Thank you all so much. You all have great advice. And it helps to hear how this happened to other people. How it’s possible to be treated poorly and let it happen for a while with our realizing it. I’m sad it’s that way but hearing other perspectives is great, and easy to hear from people who aren’t involved in my day to day life.
His judgment started the instant we were married. He was complaining that I wasn’t making good enough meals and keeping the apartment just right. (He is a German neat freak). No amount of me explaining led him to understand that I was - in a foreign country, not speaking the language at all, having zero friends and having a new born and my dog. I would tell him that I sometimes made mistakes buying ingredients if I didn’t understand the label or went by the picture only. He never understood, He always said that if it were him, he could do it. That is how he feels about anything I don’t do well or struggle with. Deep down,he thinks he can do better.
Our MC got us to the point one day where I got him to admit that for all of our marriage he thought he was better than me. He admitted it. Lately he’s been backing off from that, maybe only in what he says, because his actions don’t show it.
His has just a ton of FOO issues. Just some highlights:
- Incredibly selfish mom - he admits this and talks about it a lot
- Emotional neglect growing up
- Parents were swingers and stayed in a loveless marriage from when he was a kid until he was 18, they switched off partners without hiding it from the kids
- Uninvolved dad with anger problems and explosive/physical outbursts
- 1 brother that he was never ever close to and they literally beat each other up
- Family so non confrontational that you can be calm and clear as day, but if what you are saying is uncomfortable, they will actually act like you didn’t speak, or just cry and end the conversation
So it’s been an uphill battle and I feel like I’ve had the patience of a saint and I’ve spent years teaching him about empathy. He admits it was never taught to him and he admits he just doesn’t know how to have it.
Blech, I think I just typed-vomited. I must have a ton of resentment. It’s raining outside but maybe I should get out for a run. All this processing is busting my chops.