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Dawn58 posted 11/18/2013 04:17 AM

Hi all,

I found this online and it was really helpful to me to read it and thought it might help some of you. While what he advocates to do may not be true in every situation, I needed to read that the affair was not my fault.

"Cheaters Cheat... end of story.
When your man cheats, it feels like your entire universe crumbles around you. Most women dealing with a cheating husband or boyfriend start thinking of ways to fix the situation. We wonder what we've done to drive him to the arms of another woman. We struggle to think of ways to bring him back.
STOP!
Cheaters cheat. That's it. Cheating is not about boredom or dissatisfaction. Cheating is the result of a character flaw that allows men or women to rationalize cheating and breaking vows. Affairs are not normal, healthy reactions to uncommon relationship struggles. Rather, they are unhealthy reactions to the trials and tribulations common to most relationships from time to time.
Don't torture or embarrass yourself making the same mistakes millions of women make when they know their man is cheating. Save your self-respect, dignity, and time by cutting your losses and freeing yourself for a better relationship with a more functional man.
The other woman:
Yeah, she's got to be pure evil to steal another woman's man, but that's really not the point. She's not the one who committed to you, who promised to to be true to you, and then cheated on you. Even more importantly, if it wasn't her it would be someone else.
People cheat because they are cheaters. When a man cheats it's not because he was innocently seduced by another woman's wicked charms. It's not because she offered something you didn't. It's not because she's better than you. Cheaters cheat. They don't need temptation to have an affair.
Let go of your anger towards the other woman. It's misguided. Focus instead on the fact that the partner you were in a relationship with violated his commitment to monogomy. If it wasn't her, he'd have found someone else. Even if she leaves the picture, there are millions of women in the world for him to cheat with.
If he has cheated on you, it's time to move on. Cheaters cheat... and cheat... and cheat.
You didn't drive him to cheat. If your man is cheating, it's not a reflection of your worth, but an indication that he is incapable of handling the responsibility of maintaining a relationship. He is lacking mature adult coping skills. The problem is his, NOT YOURS.
Because you didn't cause your man to cheat, you can't stop it either. There is nothing you can change in yourself to make a cheater be loyal. Stop thinking that if you were thinner, prettier, wilder in bed, or more exciting he would be faithful. If your man is cheating, he's not thinking about you one way or another.

Nailinmyforehead posted 11/18/2013 04:47 AM

Seems to be a sad "one size fits all" article. I understand about the focus away from the betrayed. Do you believe that people can change? Not only from "cheating", but possibly other negative character flaws? I do. I have seen it. Not only in my own situation, but also with certain negative things with myself having nothing to do with fidelity. I believe people can change- if they want to badly enough.

karmahappens posted 11/18/2013 05:01 AM

Wow

I think this article is so off based for someone who may want to consider R with a WS that gets it.

People cheat, men, women.

Is a cheater going to always be a cheater? No, depends on the person, their issues, the help and healing they get and how much thay want to change.

One thing is true...it isn't about you, the betrayed spouse. You have nothing to do with their decision, let them take full responsibility for it.

If you are new and just starting this roller coaster you will learn there are many opinions and ideas regarding the whys and what will be's of a cheater.

Give yourself time and let your story unfold. Don't worry about what someone else thinks or says, your feelings, your life, your relationship.Listen to your gut. take the advice that fits and leave the rest.

What you need to do is be good to you.

BrighterFuture posted 11/18/2013 10:00 AM

I agree that cheaters cheat and if it wasn't her it would have been someone else especially for long term affairs. The focus should be on WS not the OW unless she is someone you knew then I could understand feelinf betrayed by her. I also agree that people can change, but they have to be remorseful and do the work by themselves. It is not the BS job to look for ways to fix things.

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 10:06 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

Kierst13 posted 11/18/2013 10:04 AM

Is a cheater going to always be a cheater? No, depends on the person, their issues, the help and healing they get and how much thay want to change.

I respectfully disagree. A cheater is always a cheater, just as an alcoholic is always an alcoholic. It does not mean they will drink or cheat again, but they will always be in recovery as to not slip into old behaviors.

MakingLemonade posted 11/18/2013 10:27 AM

An acquaintance has a saying he uses incessantly: "Liars lie, cheaters cheat, and thieves steal...short of an epiphany."

Dawn58, even though there was not a qualifying statement in what you shared (though you yourself did qualify it), we BSs do need to be reminded, it is not our fault and we are not responsible for our WS cheating. Thank you for the reminder!

Bikingguy posted 11/18/2013 10:49 AM

Comment on a BS trying to better themselves. I have been trying to improve myself since D day. Eating better, working out more, reading a lot of self help books, trying to commincat more, express what I am feeling. But this has nothing to do with trying to win WW back. This has everything with me wanting to be HAPPY.

Pippy posted 11/18/2013 10:59 AM

There were issues between us that I now admit we both were responsible for. I was afraid to bring up issues for fear he would D me some day. He was not the kind to have intimate discussions and it built up but I never realized how much until D-Day. We both contributed to our demise.

