As far as the OM's BS goes, you did the right thing and I think she's doing what she believes is right for her family.
As an outsider, I hope you won't think this is out of line to say, but - if your twin was anything like the kind of person your posts and actions reveal you to be, then I'll bet they'd be proud of you.
Every human being has made bad choices. Not everyone does the right thing, afterwards.
Strength and peace to you.
Thanks for the update. That POS xAP of yours doesn't deserve his W. Didn't he complain that they had a sexless M or some BS? Yeah, no friggin wonder, a-hole.
You recognize that you weren't a victim, you were a willing participant, and good on you for that. You've done all you can, by informing the BW. And this isn't on you...but how many vulnerable women is this prick going to lure in? Ugh. Maybe someday, someone will go Girl with the Dragon Tattoo on his ass.
You'll know when then time is right, if ever, to tell your parents. Y'all have so much on your plate right now, and with the holidays coming up, I just want to say, God bless y'all.
So nothing was really accomplished here but hurting that poor woman and you trying to show yourself as faultless.
Dreamland, your response seems to be at odds with the facts presented in the post. The OBS was not hurt. She was impressed with query's bravery in coming forward and confessing, at her own peril. You've made it very clear that you wish you didn't know about your WH's A, Dreamland, but the OBS in this sitch seems (relatively) glad to know. query is clearly stating that she was to blame for her actions, and I don't see her painting herself as a victim at all.
Many people have life changing events and keep their morals intact.
OK...what's your point? That query made immoral choices? Yep, she did, and she admits it, is sorry for it, is actively working to repair her damage, and has done her best to make amends. What is the point of calling her morals into question now? The OBS forgave query. Who among us has a right to continue throwing stones, when the OBS bears her no ill will?
Query...keep sharing, healing, growing, and trying to become the you which YOU, and those you love, deserve.
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
Good for you, blessings on your journey.
I actually think it was therapeutic for my friend as well. She and her husband are working very hard to heal their marriage. I think she felt like she had some control, was able to be proactive, in helping someone else in the way she thought was best (telling another betrayed spouse). I am very grateful to have her friendship and she says she is grateful to have mine. Meeting as we did in our grief support group helped us both be less judgmental and more forgiving, she of her husband and me of myself. She says it has helped her on her path to forgiving her husband. She has come to know and care about me as a friend. We have shared our grief. She can see that even though I had an affair with a married man, I'm not an evil person and that act doesn't define me. Likewise, the fact that her husband had an affair, sadly not uncommon in the wake of the loss of a child, doesn't define him in his entirety. Like me, he is very remorseful and he wants nothing more than to restore their marriage. I think they will make it, though it's too early to tell.
I ask strictly out of wanting to learn and NOT out of any place of judgment. I apologize if this question is offensive, and I promise, it is absolutely not meant to be.
I just want to chime in with this thought. People can only handle so much. You hit a wall sometimes, and you make choices based on what is going on in your life at that time and based on the experiences you've had up to that moment. Choosing to have an A is an awful thing to do. We all get that. But given the loss of a twin, and probably other unidentified issues which may be part of the equation, query chose to have an A.
Now, part of getting out of this hole that has been dug is taking each item and dealing with it to the best of your ability. In this case, query stepped up and made contact, even if the friend was the buffer. I wouldn't expect query to be able to handle direct contact at this point, so she did the next best thing and had a sympathetic friend help.
The why? Probably not going to be found out until more work is done to process the grief of having lost a twin.
Query, I think you did good. Sorry for your loss, and sending mojo that you can keep on some solid ground.