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I don't feel that he belongs to me

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FightingBack posted 11/18/2013 11:09 AM

After almost two years, sometimes I still feel that I am the OW.

Their's was not a ONS. It was not a brief, tumultuous A. It was a LTA that lasted more than half of our M. It was a relationship. It became "normal", comfortable, routine.

Whereas their sex life was uninhibited and easy, ours is unsure an insecure. Their's was relaxed and satisfying and ours can be tense and frustrating.

I feel sometimes that she is the better match for him. Now I bring too much emotional baggage into the bedroom. I am constantly questioning if I am good enough. I am terrified that his desire for me will wane again. if someone else will come along that he won't be able to resist.

He assures me all the time that this is not so. That I have always been his only love. This assurance does not take away the doubt. In fact, these words scare me. if I was always his only love, then how can this have happened.

I feel that in discovering the A, I came between them and a relationship that was good. (For them)

I felt for al those years that he did belong to me, when he was with someone else. Now he is here with me and I feel as though he really belongs to her.

Shouldn't I feel better by this time?

[This message edited by FightingBack at 11:10 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 11/18/2013 11:20 AM


Please go and read my latest post regarding affairs, datings and sin.

I know you express concern that your husband had a LTA. Honestly, my wifes A would have been a LTA if I had not discovered it.

Did your husbands OW take care of him when he had the flu and had tissues stuffed up his nose?

Did she have his children?

Did she have to rearrange schedules to get the car serviced?

Was she there for him when a family member past?

How about when he missed a promotion or got downsized at work? (and I don't mean comfort-sex...I mean "Oh shit, how am I going to provide for my family!")

Did she have to figure out how they would put back enough so they could retire?

I don't know the answers to those questions...and if they are all next point is not valid.

The duration of A matter little....not my opinion, this is a common thread throughout the 17-20 books I have read on infideltiy...books that have case studies cited in them.

This entire journey is unfair.

The truth is our spouses operated inside their affair in similar manners as they operated with us during our dating and honeymoon phases....they showed the sides they wanted to show....and nothing more. Sure they showed real pains and hurts....but all of the noble kind...none of their poor traits.....

In other words....NONE OF THEIR BAGGAGE. Yes, our spouses have baggae too....this is what they left at the station when they boarded the adultery train. This is what I was tempted to do after I saw my wife on that train.....looking to catch the next one! Luckily, I had friends at the station who said "Come on don't want to do that.".

You are a good woman. Only you know your sitch.

If the A was a deal was. I have seen on here and read in books that, just like length of time of affairs matter little, time after DD matters little if the truth of the matter is adultery was a deal breaker for you.

Right now I don't believe it was for me....but I am only 15 months out....I am getting out of the habit of using words like "never" and "always".

I trust I am gathering new tools from which I can process life. You are too.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:22 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

FightingBack posted 11/18/2013 12:12 PM

Thank you for the encouragement Blake.

I get what you say about the length of the A. Even my H will try to reassure me that it was all fantasy, not "real". But you know what? It was very real. No she was not living with him, so did not take care of him when he was sick, but she certainly was there for him every day to listen to his work problems and stresses, to encourage and offer advice. She didn't have his children, but became close and "motherly" to each of mine. And yes, she gave comfort whenever it was needed, and revelled in her ability to do so.

She was his "office wife" and was content with this role as she had her own family to care for at home. And my role was reduced to the "home secretary". I handled the domestic works of our family life, and she handled the emotional care. It would have been a great arrangement if I hadn't felt so needy for that emotional connection myself.

But the more he connected with her, the more he detached from me. I didn't see it happening, or maybe I just got used to his distance.

She gradually took over the role that should have been mine. the role of confidant and supporter and lover. It happened so slowly that I was either too foolish or immature to even recognize it.

But it was very real, and I mourn for those lost years. My experience was the fantasy. I truly believe that had I left him after discovery, they would be together today. I think she would have left her own marriage which she claimed was just a practical arrangement.

Although my H still says that he never loved her and that he never wanted to leave me for her, he in effect did leave me years ago.

Now we are trying to rebuild something that was essentially over a long time ago. And I am so afraid that we won't make it.

I am going to look for your recent threads Blake.

sinsof thefather posted 11/18/2013 12:45 PM

FightingBack, I don't have any words of advice, but I just want to give you this (((((FightingBack))))) because I sense the depth of your pain.

bionicgal posted 11/18/2013 13:33 PM

Maybe your H wanted to tie himself to a decent, honorable woman?

I think all of us have had the fears you describe to a degree -- especially those of us who had WSes who proclaimed "love" for their AP in the fog.

My feeling is that you need to listen to your H more in terms of what he says she meant to him, and more importantly *what she means to him now.* These are often not the same thing. Love doesn't evaporate with less contact -- infatuation does.

All this info about their sex life etc., are you sure they are his words? Our counselor encouraged me to not look at the whole of a relationship based off of sex, in any case. And, things change in the regard. Are you reading and growing yourself in terms of feeling more uninhibited and increasing your intimacy if that is an issue for you?

