[This message edited by rachelc at 9:57 AM, November 18th (Monday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
realizing he's never going to be the person I need him to be.
He will never come to me with something uncomfortable, it has been proven again and again.
What the heck am I still doing here. And this isn't even a big thing...but its typical.
I so totally relate to this. And then when he does (rarely) come to me with something "uncomfortable" and it upsets me or results in questions or hell even just a conversation he immediately freaks out that "THIS" is why he doesn't tell me this stuff, then in the future if I find out something he didn't tell me he goes off about if he does tell me, I'll freak out and sites the 2 examples in 5 months as proof of that. So I will never know what he is and isn't telling me and I do not know how to reconcile with a person like that.
I am sorry for your pain...just today I inquired what my wifes schedule was to be.
Her relaying her schedule to me provides some comfort to me. Most times she remembers, sometimes she doesn't. It hurts when I send the text to her asking her if she has a "busy day"....but my alternative is to let it go and build resentment with these little things. I am not willing to do that so I do the uncomfortable thing of texting her. I do the same with my needs now....it is not comfortable...particularly with my abandonment issues, because as I put myself out there she can decide to hurt me with them...particularly with sarcasm, but other ways too. But to NOT do so would put us back to our pre-A M....have leaned into too much pain for that to happen now.
Gently....the words "never" and "always" are really fast ways for me to throw flags on the field. I have felt this firm emotion many times....so far, my feelings lied to me.
To be sure....I would view the "offense" to be much stronger if my wife failed to tell me about a time when her and her AP were in the same place compared to the schedule thing I mentioned above. So I really do think your situation is different then mine....but the "never" thing is still a flag to be examined.
The business, social thing is a real deal. I work in a business that has social gatherings as part of how we conduct ourselves. I suspect that unless you move out of the territory this will be an ongoing issue for you. Any way you can attend these functions with him? In my industry there are several men who come to these hospitality settings with their wives.
Okay...so I don't have any real help to offer you.
I will say a very real, very specific prayer for you right now.
God be with you both rachelc and Mr. rachelc. You will grow through this day....
[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:56 AM, November 18th (Monday)]
Any way you can attend these functions with him?
I could if I knew about them.
you're right - I should't use the word NEVER. Last month he told me about one and I didn't over-react just said, ok.
It's just that we tell each other about our days.. and he purposely didn't tell me he went there.
The A itself was a very nice, albeit horribly destructive and incredibly temporary, relief from their reality. I suspect your husband is past his A...I say this as I follow your journey closely and read most all of your posts.
But this mode-of-living was most likely a part of your husband since his formative years...it is for my wife.
So they naturally avoid doing anything that causes upset (call it people pleaser, emotion stuffer, independent person, etc.). Mr. rachelc HAS shared some painful things with you....so he is trying.
It is not fair....but try and not react so strongly to really bad truths mr. rachelc express's to you. I actually practice reacting to really bad news from my wife in my head before it happens. I also pull from my immediate past....see how I reacted....observe the results....and change my inputs if what I did influenced an outcome that I do not feel is healthy for our marriage.
NOTICE: I did NOT say "comfortable to me"...I said healthy to our marriage. Is a strong reaction to a truth of the past the best for the future of our marriage? Certainly if our spouses decide to cheat again...righteous anger is to be employed, as well as the services of a trained D attorney....but until that happens we serve our marriages better by reacting in a subdued manner.
Here is the catch to that.....my subdued manner is still way outside my wifes comfort zone! We are not to suppress our own feelings to keep them in their comfort zones....they have to be willing to step up in similar fashion as we are trying to do.
When we fail we have to express grace and mercy if our M are to survive.
Can you go for a walk? Nature is good....has restorative powers just being in nature.
Post often today....
When life beats down on us and we get to the place where we want to hide in a cave, God often places people around us who prod us into moving in the right direction. He does not want us to remain in the place of discouragment. He wants us to move into the land of praise.
I am prodding you rachelc. You are a strong woman. You have more courage then you think you do right now. You have done the same for me in the past....and I have faith you will do it again in my future.
There is comfort in community.
God be with us all.
He said everything he does at work he wonders how it will affect me and if he's doing the right thing. His life is far from perfect because of it. But he said, "I suppose those are my consequences of doing what I did." I didn't say anything... but listened.
[This message edited by rachelc at 8:52 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
Sounds like your H is learning, too.