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WH seems to be getting away with it

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staystrong101 posted 11/18/2013 11:19 AM

I'm having a hard time with this. Married 23 years, we have 4 kids between 17 and 19 years-old. DDay 6 mos ago. WH sent sexual text to OW which accidentally went to one of our 17 year-old daughters and me. So I could not hide it from our kids. They know their Dad cheated on me for 4 1/2 years with OW. They know her and her kids from school. They actually guessed who it was bc of his behavior with her. Also, he was texting 2 others for about a year each. He admitted he has been looking for opportunities to cheat for about last 20 years. I have learned about 8 women, over many years, that he has attempted to seduce.(I have not told the kids any of these other details.) He said he was sorry that I was upset, but really has no guilt. He sees this as separate from our life together, and he never planned to leave me. "This is just something all men do. It's a guy thing and means nothing." I knew he was selfish and he's a functioning alcoholic. He is very successful in his career. I work full time and have always done 99% of raising kids. But I really never thought he would have an affair. I know it sounds so stupid now. I loved him and really thought he would become more involved and interested when the kids got older and didn't take so much of my time. He would never help me with the meals, driving, house or yard, etc.
Since DDay he has lived with his mom. He is so selfish. I heard she fixes all his meals and he doesn't do anything to help her with house, etc. His mom just had surgery, and his sister is bringing meals to their mom. Even with WH living there! I really think he is just enjoying his freedom. He sees the kids once a week, takes them out to dinner and tells them to order the steak or whatever they want. He doesn't want them more than that. He is buying them things like sweatshirts they don't need. They think it's funny. They say "Dad's trying to buy us mom. We see through it but hey, we aren't going to turn things down." Two of our kids have tried to talk to him about his affairs, but he just said "I'm sorry, but let's talk about something else."
I asked WH if he is going to talk to them about what he has done to our family. He said no, never. His plan is to be the fun, cool Dad, and have good times with them. In time, they will see that he's a good guy and will forgive and forget. He said time heals everything and he is their Dad so they will love him unconditionally.
In the meantime, I'm still the responsible one, making sure they have decent meals on table and are filling out the college applic and going to school/jobs on time, etc. They are good, responsible students/athletes. I have a good relationship with them. But I can't help feeling angry that he destroyed our family and now he seems to be getting away with it. I filed for D. I could not stay with him after he disrespected and lied to me for so many years. He is not with OW - she is staying with her BS. This is not her first affair but her BS wants to stay with her until their youngest is grown. So, OW still has her family intact, so she seems to be getting away with it also. My WH is having good times with our kids.
Is it wrong that it makes me so angry?! I do want my kids to be happy. I do not want them to be put in the middle, but honestly when they come home happy from their big dinners I want to scream, "don't you realize what he has done to this family!" So far, I am taking the high road. Is it true that kids just forgive and forget, or do you think they will eventually realize that I'm the one who has been there for them all these years? Will he really never have to answer for his actions? He really doesn't seem to care.

k9lover1 posted 11/18/2013 12:34 PM

I know it seems that way. We would all like to see them squirm and suffer and pay for what they have done, but unfortunately, often that is not the case.

A lot of WH don't feel bad about what they have done - sure he got "away" with it, but he is now a certifiable scumbag - forever. He'll get his - some day he will answer for all.

Hold your head up and move on.

momentintime posted 11/18/2013 12:57 PM

He isn't getting away with it (nor her for that matter). The quality of their lives is shallow. They don't know what real intimacy is or how to share and bond in a truly meaningful way.

Think of it this way. He is a present, beautifully wrapped with shiny paper, lovely bow. Looks so wonderful. But when you open the package there is nothing inside. Big disappointment, right? Your kids already see this. They are telling you they are taking what he is offering, but hon, they know they can't count of him really being there for them.

His attitude about what he has been doing so clearly says how little he has inside pertaining to character, morals or ethics. He is an empty shell of a man. I'm sure he can be charming but it is just a facade. Nothing of value inside.

I know this hurts, but your life will grow after the D. You will find fulfillment and new joys. He is just running on the same straight line of nothingness.

[This message edited by momentintime at 12:59 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

LonelySilhouette posted 11/18/2013 13:05 PM

His plan is to be the fun, cool Dad, and have good times with them. In time, they will see that he's a good guy and will forgive and forget. He said time heals everything and he is their Dad so they will love him unconditionally.

He might think so, but probably not.