Most waywards eventually realize that what they felt in the affair was not love. You need to believe your H when he tells you this, and let him love you. Don't let your insecurity make you doubt yourself.

Your husband made the choice he did (to stay with you) for a reason. Let him tell you why. Have him write it down, and then -- you have to work on allowing yourself to believe him. It is hard because he lied, for sure.

My H's affair was brief, and the AP was a friend, and I have had moments like what you are describing, and they are terrifying. But then I ask myself, "Bionicgal, why are you tormenting yourself?. . . this woman is not worthy of any feeling of jealousy from you." If you can, find the "Honey, they always affair down" post, and be kind to yourself.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:38 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

Bobbi_sue posted 11/18/2013 13:46 PM

The duration of A matter little....not my opinion,
I would say this is individual I absolutely don't agree with that statement no matter how many experts published case studies on it.

Every single detail (especially the length of the A) would matter to me and would weigh in my decision whether to R or not. In fact I would not R if my H had an A for more than half our M and the sex was "relaxed and satisfying" when the sex at home was "unsure an insecure." I find it ridiculous that your H says you "have always been his only love." He may have chosen you at this point, but I would not buy that line in these circumstances.

Shouldn't I feel better by this time?

According to your join date, I'm assuming it has been almost two years. IMO, if two years later you are not feeling better, perhaps you made the wrong decision in staying with him. If I were in your shoes I'm quite sure I'd feel better a lot faster by kicking him to the curb and filing for a D.

5454real posted 11/18/2013 13:49 PM

Shouldn't I feel better by this time?

Everyone heals at their own pace. Sending you Mojo and strength.

Can he do more to help?

realitybites posted 11/18/2013 13:53 PM

I think because we feel they married us and we have that "piece of paper" that somehow we get first rite of refusal. Having said that I just want you to know that I feel what you feel. Sometimes they go back to comfortable, easy, financially safe....we are OK, don't get me wrong but not their first choice.

I do think when you completely release them, when you stop competing....and really get your own life and your own wants and needs and stop worrying about what the WS wants? Thats when you and only for you might find what you are looking for...but I agree that if half of your marriage was with someone else then it makes sense you would feel how you feel.

blakesteele posted 11/18/2013 18:41 PM

TIME.....that is a key ingredient, we all agree on this.

I think what the experts are saying is that TIME by itself is not going to change things.

Time with an AP matters if the actions of the adulterers are GROWING and nurturing their affair....if they stop at the level of romantic love....I believe it could go on for decades and mean no more to them then the point at which they stopped growing their relationship. The fact that your husbands affair was a LTA and he did NOT file for D tells me he stopped growing that relationship sometime long ago....a fact that his OW was apparently fine with. So it was mutually agreed to that what they had is what was a lets keep it at that attitude was adopted.

Time out from DD matters if the actions of both the BS and fWS have continued to find ways to grow and nurture their marriage....I believe my wife and I could go for decades after DD and have the same dead marriage we had at DD if we chose to stop growing it there.

The thing with relationships is they stop wherever one of the two people involved in it decide to stop it. My wife decided to stop growing our relationship when she choose her AP. I had no control over this, had no input in it, didn't realize she did this. I suspect your husband reached this point in his affair fairly early on as well. If he had desired more......frankly, he would be with her right now. The fact is he choose you. Now, what was his motives behind this choice? That is a GREAT question for him to answer....have him put it in writing....invite him to add to it as he thinks of reasons.

I am very sorry for your husbands work wife...and you turning into a home secretary. Your husband was getting his needs met via two women. For what it is wife was getting her needs met by two men. She had the fun, exciting, EASY relationship with her AP because of lack of baggage. And she had me to carry her baggage by supporting our family via my income and skills as a father. She was having sex with both of us at the same time. I really could have seen this going on into the future.....with neither her AP or myself growing in our relationship with my wife. She found an equilibrium that worked for her....until it didn't.

For the wife put more into her A relationship then her AP did.....she was on her way to thinking it was meant to be....he had a very different take on the situation and would have limited its growth had I not discovered it and expedited his true intentions.

I would caution you about putting too much stock into time tables....and would encourage you to really examine your assumptions.

While adultery is not a unique trauma to all of us, our journey away from us is unique. Lots play into our journeys.....I cant tell you how to step your journey. I am sincerely trying to support you in what ever your decision is by nudging you to fully examine the facts BEFORE making life altering decisions.

Look....our spouses did not have anyone doing this for them when they choose adultery as a suitable option to take on their lifes journey. My wife based some of her decisions to have an affair on some very wrong assumptions. I think she regrets that....I know I would.

I have made decisions before based on assumptions...rarely did they pan out well.

I am only 15 months out....I have done a tremendous amount of reading and pondering....but I am as lost as the rest of us here.

I pray I did not minimize your pain or state my thoughts in such a cavalier manager as to add to your pain. I am sorry if this is what I did.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:00 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 11/18/2013 18:56 PM

How about asking yourself this question.....

