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Triggers during sex - wayward having problems?

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heartbroken2012 posted 11/18/2013 08:30 AM

Triggers during sex. I have them. A lot of times I cry after sex. I dont let my WH see. Well I am trying to be more vocal about the triggers during sex, but I think what is holding me back is that I was afraid if I told him, he wouldnt want to have sex.

Well for a while now, after we have sex I ask how it was (since Im so self concious since the A), and when asked Ive told him that I had bad thoughts (AKA triggers) during sex. Well Ive been telling him for a couple of weeks.

Well this weekend we had sex and it wasnt the best ever. We finally had a discussion about it, because Ive been complaining to him that I feel like he NEVER wants sex, and I worry he isnt sexaully attracted to me anymore or doesnt have a need sexually for me.

We talked and he said that he is having issues having sex and having the urge to because he knows that I have triggers and worry about if he did that position with the OW, what noises he made, what did she do etc etc. So he said now he thinks about that, and thinks that I am going to be triggering the whole time, and I guess it worries him or distracts him...he just doesnt want me thinking that.

And he says me thinking about those things are effecting our sex life. I told him I do...not every time but most time do trigger. He told me that he does want me sexually but remembers how our sex life used to be (pre A) and how I would totally give myself to him, and he says he can feel/tell that I am not giving myself totally to him. I told him...well after that happened he has to know that I am going to be guarded.

So we agreed to work on this issue we are having together, but honestly I dont know how to fix this?

Any advice?

DefeatedDad posted 11/18/2013 08:41 AM

No advice.

I so feel for you because I am going through the same thing with my fWW. Sometimes when I have sex with her I feel like I am looking down at her through the OM's eyes.

Somehow I manage to keep going and seal the deal, but afterwards I sulk and just go off by myself. It sucks. Sex should be the one thing that bonds partners together. But for me, doing all those things with her that she would never have done with me before her affiar is really just me reclaiming territory-- territory my WW gave willingly to another man.

The only advice I have is to push through it. Take back what the other woman took from you. Rock his world and reclaim the mountaintop.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

confused615 posted 11/18/2013 08:49 AM

When he starts digging into his issues..when he digs deep..when he finds real will start to feel more safe with him,and you will allow yourself to be vulnerable to him again.

heartbroken2012 posted 11/18/2013 09:28 AM

Ugh...not sure if he is going to dig deeper. No MC, no IC, and he hasnt told me he is digging deeper...

I was hoping that maybe his inability or lack of urge because he sees how much pain Im in was a glimmer of remorse.

TrulySad posted 11/18/2013 10:02 AM

I can relate to DefeatedDad when he says he feels like sometimes he's looking down at his wife through the OM's eyes. I've found myself doing that too. It's hard because when we do that, we are subconsiously training ourselves to place the other person into any intimate situation we have with our partner.

I know I need to stop it, but not so easy to do.

It sounds like you have insecurities about yourself, when it comes to sex with your WH now. And it's no wonder! Given what they've done. The reality is though, it had nothing to do with how we were in bed. Nor how we look.

I learned to get past the insecurities by turning things around. Why in the hell do us B's think we aren't good enough??? And why are WE the one's insecure now? What you have to realize is YOU are the best your WH will ever have. Just by not having lowered yourself to status of "Whore", like the OW did, makes you far more desireable. And as far as how you perform...ummm, lose yourself in the act, and make him worry if he's pleasing YOU enough. He needs to be one with the concern now.

Your WH should be worried about how he's satisfying you. Not the other way around. I remember a few times my WBF said to me, after I couldn't get in the mood and ended up crying... he said how I was who he wanted, who he desired... and then he hit idiot status when he said he knew I wish I could be more like the one's in his past, younger, ect, but that I was perfect the way I am... I almost choked on his stupidity. Kinda wanted to hit him. I made damn sure he knew... I love who I am. I love my body. I love sex. And my insecurities and lack of sexual drive have to do with how I feel about his actions and him, NOT about how I feel about me and sex. If I was with a new man, I'd probably be all about it, and this bag of shit would be gone.

You asked for some advice . I'd start by turning things around. Have sex for YOU. Don't think for a second about what he's feeling during it. Don't think about how you look and don't think about if you're doing it better than the OW. You know your WH sexually, far better. Trust me on this one. And when it comes to inhibitions, let them go. All you should be doing is getting lost in feeling it for you.

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