My father was a jerk like that. An alcoholic that cheated on my mother. I have never forgotten and I certainly have never forgiven, and we have absolutely no relationship. I haven't seen him or talked to him for over 30 years. There just came a point where I realized he is toxic and I didn't need that in my life. I couldn't count on him, he didn't act like a father and I didn't need him.

sjf89 posted 11/18/2013 13:10 PM

I feel very sad for you. (((staystrong101)). Your name implies that you think about staying strong. Sometimes you can - other times it's just too much. Don't ever give up. I know you must feel shocked and that you don't know the man you married. I feel that way too. My husband was so wonderful for so many years but then something happened and now i no longer know him. It is unfortunate that kids are involved. However kids will love their parents no matter what. They may be angry at them for something they've done, but when it comes down to it - their parents are the greastest force in their lives, someone they will never forget. It sounds like you need to start planning a new life for yourself. I know that seems hard after so many years of loving one person and raising children. But it doesn't sound like he ever plans to change. So unless you can live with his ways and accept an open marriage - you realy have no other choice. Again - I'm sorry for you. I am a great believer in karma, and the vengeance that it serves up to those who are intentionally immoral.

anewday78 posted 11/18/2013 13:52 PM

He will pay for it once you've moved on and find happiness without him. No longer will he have a real family - he'll always be the guy that the kids drop-in on with their hands extended forward. They won't have real relationships with him because he doesn't know how to have real relationships. They'll only go to him when they need material things. They'll come to you for all the meaningful things. They'll spend the bulk of their time with you when they have children of their own. On holidays, you'll continue to make the memories for them and their children and he will be nothing but an after thought. The kids may very well forgive him on a surface level because they'll look at him as the sad, pathetic shell of a man that he truly is. They'll never take him seriously and he'll always be an inside joke among the siblings. Sooner or later they'll have no use for him once they've settled into their own careers, family lives, and daily routines. Then, all he'll have is his empty relationships with his A-partners. What kind of life is that? He'll wonder why nobody comes around for him and why you get to reap all of the closeness with your kids. That's when he'll have no choice but to face the consequences of his bad choices. By then, you won't care because you'll have moved on and will be preoccupied with your own busy, happy, fulfilling life. This is the part that you might not want to hear: you most likely won't see karma at work until you're well over the whole mess and you no longer care. Just know that it WILL happen.

staystrong101 posted 11/18/2013 13:52 PM

Thank you all so much for the responses. I feel alone in many ways. Yes I am trying to be strong and hold my head high, but it's so hard at times. We live in his hometown. I would like to move, but this is my kids' home. All 4 kids will be in college next year, but even in summers they'll want to come home to this city. So,I'm stuck here at least for a few years. I would never leave my kids. So I endure the gossip and humiliation. I have met some new friends through a D support group, so that helps. WH is charming and fun, a life of the party kind of person, always a drink in his hand. But yes, a cold-hearted, empty shell of a person. He truly has no empathy for others. Since I kicked him out, my daily life has not changed in one bit. I still do all the house and yard work, meals, trash out, everything. When he was home he just sat in his chair, drinking beer and watching TV & texting OW #1, #2 and #3. I didn't realize how little he did until he was gone and nothing changed. I can't believe I tolerated that for so many years, but I was so busy just trying to get through the day to day. And if I ever complained or asked for help, he would act like I was the one with a problem. and nothing changed. So many people know he cheated on me with OW #1. He and OW have told people that they were just texting, as friends, and I am just insecure and jealous. Of course they don't mention all the hotel rooms, bars, lunch meetings, etc. Texting and Sexting 80-100 times/day. WH tells me still that it was EA, never physical. And even in the hotels they hugged but never even kissed. It's so ridiculous. And i'm being blunt here, but OW is not even attractive. Not that I'm a supermodel or anything but I do take care of myself. He threw our family away to be with an unattractive, uneducated, alcoholic. Out at bars, people would ask him where I was. He told them I was just a home body and wanted to stay home and watch TV. Such a liar. I have so many examples of cruel, hurtful things he did to me. I do think things happen for a reason. I will move on and have a better life. Even if I'm alone, I won't be as lonely as I was when I was with him.
Sorry didn't mean to vent again. I'm just so angry. Thanks for listening.

lieshurt posted 11/18/2013 14:01 PM

But I can't help feeling angry that he destroyed our family and now he seems to be getting away with it.

Actually, he didn't destroy your family. From what you've described, he wasn't actually a part of the family to begin with. He just lived there in the house. You and your kids are the family and you will continue to be strong together. In the end, he will be the one left in the cold while you carry on.

NeverAgain2013 posted 11/18/2013 14:26 PM

Staystrong, I think my mom was angry and bitter for a long long time because my father was a functioning alcholic and he too was a serial cheater, just like your husband.

My father ran off with his latest squeeze, deserting us and leaving my mom with 5 dependent children back in the 70's. It was a huge struggle (and back then, we didn't have the internet, so finding him was next to impossible). They didn't find him for years and years and by the time they did, he was an old man and eventually died with a huge back child support lien on his head.