Does fightingback deserve a better husband then she has?

If, as you ponder this question, you come up with things that your marriage to mr. fightingback failed to provide to you.....take those short-falls and write them down.

Then look at that list...figure out some sort of priority list of them.....

Then find a way to bring them to mr. fightingback....bring them as requests, not demands. See if he chooses to find ways to meet the needs you express to him.

This serves several purposes....

1. The most reliable way to see that your needs are known to your husband.

2. Your husband can decide if he is willing to meet those needs.

3. By doing this your resentment is mitigated.

I have found even when my need request is denied by my wife that I still feel good afterwards. When she grants them I feel even better.

For us, this open exchange is VERY not how we operated in our marriage pre-A. It is one reason my wife choose to commit adultery....she failed to bring her needs to me. She assumed she had done EVERYTHING.

Fact wife and I did very little to nurture our M pre-A.

God help us all.

ItsaClimb posted 11/19/2013 06:46 AM

{{FightingBack}} I understand how you are feeling, I really do. I am having a "sad day" today and many of the same thoughts have been weighing heavily on my heart.

Just reading through your post and the responses, a couple of things came to my mind. First of all

It was a relationship. It became "normal", comfortable, routine.
I feel sometimes that she is the better match for him.

^^ In my situation the same applies. My fWH spent at least two nights of every week, for four months, sleeping over at AP's house. It was pretty much domestic bliss - she was his wife on those nights. He was involved with her for 10 months and during that time spent most hours of every day with her. Their relationship was definitely comfortable and routine, almost "wedded bliss". And in many, many ways, OW in my situation was a better match for my husband. They have so much more in common than him and I do. They are far more similar and I think they understand each other better than he and I do.

That being said - although the relationships were good on many levels, although they were well-suited - is that what either of our husbands REALLY wanted for their marriage? If so, why on earth are they still with us? For what reason are they going through all the terrible trauma and sadness of healing and R? Why then have they not left us to be with their APs?

Looking at my fWH and OW, I wonder if their relationship would have survived what my relationship with fWH is withstanding? She certainly served a purpose in his life. She made him happy. She understood all the issues he was having at work. She could talk with him about "work stuff" that I have no idea about. She satisfied him sexually. He loved being at her house. So they had a lot going for them. But was her love for him deep and strong enough to withstand real trauma? I don't think so, because she let him go without a fight! I think the same may be true in your situation. AP served a purpose in your husband's life, but really, honestly and truly, did she want more? Did he? If him and her REALLY wanted more, I believe they would both have divorced and they would be together right now. Instead he is with you, fighting for his marriage.

Whereas their sex life was uninhibited and easy, ours is unsure an insecure. Their's was relaxed and satisfying and ours can be tense and frustrating.
Another thing I really understand. We went through HB and that was great, but since then I have become soooo insecure. And as you say, I bring a mountain of emotional baggage to the bedroom. I am hoping that with time that will ease somewhat. It worries me though. The A started at a time where I had some health issues that affected our sex life and also, we were going through an extremely stressful time, so sex wasn't a top priority for me. It worries me that because I am finding sex difficult for emotional reasons now, he will become frustrated and vulnerable to another A.

if I was always his only love, then how can this have happened.
I have accepted that, for a time, I was not my fWH's only love. Deeply sad, but true. My fWH loved OW - it may not have been a deep, true, pure love, but he loved her nonetheless. It hurts, but I have come to accept it. The thing is, he no longer has those feeling for her. And, although for a time he turned from me, I know he loves me again now and it is a love that has survived the most awful 15 months ever, so it has been tested! The thing is, can I live with the fact that there was a time when he DIDN'T love me and he loved AP? I have been wrestling that thought since D-Day. As things stand now, I can live with it. It hurts like hell, but I can live with it. For now.

I felt for all those years that he did belong to me, when he was with someone else. Now he is here with me and I feel as though he really belongs to her

^^ This is something I have battled so to get my head around too. For a loooong time after D-Day I literally felt like I was living with OW's boy-friend! Hideous situation to be in! I still can't help feeling that if your husband wasn't "yours" he wouldn't be with you, going through the roller-coaster of R.

Shouldn't I feel better by this time?

^^ I ask myself this question daily. I often wonder whether the fact that I am STILL so torn up is an indication that the A was a deal-breaker for me, or whether some of us simply take longer to heal - perhaps we have the type of personality that wrestles with things more, or FOO issues come into play. I wish I knew the answer!

Wish I could be more help. I know how horrible these "down" days are. Hang in there. PM any time you want to!

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 1:22 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

FightingBack posted 11/19/2013 12:32 PM

I want to thank everyone for their replies.

There is much to think about and interesting perspectives to consider.

That is what is so great about this place. Just being able to vent is good, but to get feedback is so supportive.

Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate this support which has once again caught me from falling too deeply into that hole we know all too well.

blakesteele posted 11/20/2013 05:23 AM


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