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rachelc posted 11/18/2013 09:56 AM

found out he went to a business after hours thing before he met me for a drink. he always told me about these things and if he was or wasn't going.The issue is because both OW work in this town in the business industry...
saw picture online of him there. He sometimes has to be there because of his job.
Why not tell me, especially after he came from there directly to meet me...?
He's either going to cheat or not cheat. Be open or not be open with me.
I have to accept the person he is.

[This message edited by rachelc at 9:57 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

rachelc posted 11/18/2013 10:46 AM

I'm sorry I'm posting again. I'm sitting here crying, realizing he's never going to be the person I need him to be.
He will never come to me with something uncomfortable, it has been proven again and again.
What the heck am I still doing here. And this isn't even a big thing...but its typical.

OldCow18 posted 11/18/2013 10:51 AM

realizing he's never going to be the person I need him to be.
He will never come to me with something uncomfortable, it has been proven again and again.
What the heck am I still doing here. And this isn't even a big thing...but its typical.

I so totally relate to this. And then when he does (rarely) come to me with something "uncomfortable" and it upsets me or results in questions or hell even just a conversation he immediately freaks out that "THIS" is why he doesn't tell me this stuff, then in the future if I find out something he didn't tell me he goes off about if he does tell me, I'll freak out and sites the 2 examples in 5 months as proof of that. So I will never know what he is and isn't telling me and I do not know how to reconcile with a person like that.

blakesteele posted 11/18/2013 10:56 AM


I am sorry for your pain...just today I inquired what my wifes schedule was to be.

Her relaying her schedule to me provides some comfort to me. Most times she remembers, sometimes she doesn't. It hurts when I send the text to her asking her if she has a "busy day"....but my alternative is to let it go and build resentment with these little things. I am not willing to do that so I do the uncomfortable thing of texting her. I do the same with my needs is not comfortable...particularly with my abandonment issues, because as I put myself out there she can decide to hurt me with them...particularly with sarcasm, but other ways too. But to NOT do so would put us back to our pre-A M....have leaned into too much pain for that to happen now.

Gently....the words "never" and "always" are really fast ways for me to throw flags on the field. I have felt this firm emotion many far, my feelings lied to me.

To be sure....I would view the "offense" to be much stronger if my wife failed to tell me about a time when her and her AP were in the same place compared to the schedule thing I mentioned above. So I really do think your situation is different then mine....but the "never" thing is still a flag to be examined.

The business, social thing is a real deal. I work in a business that has social gatherings as part of how we conduct ourselves. I suspect that unless you move out of the territory this will be an ongoing issue for you. Any way you can attend these functions with him? In my industry there are several men who come to these hospitality settings with their wives. I don't have any real help to offer you.

I will say a very real, very specific prayer for you right now.

God be with you both rachelc and Mr. rachelc. You will grow through this day....

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:56 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

rachelc posted 11/18/2013 11:01 AM

Any way you can attend these functions with him?

I could if I knew about them.

you're right - I should't use the word NEVER. Last month he told me about one and I didn't over-react just said, ok.

It's just that we tell each other about our days.. and he purposely didn't tell me he went there.

blakesteele posted 11/18/2013 11:07 AM

Many fWS are breaking free from a cycle of witholding....of avoiding addition to from the A itself.

The A itself was a very nice, albeit horribly destructive and incredibly temporary, relief from their reality. I suspect your husband is past his A...I say this as I follow your journey closely and read most all of your posts.

But this mode-of-living was most likely a part of your husband since his formative is for my wife.

So they naturally avoid doing anything that causes upset (call it people pleaser, emotion stuffer, independent person, etc.). Mr. rachelc HAS shared some painful things with he is trying.

It is not fair....but try and not react so strongly to really bad truths mr. rachelc express's to you. I actually practice reacting to really bad news from my wife in my head before it happens. I also pull from my immediate past....see how I reacted....observe the results....and change my inputs if what I did influenced an outcome that I do not feel is healthy for our marriage.

NOTICE: I did NOT say "comfortable to me"...I said healthy to our marriage. Is a strong reaction to a truth of the past the best for the future of our marriage? Certainly if our spouses decide to cheat again...righteous anger is to be employed, as well as the services of a trained D attorney....but until that happens we serve our marriages better by reacting in a subdued manner.

Here is the catch to subdued manner is still way outside my wifes comfort zone! We are not to suppress our own feelings to keep them in their comfort zones....they have to be willing to step up in similar fashion as we are trying to do.

When we fail we have to express grace and mercy if our M are to survive.

Can you go for a walk? Nature is good....has restorative powers just being in nature.

Post often today....

When life beats down on us and we get to the place where we want to hide in a cave, God often places people around us who prod us into moving in the right direction. He does not want us to remain in the place of discouragment. He wants us to move into the land of praise.

I am prodding you rachelc. You are a strong woman. You have more courage then you think you do right now. You have done the same for me in the past....and I have faith you will do it again in my future.

There is comfort in community.

God be with us all.

Jrazz posted 11/18/2013 11:11 AM

This would not sit well with me at all. I'm so sorry, sweetie.


forgivingnow posted 11/20/2013 08:47 AM

Is one of your requirements for R to know each others schedules? It is for me....I have told my husband I need to know where he is, whether traveling for work or here in town. I have too much anxiety & pain if I don't know. He texts me or calls to keep in touch. It may be overkill but it is part of our new normal.
If there are no secrets, you should know. Can you let him know this will help you to feel safe & to trust?

rachelc posted 11/20/2013 08:51 AM

yes. He apologized. Said he didn't know it was a business after hours thing but a ribbon cutting and he thought he had told me. It just seems odd that he wouldn't tell me he had just seen his friend who used to work for him 5 minutes before he saw me...
we talked last night and he said is going to these functions within the boundaries? i said yes, as long as you leave if the OW are there... he said he's never seen them there and I believe him.

He said everything he does at work he wonders how it will affect me and if he's doing the right thing. His life is far from perfect because of it. But he said, "I suppose those are my consequences of doing what I did." I didn't say anything... but listened.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:52 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

PinkJeepLady posted 11/20/2013 09:07 AM

You did good rachelc, sounds like you calmly listened. So sad that before DDay you might not have thought a thing about him going without mentioning it to you, but now......
So glad to hear he apologized and then asked if that would be ok to go in the future. Good for him, I think it's a good sign he recognized that he needs to tell you everything, even things that seem insignificant. Uh, yeah those are the consequences my friend, I suppose so.
Take care, does this feel like a step forward maybe?

forgivingnow posted 11/20/2013 10:09 AM

I'm glad you were able to talk to him. When he said "I suppose those are the consequences of doing what I did" and you listened was great on both your parts. He is owning what he did & trying to do the right things and you gave him the positive atmosphere to be open and honest with you.
I agree with pinkjeeplady, positive step forward.

sisoon posted 11/20/2013 12:05 PM

I, too, think you did good, 1) with your vent, 2) with accepting feedback, and 3) with your conversations. Come to think of it, you did great!

Sounds like your H is learning, too.

crazyblindsided posted 11/20/2013 13:27 PM

(((rachelc))) Sorry you had a setback. Those are not fun I am glad your WH apologized and you were able to talk about things. I hope he can be more mindful in the future to tell you these things. I would have reacted the same way you did.

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