this thread resonates so intensely with you perhaps exploring why might be in order.

Query...keep sharing, healing, growing, and trying to become the you which YOU, and those you love, deserve.


wifehad5 posted 11/19/2013 14:27 PM

The Moderators have dealt with Dreamland. Please continue to offer your support for query

StillLivin posted 11/19/2013 14:58 PM

I only WISH that you were my STBXH AP. It's taken me a long time to forgive her (truth be told, I'm not quite there yet) as she has not even shred one miliseconds worth of shame or regret.
Everybody makes mistakes. It's how you go about rectifying that sets you apart.

Girlietoo posted 11/19/2013 20:23 PM

Same ^ while I didn't agree that contacting OBS was the way to go, I think you did if for the right reasons. I don't think you were/are playing the victim role at all. I think you made a mistake that you are deeply sorry for and you have done your best to make amends.

Good for you, blessings on your journey.

query posted 11/22/2013 00:07 AM

In my situation, I think it helped that my friend who told her was herself a betrayed wife who is working to repair her marriage. While my friend didn't push me to tell, she also didn't hide the fact that she thought it was the right thing to do. That is why she volunteered to do it. She warned me that his wife might lash out at me and that she would do her best to moderate it if it came to that. As it happened, it didn't. The wife already knew what sort of man she is married to and has decided to remain in the marriage for her own reasons. She wasn't surprised at what he had done, she got enough facts to know it was true, and that was all she needed from me. Beyond what she told my friend, I don't know anything about why she stays, etc.

I actually think it was therapeutic for my friend as well. She and her husband are working very hard to heal their marriage. I think she felt like she had some control, was able to be proactive, in helping someone else in the way she thought was best (telling another betrayed spouse). I am very grateful to have her friendship and she says she is grateful to have mine. Meeting as we did in our grief support group helped us both be less judgmental and more forgiving, she of her husband and me of myself. She says it has helped her on her path to forgiving her husband. She has come to know and care about me as a friend. We have shared our grief. She can see that even though I had an affair with a married man, I'm not an evil person and that act doesn't define me. Likewise, the fact that her husband had an affair, sadly not uncommon in the wake of the loss of a child, doesn't define him in his entirety. Like me, he is very remorseful and he wants nothing more than to restore their marriage. I think they will make it, though it's too early to tell.

painfulpast posted 11/22/2013 15:42 PM

VERY gently and non-judgmentally, do you feel that having another person call, and actually be willing to 'moderate' if the BS began lashing out, was a form of not facing the reality of your actions, so to speak? By not actually speaking to BS, you didn't have to hear any pain, or confusion, or even questions. I realize you feel your friend was helped in some way by doing this, but did you have other motives, and if so, are those feelings you believe you also need to deal with?

I ask strictly out of wanting to learn and NOT out of any place of judgment. I apologize if this question is offensive, and I promise, it is absolutely not meant to be.

Thank you.

BaxtersBFF posted 11/23/2013 08:30 AM

I'm not speaking for query, and few of us really know what it would be like to lose not just a sibling, but a twin. Those ties run deep from what I understand.

I just want to chime in with this thought. People can only handle so much. You hit a wall sometimes, and you make choices based on what is going on in your life at that time and based on the experiences you've had up to that moment. Choosing to have an A is an awful thing to do. We all get that. But given the loss of a twin, and probably other unidentified issues which may be part of the equation, query chose to have an A.

Now, part of getting out of this hole that has been dug is taking each item and dealing with it to the best of your ability. In this case, query stepped up and made contact, even if the friend was the buffer. I wouldn't expect query to be able to handle direct contact at this point, so she did the next best thing and had a sympathetic friend help.

The why? Probably not going to be found out until more work is done to process the grief of having lost a twin.

Query, I think you did good. Sorry for your loss, and sending mojo that you can keep on some solid ground.

query posted 11/23/2013 18:11 PM

What I meant by lashing out was doing things to harm my career, contacting my parents (even though I am an adult) etc. I read these boards for a few months before I posted which was at the advice of my friend and I read about others doing these things to get revenge. I was particularly worried about my parents. My friend who is herself struggling to recover from her husband's affair suggested she be the go between. She offered because she felt the wife should be told and because she thought it might be better coming from another betrayed spouse.

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