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Newest Member: harleyhugs (45741)

User Topic: Random thoughts: sorry for length
Snapcap
♂ 41355
Member # 41355
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick recap: just a few days out from DD. Conversations with WW very productive. Had moments when R seems possible. I start to feel "good" and think of how I can be a better H to my WW to help R.

But then...
My main coping mechanism has been to keep myself in control. The more control I have over myself, my emotions, my responses, the better I feel. At least for now. I wonder if/when the rage, the pain, the emotions will all come exploding out in a way that I'll make the mistake, that I'll ruin chances of R, that I'll do something truly wrong. I'm scared, more scared than I've ever been in my life.

I'm also the codependent in the relationship. I know that, she knows that. My WW has been showing/doing all the "right" things. Both my heart and head so far have no red flags. But I'm so scared that my codependence is putting me in a fog of denial. How will I ever trust my own heart/head? Never mind hers. Just when I feel almost happy and feel like life will go on, I feel like it's just my weakness letting it happen and that I shouldn't be happy, ever.

I blame myself. It was my fault I wasn't there for her. If I had just... I'm such a total fool, failure, weak person to feel this, I know. And I know it wasn't my fault. But knowing this doesn't mean I don't feel it.

How can I possibly want R as bad as I do? Why can't I be strong enough to just say "Go, get". How can I just think that it was all a mistake, that she'd never betray me again? (It wasn't, it was >5 yrs). How can I let a couple days of good responses make me think that she's changed? She's still the same person who destroyed me, destroyed everything I've cared about.

Yet I love her. Why? Why am I so weak? How do I get strong? If I don't try for R, I'll always feel weak for not trying. I'll feel that I didn't do the work to try and I'll hate myself forever. If I can't figure out how to be strong and trust myself, I'll hate myself forever.

Why do I love her but hate myself?



Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To address your last question first.
Why do I love her but hate myself?
You might hate yourself because you still love her. It can feel like a self-betrayal to still love someone who hurt you.

How can I possibly want R as bad as I do? Why can't I be strong enough to just say "Go, get". How can I just think that it was all a mistake, that she'd never betray me again?
You love her therefore you don't want to see the M just go away. Maybe she will never betray you again. Thinking this and viewing it as a mistake is likely a defense mechanism, something that makes it easier mentally to accept the idea of R.

I've been down the co-dependent road myself so I know where you're coming from.

Here are a few things you need to bear in mind.

You don't need to decide on R or D at this point. What your going through is a lot to absorb and process. Don't trust your own heart/head? Fine, then don't make any big decisions yet about the M.
You should focus on yourself first. Your own healing. Get into IC.
You need to accept that the state of the M may be 50/50 but the A was 100% her decision.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4101 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
annb
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snapcap, you are just a few days out from D-Day. You are still in shock, life as you knew it imploded.

Please stop worrying about what *you* will do, and concentrate on her actions, which will speak volumes.

I think in the beginning many of us take the blame for their actions, but your WW is a grown woman who made the choice to cheat. Period.

You can be proactive in finding ways to improve yourself/the marriage, but frankly, the burden of healing at this early date is all on her.

It will take YEARS for you to truly see the changes in her, not one or two days of her acting like the good wife. She has to do alot of deep digging and soul-searching. Is she in IC, a GOOD IC?

You are putting way too much pressure on yourself. It has only been days, healing from infidelity takes YEARS.

Have you read all the articles for newbies in this Just Found Out forum? Scroll down a page or two or three and find the threads with the target icon on the left-hand side.

Don't make any hasty decisions, give yourself time to process this destruction. You have just boarded this long and painful emotional roller coaster, buckle up because it is going to be a long ride of ups and downs.

I wonder if/when the rage, the pain, the emotions will all come exploding out in a way that I'll make the mistake, that I'll ruin chances of R, that I'll do something truly wrong.

^^The emotions will come, and you must let them out. You will NOT be doing anything wrong, I think most of us here experienced rage that we never, ever knew was inside of us.

Be kind to yourself in the meantime, focus on things you enjoy to remove yourself from these thoughts, even just for a bit of time daily.

((((Snapcap))))


Posts: 7632 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Dyokemm
♂ 40254
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My friend,

You need to get into IC ASAP to work on your co-dependency issues.

You will never be able to fix this if you don't.

I watched this happen with my maternal grandparents. Trying to better understand the path my grandfather (and family) took with this is why I started reading about and researching about infidelity in the first place.

I always knew my grandparents had a bitter and somewhat distant relationship.

A couple years ago it accidentally was revealed to me why in an argument that broke out between my mother and her sister over caring for my very depressed grandfather.

My aunt is not my grandfather's child. She was the product of one of my grandmother's affairs.

He always seemed bitter and distant, sometimes even cruel, towards her when I was a kid and I could never figure it out. Just chocked it up to his generally irascible nature.

When she passed he became very despondent, crying and always missing her. It really was the first time I saw real emotion about her from him.

Now I understand that what he did was rugsweep her affair in a desperate attempt to save the M, but her remained bitter about it. His reaction since her passing has shown me that he really was co-dependent on her the entire time.

It was a sad and bitter relationship for the rest of their lives together.

Get help. Don't follow this path OP.

It will eat you alive over the rest of the years of your life.


Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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