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Wants visit 1 kid not the other. Omg horrible

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Helen of Troy posted 11/18/2013 07:46 AM

X wants visit with one kid 16yog and not the younger one 12yog during holiday break. This is one of the most horrible things ever for my kid.
He says she "isn't acting right" therefore he doesn't want to visit her. I suspect it is also a dig to me for "not acting right" meaning to punish me by not allowing me a break from parenting. He canceled on both this month too for his one weekend a month. What a shitty father! not to mention shitty low morals self absorbed person he married. Who says that to a kid.
What can I do about this?

MovingUpward posted 11/18/2013 08:36 AM

I think that you need to handle this with the best interest of the kids. You will have to put the "allowing me a break" not to come out in any discussions. I would start by putting my foot down with your X that he can choose one of the following options.

1. Take them both
2. Leave them both
or if you are generous
3. Take each kid at different times for the same amount of time.

All three option guarantee that each kid is treated the same.

If the relationship is already shattered with the younger kid and your X then I think that insisting he invite both kids and allowing each kid to decide would allow your kids to each choose.

For to not invite the younger kid "isn't acting right" and kids learn by example.

Depending on how he responds will determine the next steps.

Helen of Troy posted 11/18/2013 08:40 AM

Brilliant, thank you so much.
If he takes one at a time I plan to get something in writing with his signature to prevent the story from spinning into "she wouldn't let me have the other one".

MovingUpward posted 11/18/2013 08:51 AM

I would communicate all of this via email so that you have a record.

GabyBaby posted 11/18/2013 08:59 AM

3. Take each kid at different times for the same amount of time.
I hesitate over this option, especially if he takes your 16yo first.
He won't bother coming back for time with your 12yo since he'll have already spent time with the "favorite".

GabyBaby posted 11/18/2013 08:59 AM

Oh and your ex is a total ass and a "great" father.

Holly-Isis posted 11/18/2013 09:38 AM

Be there for the kid. Get 12yoDD into IC. It hurts to be rejected by a parent and she needs to understand that it's him, not her.

My mom asked for custody of my brother and sister and not me. The courts decided not to split us up, but I eventually moved in with my dad. You can imagine how living with someone who didn't want me felt.

What helped was my dad and stepmom letting me express anger. I didn't know I was allowed to be angry at a parent. What I didn't have was someone to talk about my grief and how I felt like there was something wrong with me. After all, all mommies love their kids unless there's something wrong with the kid, right.

For your DD, it's a tender age and her daddy should be showing her how a man is supposed to treat her. How she can be loved unconditionally. Instead he's rejecting her. So I do think IC...a really GOOD IC...is in order. Also, maybe an uncle or grandfather can stand in and be what their father can't. For your older DD too. She's seeing an example of a man who withdraws because the person he's supposed to love doesn't "act right". They both need to know- deep in their core KNOW- that is a flaw in him, not them. That they can expect more from any man they love.

Helen of Troy posted 11/18/2013 09:39 AM

Yes total selfish asshole who doesn't care about hurting his own children's self esteem.
Yes contact is by email only per law.
He is now on a tirade about me having "psychosis" and dangerous. (but apparently sane enough to raise his kids so he doesn't have to) and now saying I have made a rivalry with OW. WTF hello this woman writes me horrible emails that I have not yet once responded to, has tried to call me until her # blocked. He is delusional and drama addicted.

Pass posted 11/18/2013 10:46 AM

Oh my god, what an arsehole! I'm so sorry you and your kids have to go through this.

StillLivin posted 11/18/2013 13:18 PM

At this point, you may want to consider full custody with specific visitation. He sounds like he wouldn't care anyway

k8la posted 11/18/2013 20:16 PM

I would flat out tell him he's nuts. He can pay through the nose for therapy for the 12 year old and give up visitation of either child before I'd let him play favorites with any willing consent on my part, if I were in your place.

And I'd go to every length possible to protect 12 yr old from this beast.

It's time you talked with a counselor for her needs - how to help her.

Helen of Troy posted 11/19/2013 07:47 AM

Thanks but both are and have been in therapy.
According to him and Ow/NW this is because I am "psychotic".

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