A lot of WH don't feel bad about what they have done - sure he got "away" with it, but he is now a certifiable scumbag - forever. He'll get his - some day he will answer for all.
Hold your head up and move on.
Think of it this way. He is a present, beautifully wrapped with shiny paper, lovely bow. Looks so wonderful. But when you open the package there is nothing inside. Big disappointment, right? Your kids already see this. They are telling you they are taking what he is offering, but hon, they know they can't count of him really being there for them.
His attitude about what he has been doing so clearly says how little he has inside pertaining to character, morals or ethics. He is an empty shell of a man. I'm sure he can be charming but it is just a facade. Nothing of value inside.
I know this hurts, but your life will grow after the D. You will find fulfillment and new joys. He is just running on the same straight line of nothingness.
[This message edited by momentintime at 12:59 PM, November 18th (Monday)]
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
His plan is to be the fun, cool Dad, and have good times with them. In time, they will see that he's a good guy and will forgive and forget. He said time heals everything and he is their Dad so they will love him unconditionally.
He might think so, but probably not.
My father was a jerk like that. An alcoholic that cheated on my mother. I have never forgotten and I certainly have never forgiven, and we have absolutely no relationship. I haven't seen him or talked to him for over 30 years. There just came a point where I realized he is toxic and I didn't need that in my life. I couldn't count on him, he didn't act like a father and I didn't need him.
But I can't help feeling angry that he destroyed our family and now he seems to be getting away with it.
Actually, he didn't destroy your family. From what you've described, he wasn't actually a part of the family to begin with. He just lived there in the house. You and your kids are the family and you will continue to be strong together. In the end, he will be the one left in the cold while you carry on.
If you want them to quit stabbing you in the back, then you need to quit handing them the knife.
My father ran off with his latest squeeze, deserting us and leaving my mom with 5 dependent children back in the 70's. It was a huge struggle (and back then, we didn't have the internet, so finding him was next to impossible). They didn't find him for years and years and by the time they did, he was an old man and eventually died with a huge back child support lien on his head.
I don't believe people like my father and your husband are "normal." I think they're able to do whatever suits them without a care in the world, because they have an incredible sense of self entitlement and they lack the proper human emotions that cause us to feel sadness, empathy, sympathy, etc. etc. Is it that infamously selfish alcoholic mentality at work, perhaps? I'm not sure, but I really don't think my father looked back ever again once he hit the road and left us. At least, I never heard from him again so I'd have to assume he was ok with what he did.
It also seems he lived a somewhat charmed life after he disappeared (which we found out about after his death) so it doesn't appear the karma gods showed up and gave him a dose of what-for to punish him for having deserted his wife and family. So, you may never see your husband get what's coming to him for having treated you all so horribly; I know we didn't see it towards my dad.
I guess your STBex is so delusional that he doesn't realize how damaging his misdeeds really are. I think being a psychopath has it's advantages - it deludes one SO much that they're truly not even aware of the havoc they wreak or the destruction they leave in their wake.
Maybe he never will.
Sending you positive and calming thoughts.
When your focus turns more into your relationship with your children - and how your example models integrity for them, instead of his assclownery - instead of 'he's getting away with it', you will experience great peace.
If I could teleport you into the future, you would see a rather indifferent you. Not concerned, maybe even a bit sad about his outcome - pathological deniers and empathy-lacking laughing cruel liars often develop physical diseases...problems. The truth will out.
In the meantime, it's ok to be angry at the seeming injustice of it all. It's ok. We understand - and have a fondness for rants too!
Be angry here all you need to be. We got your back.
Hug and love and focus on your relationship with your kids. Not so much his. You have winner tattooed on your mother's heart and soul. Gotta like that.
Your even handling college apps - huge undertaking while dealing with all this. Bravo to you!
We live in his hometown. I would like to move, but this is my kids' home
Honestly, I think you'll find that wherever you are is your kids' home. ;-)
If moving would make you happy, you should definitely consider it. For you. Your kids are going to be moving on and they'll come to you wherever you are.
"This is just something all men do. It's a guy thing and means nothing."
Bull****! I've been married over 28 years and have never cheated. All men don't cheat. Only the ones who never grew up and remain irresponsible, selfish teenagers in their thinking and actions.
Will he really never have to answer for his actions?
I'm of the opinion that everyone gets exactly what's coming to them, either good or bad, here or in the afterlife. It's what keeps me from living in a constant state of rage due to the injustice that's all around us.
Take care of you and your children first and the rest will work itself out eventually.
First, always focus on YOU. Heal, rebuild and move forward. Read books, post, IC, or whatever it is that heals you, do it. The more you focus on you, your WH starts to take up less and less and less headspace until … poof … passing thoughts just here and there.
Right now he is Dinner Dad … big deal. Your kids know which parent is their rock. YOU. Your kids are grieving the loss of their family. Are you familiar with the stages of grief? Trust me, they will go through every stage and because it is not linear, they will cycle through the stages many many times.
My stbx was Dinner Dad too. McDonalds. The kids would come home and be content and I would be grinding my teeth. I was just relieved to have them home safe. My DD18 could only put up with his bullshit charade for a month. My DS14 lasted a few more months. Now they don't want anything to do with him. They are in the "anger" stage.
When my stbx walked out and after I processed the agonizing pain, my life got much easier and peaceful. I, like you, did everything. I didn't realize he did absolutely nothing until he left. So nothing changed there.
In time, you won't give a fuck about the OW or who is feeding your WS because you will be living your fabulous life. Continue to take the high road. I had hoped and prayed that my stbx would be held accountable ~ during the divorce proceedings and with life in general but he seems to be getting away with everything. I had to stop focusing on that because it didn't help my healing. Yes it sucks that they are getting away with it but whatevers. That will be his burden to carry. Not mine and not yours. It is more important that WE live our life authentically.