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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: Love and Kindness from BS
qwerty2012
♂ 41311
Member # 41311
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find myself in a quandary ...
I hope to have a normal married life.
I hope to receive love and kindness from my BS.

Yet i find myself feeling ashamed to receive love and kindness - since I am not deserving of such love and kindness. And once i receive some love and kindness - i feel relieved and relaxed - and when i don't receive it the next day or later - it hurts .... and i mourn the loss.

Do other WS'es relate - how do you deal with it?


Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Hell
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The love and kindness I receive from my BW is one of the powerful motivating tools I use to nourish the healthy me that will never again cheat on her.

Her gift to me inspires and leaves me in awe of what true love and forgiveness can feel like.

Makes luurrvvvv look like a three week old bag of rotting leftovers from that restauraunt which was written up in the paper for health violations.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
pizzalover
♀ 38336
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I deal with this as well. I try to really enjoy the happy moments and not beat myself when I get his love or affection, even when I feel I don't deserve it. On the flip side, I cry a lot when I'm denied it and I talk a lot about it in therapy, but I realize that he is in excruciating pain and can't give me what I need. This is hard. I'm working to make his feelings first and working on myself in therapy. My neediness is a part of what got me in this awful situation so I'm really trying to work on that. This may not have helped, but this is just my two cents.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 517 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i find myself feeling ashamed to receive love and kindness - since I am not deserving of such love and kindness.

Does your BS know this?

The other day fWH asked me for permission to be happy. It broke my heart and made it sing at the same time.

Make sure your BS knows this. I think it speaks volumes about your level and remorse. And bc of your level of remorse, I think that one day you WILL feel deserving.

Good luck.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell your BS. I would have loved to have heard mine say this.We BS who want to reconcile, we love our WS, we want to be kind and loving, but it's such a risk, sometimes it's so hard to be that vulnerable. Telling your BS that would mean a lot


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1107 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
qwerty2012
♂ 41311
Member # 41311
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BS knows - i let her know in the exact words above - via email.

Still working on the courage to voice out my feelings instead of hiding behind emails.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Hell
PainfulReminder
♀ 41146
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH love and kindness brought me back. It kept me alive so yes, without it I would feel a you.

His patience, kindness and forgiveness were far more powerful than words of hate, anger, and coldness.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ 36684
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt weird receiving love, kindness and compassion from my bs for a while.
I didn't feel like I deserved it.
It didn't feel fair for him to love and hold me through MY pain, that I caused, when his was greater.
I had to learn let him love me. It's a work in progress


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1146 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
KBeguile
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what broevil said. x2.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 802 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
gotmylifeback
♂ 32693
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After my Dday, I continued to show my WS love and kindness. I probably went more out of my way to show her but she seemed to take it as me just trying desperately to win her back. So, not only was she not receptive to my love and affection, but in a way she threw it back in my face.

I can see how a remorseful WS would feel that they don't deserve the love and kindness from their BS. But, I wanted to point out a few things that I have observed.

I believe that true love is a choice. And, it is also a choice to express that love. Maybe the motive is just to win the WS back. Reconciliation for a BS is a gamble which includes the choice to express love and kindness. When I tried to save my marriage I was deeply saddened to have my love for my WS rejected. That love was not something that I had or expressed to anyone else. I chose to express it to my WS even though she was not "deserving" of it.

If you are struggling to accept your BS's love and affection make sure you tell them. Text or email works but face to face, in person I think would be more meaningful. As a BS I can tell you that we already feel rejected, pushed aside, and like we were the second choice. It was hurtful to have my WS reject and not accept my love. If your BS is sensing or feeling like you are not accepting or appreciating their kindness, it can make them feel hurt and rejected.

At least some WS's here on SI have shared that they were looking for external validation. That somehow what their BS was offering was not enough. For some, I can see that this might be a stumbling block to fully accepting their BS's love. I have read a few profiles where the WS has mentioned FOO issues where they did not receive unconditional love from their family/parents. Or, a person growing up with the feeling that love and kindness needs to be earned or that they are not deserving of such actions. I believe that my ex never fully believed that I loved and accepted her as she was even prior to her A. She did not love herself so I can see how she doubted by love for her.

Now that I am a new relationship with a healthy person, I have really learned to appreciate and value the love that my SO expresses to me. I am the only person in the world who receives that from her. In return, she is the only person who receives my love and kindness. If your BS is making an effort to express love and kindness to you, make sure that you acknowledge their actions. You may not "feel" that you are deserving. But, consider that your BS is not expressing this love and kindness to anyone else. Maybe you can't fully accept what they are expressing. But make sure you communicate that with them. Let them know that you value their efforts despite their pain. Sending you best wishes as you R.


Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall


Posts: 598 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
Neznayou
♀ 40654
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, what they said. I still feel undeserving, but my part of R is learning to be authentic in our relationship, both giving myself and receiving him in every way. Some days are easier than others, but we are still moving forward.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 336 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are struggling to accept your BS's love and affection make sure you tell them. Text or email works but face to face, in person I think would be more meaningful. As a BS I can tell you that we already feel rejected, pushed aside, and like we were the second choice. It was hurtful to have my WS reject and not accept my love. If your BS is sensing or feeling like you are not accepting or appreciating their kindness, it can make them feel hurt and rejected.

This.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1107 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
finallyfree2011
♀ 37998
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BS gave up everything to work things out with us.

He left the church he grew up in and the position of elder he held. I fought to stay there because I couldn't deal with the pain of everything I thought meant so much to him even though it was making our recovery nearly impossible.

He told me that none of it mattered if I wasn't there with him.

It was hard to accept his love and forgiveness and sometimes I still struggle with it.



Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 13

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