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WeepingBuddhist posted 11/18/2013 11:19 AM

I'm meeting with an attorney this week and plan to tell my WH that I am leaving the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. The last week was really difficult. I'm n honest person and not telling him now is making me nuts. If you had some lag time between deciding and telling, how did you manage?
thanks!

suckstobeme posted 11/18/2013 13:19 PM

My situation was a little different because he was already out of the house, but I never told him or warned him about when I was going to file. I just did it.

I figured he didn't deserve to know. We were no longer on the same team anymore so my choices were none of his business as long as I wasn't hurting our kids.

Think of it this way, did he tell you as he was about to have an A with OW? Did he let you in on that little secret? I'm guessing he didn't so why do you feel the need to let him in on yours? That means that your focus is still on him and you're still worried about how the surprise will make him feel. I get it. I was that was for a long time - its hard to disentangle yourself from them. At the same time, you have to be conscious of the fact that his feelings and desires and reactions don't matter anymore.

StillLivin posted 11/18/2013 13:44 PM

Weeping,
Just trying to understand your motivations.
Why exactly would you want to tell him?
If you are filing, than he isn't your friend anymore.
Would you feel "dishonest" for not telling the neighber you are filing for divorce? Would you feel "dishonest" if you didn't tell the woman helping her daughter sell stuff door to door?
I ask, because I know why I felt dishonest.
In a M, we tell each other everything. He is no longer in the marriage. He left a long time ago. You need to learn how to deprogram yourself that he is no longer the man you were once M to.
If you don't, you allow him to still control and also hurt you.
Let the process server tell him. That is their job. Not only that, WSs tend to get real real nasty once they find out the BS has had enough.
Get your ducks in a row and take care of number 1, YOU, right now.

WeepingBuddhist posted 11/18/2013 13:52 PM

Good points! It's not that he deserves honesty any longer; it's more that I don't like to be dishonest. and that it's hard for me to pretend that there is any future for us. He was talking about the different holiday parties to which we are invited and how it's great that this one couple is hosting on X day so we can go to both this year and I'm like, "oh, yeah, that's great" when really it's all I can do to not burst out with "hope you have a date".

StillLivin posted 11/18/2013 14:02 PM

Can you do NC while you are still living together? This might help you disassociate from him.
You are not being dishonest. He was. He lost all privilege of you confiding in him when he had his A.
Now, he is a complete stranger to you.
If his actions change, and he gives you true remorse and wants R, and you want R after complete remorse (not regret), then maybe advice would be different.

WeepingBuddhist posted 11/18/2013 14:05 PM

It's only two more weeks until I can tell him, but sheesh, it's hard. I'm done. I can't even imagine a scenario that would keep me in this relationship and I've got a pretty good imagination. Our next MC is the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. I'm planning on driving his car there and walking back then driving to MC together in my car (as we usually do).

sleepless34 posted 11/18/2013 17:47 PM

Pretend you are playing a role in a movie. Be an academy award winning actress. Have some fun with it. Start playing his game by being even a bigger lier.

Good Luck!

mandan66 posted 11/18/2013 18:01 PM

Remember WB at this point you don't owe him a damn thing; its all business now, take the emotion out of it. File first, tell him later. You can do it!

careerlady posted 11/18/2013 18:44 PM

I did it for about a week. When I felt bad I thought about him not telling me about his new girlfriend for the 3rd plus (cause I think there were more) time

jemimapd posted 11/18/2013 18:54 PM

I have a friend who was honest and told her husband ahead of time. She didn't want him to be blindsided and hurt.
The very next day she was served with divorce papers. Turned out he had papers waiting and ready to go in case she planned to file.
I'm not saying your husband has papers waiting. But be aware that he may react badly and turn hostile. My husband has got progressively worse as time has gone on and he has realized I am not backing down.
In your case, his ignorance is protecting you.

Phoenix1 posted 11/18/2013 19:15 PM

I get it, I really do, but you have to think strategically at this point, and sometimes that means putting on a bit of a show for the greater good - your self preservation. I HATED doing it, and I played the game of charades for several YEARS. But I knew it had to be done from a strategic standpoint. I was not about to tip my hand to him in anyway. That is totally not me, and I am an honest person. It killed me inside, but I just kept telling myself that I will get to lead my authentic life once the POS was finally out of my life. That made the end that much more sweeter for me!

Their civility can turn sour really fast and their true colors often emerge with a vengeance so beware!

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 7:19 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

WeepingBuddhist posted 11/19/2013 06:59 AM

Thanks so much for the support!

It seems unimaginable that things will turn ugly once he knows I'm leaving but then it never occurred to me that he was a lying cheater. Two more days until I meet with my lawyer and I'll know what my options are and can start planning.