My point?

I don't believe people like my father and your husband are "normal." I think they're able to do whatever suits them without a care in the world, because they have an incredible sense of self entitlement and they lack the proper human emotions that cause us to feel sadness, empathy, sympathy, etc. etc. Is it that infamously selfish alcoholic mentality at work, perhaps? I'm not sure, but I really don't think my father looked back ever again once he hit the road and left us. At least, I never heard from him again so I'd have to assume he was ok with what he did.

It also seems he lived a somewhat charmed life after he disappeared (which we found out about after his death) so it doesn't appear the karma gods showed up and gave him a dose of what-for to punish him for having deserted his wife and family. So, you may never see your husband get what's coming to him for having treated you all so horribly; I know we didn't see it towards my dad.

I guess your STBex is so delusional that he doesn't realize how damaging his misdeeds really are. I think being a psychopath has it's advantages - it deludes one SO much that they're truly not even aware of the havoc they wreak or the destruction they leave in their wake.

Maybe he never will.

Sending you positive and calming thoughts.

jjct posted 11/18/2013 19:47 PM

You, I'd definitely hug. Stay on the high road. It's hard at first, then in time, all the biting-tongued work you are doing to forge good character assures it's smoothly paved for long and long into the future.

When your focus turns more into your relationship with your children - and how your example models integrity for them, instead of his assclownery - instead of 'he's getting away with it', you will experience great peace.

If I could teleport you into the future, you would see a rather indifferent you. Not concerned, maybe even a bit sad about his outcome - pathological deniers and empathy-lacking laughing cruel liars often develop physical diseases...problems. The truth will out.

In the meantime, it's ok to be angry at the seeming injustice of it all. It's ok. We understand - and have a fondness for rants too!
Be angry here all you need to be. We got your back.
Hug and love and focus on your relationship with your kids. Not so much his. You have winner tattooed on your mother's heart and soul. Gotta like that.

MC_Jack posted 11/18/2013 22:04 PM

Your kids will always know which parent gave them what. They will perhaps think of their dad like one thinks of a beer buddy - fondly but not in any deep nor meaningful way.

Your even handling college apps - huge undertaking while dealing with all this. Bravo to you!

LonelySilhouette posted 11/18/2013 22:23 PM

We live in his hometown. I would like to move, but this is my kids' home

Honestly, I think you'll find that wherever you are is your kids' home. ;-)

If moving would make you happy, you should definitely consider it. For you. Your kids are going to be moving on and they'll come to you wherever you are.

staystrong101 posted 11/19/2013 07:08 AM

Thanks again everyone. Your replies gave me great comfort, and this site helps me see that some people out there do understand.

Mr. Kite posted 11/19/2013 10:16 AM

"This is just something all men do. It's a guy thing and means nothing."

Bull****! I've been married over 28 years and have never cheated. All men don't cheat. Only the ones who never grew up and remain irresponsible, selfish teenagers in their thinking and actions.

Will he really never have to answer for his actions?

I'm of the opinion that everyone gets exactly what's coming to them, either good or bad, here or in the afterlife. It's what keeps me from living in a constant state of rage due to the injustice that's all around us.

Take care of you and your children first and the rest will work itself out eventually.

dmari posted 11/19/2013 10:41 AM

(((((staystrong101))))) There are a few parts in your post that I identified with. I'm a bit further out than you (from dday) so I wanted to write and share some insight.

First, always focus on YOU. Heal, rebuild and move forward. Read books, post, IC, or whatever it is that heals you, do it. The more you focus on you, your WH starts to take up less and less and less headspace until poof passing thoughts just here and there.

Right now he is Dinner Dad big deal. Your kids know which parent is their rock. YOU. Your kids are grieving the loss of their family. Are you familiar with the stages of grief? Trust me, they will go through every stage and because it is not linear, they will cycle through the stages many many times.

My stbx was Dinner Dad too. McDonalds. The kids would come home and be content and I would be grinding my teeth. I was just relieved to have them home safe. My DD18 could only put up with his bullshit charade for a month. My DS14 lasted a few more months. Now they don't want anything to do with him. They are in the "anger" stage.

When my stbx walked out and after I processed the agonizing pain, my life got much easier and peaceful. I, like you, did everything. I didn't realize he did absolutely nothing until he left. So nothing changed there.

In time, you won't give a fuck about the OW or who is feeding your WS because you will be living your fabulous life. Continue to take the high road. I had hoped and prayed that my stbx would be held accountable ~ during the divorce proceedings and with life in general but he seems to be getting away with everything. I had to stop focusing on that because it didn't help my healing. Yes it sucks that they are getting away with it but whatevers. That will be his burden to carry. Not mine and not yours. It is more important that WE live our life authentically.

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