But he CHOSE to cheat. I had no input in that. That was his way of getting out of our marriage.

We were M 30 years, and 3 weeks after D-Day, he moved in with the OW and has lived with her for 9 years now. I doubt he would cheat on her. He's the kind who would stay rather than go through this again. Leaving her would unvalidate our D and all the pain he has caused our family.

Whatdoido333 posted 11/18/2013 11:14 AM

I agree with this to a degree. Cheaters cheat and they may be able to change with hard work. It is not the BSs fault. But, If the AP knows the WS is married, they are partially at fault. In my case, the OW knows me, knows I know about her and my WH and she still continues to call him. And she hates me because I made too much of their affair. People are crazy..

HurtButHopeful? posted 11/18/2013 14:18 PM

I'd say the article is accurate for serial cheaters.

But for others:

Sometimes an A is a "perfect storm" that comes only once. After the storm, the cheater realizes what he/she has done, and they spend the rest of their life making sure they have their radar on, so they can see the clouds swirling around in advance, and go around the storm so as not to get caught up in it.

jjsr posted 11/18/2013 20:42 PM

I think this is a one size fits all article. I think there is a big difference between someone who does this once and someone who continues to do this over and over again.

JustWow posted 11/18/2013 20:59 PM

Maybe... a cheater, one who never examines themself, one who rugsweeps, minimizes justifies and blame-shifts, will remain a cheater. Why would they not?

So maybe what the original post was saying was a little too one-size-fits-all. Or maybe it is a heads up to as BS to take note if their cheater is wallowing in their status, or working like crazy to transform themself.

Deanna posted 11/19/2013 00:02 AM

"Sometimes an A is a "perfect storm" that comes only once. After the storm, the cheater realizes what he/she has done, and they spend the rest of their life making sure they have their radar on, so they can see the clouds swirling around in advance, and go around the storm so as not to get caught up in it."

This is my opinion. Some people are serial cheaters but some are not!

crazynot posted 11/19/2013 00:23 AM

I think that in general I DO agree with this article. Because I know that NOTHING could make me cheat. I just couldn't do it. If my relationship was wrong, if I stopped 'feeling it' with my partner, I'd talk about it and possibly end the relationship. But cheating takes a particular sort of person and I think it often starts with the way they are brought up. My ex is a kind, loving and sometimes honourable person whose way through relationship difficulties is to cheat. He only ends a relationship when he's got a safe bridge out of it. Being married to him for most of my adult life, while it gave me my wonderful children, damaged me and held me back. I am grateful above anything that he couldn't manage 'R'. I know beyond anything that I will never be involved with a cheat again.

PRNDL posted 1/17/2014 06:40 AM

I agree with the original post. In my case, my wife kept cheating and cheating. Even through false R. It showed me what she really was. Anyone that can keep on betraying for a year and s half has no soul.

hopefullromantic posted 1/17/2014 10:24 AM

Cheaters do cheat and liars do lie, etc, but I'm not sure that someone who cheats once is forever a cheater any more than I believe someone who lies once is forever a liar.

If it is true then I would guess that 100% of us are liars.

numb&dumb posted 1/17/2014 12:59 PM

The gender assumptions alone are enough for me to completely disregard this article.

peoplepleaser posted 1/17/2014 16:38 PM

Amen. And gender doesn't matter. Cheaters cheat. I have all the information I need to know I deserve better. Cheaters cheat.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 1/17/2014 23:02 PM

First, understand whether we like to hear it or not, when a bs posts cheaters always being cheaters this a truth for them at the moment. Its a way to accept the agony of the vicious emotions. Time is a nice way to grow into a different opinion if you so choose, but a bs who is relatively new post dday needs the certainty of a black and white world.

Second, while its great to say people can change, it is also very smart to be realistic. Most people find change very hard. There are even other sites and programs run by waywards who purport to help save marriages that will openly discuss "relapse"...like the a.a. Credo, we are not perfect and our journey may include moments of weakness. Are they trying to change, yes, do they relapse yes! So dont get all cupcakes and butterflies here, there's a lot of denial and deep seeded issues in cheaters. Changing and never doing it again is damned difficult and to minimize that is every bit as being black and white as assuming every single cheater will always cheat again.

Finally, the cheater is always a cheat thinking isnt just based on the pure infidelity. If betrayal is complex so is the concept that a cheater is more than the sum of the physical act. People view you differently, think of you differently, and your world is changed by your actions. Like it or not, long term people view you differently. My ex lost friends, family has pulled away, and she is looked down upon by people who simply thought she was one thing but turned out to be another. If you cheat you are someone who couldnt keep the most solid trust in your life. People consider that, and they do judge.

PRNDL posted 1/18/2014 02:16 AM

I like the original post!

After what my wife did to me and how she went about it, I have no mercy on any cheater.

Thank you for the post.

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