SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Aqej posted 11/18/2013 12:02 PM

Okay so six months ago I left my husband for cheating on me. Everyone was really supportive and I really bonded with my friends. Three months later I found out my best friend is being the other woman for a guy who has a girlfriend. We had a huge fight about it and she said I was being too black and white about this guy and that he was just confused, not everyone is my ex etc. etc.

I ended up telling his girlfriend (who didn't believe me because of his lies) and my friend is continuing to see him and hang out with him. He's apparently told her he's going to break it off with the gf at the end of the semester.

I'm really struggling with being her friend. Her actions disgust me. Is this normal? Do you have any friends who were the other woman at some point and if so how do you not project your rage onto them?

itainteasy posted 11/18/2013 12:11 PM

I had a friend who was cheating on her boyfriend, and he in turn was cheating on his girlfriend.

I told my friend to get her head out of her ass, I'd help her remove it. She didn't. I told her I'd end our friendship, but I'd tell her boyfriend what she was doing.

She told me to "mind my own business".

I told her boyfriend. Who told the other guy's girlfriend.

My friend and her boyfriend reconciled, and she apologized to me for putting me in that position.

So, you're normal. COMPLETELY normal.

You did what you could do, by trying to tell the guy's poor BGF. If you need to back away from this girlfriend, then do it.
What she is doing is repugnant to you, and you shouldn't have to struggle with HER shit, while you're still getting through your own.

(((((Hugs)))))

StillLivin posted 11/18/2013 12:15 PM

Yes it is black and white. He is in a relationship. Period. If they both wanted to do the right thing, she would tell him she can't see him until he is completely single to do as he pleases. If he were decent, and not selfish wanting to cake eat, he would be honest with his girlfriend and break it off with her. Then he would give it a little beit of time before engaging again with another woman.
Simple.
If they both had nothing to hide, then the BF wouldn't have had to tell lies to the GF. Your friend is his dirty little secret. And, it's a 50/50 toss up whether he dumps his present girlfriend or your friend at this point. She is setting herself up for failure either way. If she "gets" the man, is he really a prize? Seems like she would be better off starting a relationship with honesty involved.
Unfortunately, your friend doesn't have good boundaries, and verly likely a poor self esteem and self worth.
Because of your own trials with your XH it is a lot harder to stomach others' poor morals and boundaries.
You have a choice here. You can stay "friends" with this woman. But she has shown she doesn't have the same morals as you. And you would always doubt her integrity. Or you can realize that she probably won't be a positive influence in your future.

strongerdaybyday posted 11/18/2013 12:19 PM

I'm really struggling with being her friend. Her actions disgust me. Is this normal?

I think so. I think the hurt from being cheated on opens your eyes big time. I know this girl (known her since I was 11!) She is having an affair w/her married boss. His wife confides in this friend about her marriage and how badly she wants her husband. My friend tells me and smirks "if she weren't so stupid/argumentative/etc etc etc he wouldn't be with me". I can't talk to her anymore because her boss is a d*ckhead and she's a wh*re. IF you're marriage is so bad then WALK AWAY!!! But my friend says, "he has too much to lose. besides, his wife MUST know - she just can't do a thing about it."

my reaction was to let the friendship go. her actions are unhealthy for me and i don't need it.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 12:21 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

Aqej posted 11/18/2013 12:27 PM

know this girl (known her since I was 11!)

Same here! We went to middle school together and we've been friends ever since. She also laughs at this girl and says that he told the girlfriend that they're not in a serious relationship and she's just crazy but when I talked to this girl she told me that she'd already talked to Micheal (cheating douchebag) and they were just fine. I showed this to my friend and she admitted that okay that was wrong of him but she's going to keep pressuring him to tell her. I'm tearing my hair out over this and she just doesn't understand why what she's doing is wrong.

StillLivin posted 11/18/2013 12:33 PM

Agej
She knows. Believe me, she knows.
You are wasting your breath and spinning your wheels. She doesn't want to accept the responsibility that she is acting like a stupid whore. She doesn't want to admit that she is being used, and she is being vicious to someone that has never done her harm.
Nobody ever wants to see themselves as the bad guy. Fortunately, most of us don't do things we have to be ashamed of.
I know I don't do anything that I wouldn't want my family to know about. It would bring shame and dishonor to our name. I just won't do that.
Sounds like you are the same.
IMHO you could be a lot healthier if you weren't spinning your wheels on someone else's issues.

painfulpast posted 11/18/2013 12:47 PM

She also laughs at this girl

This is disgusting. I wouldn’t care if she’d been my friend since we were in diapers – she’d be out of my life permanently. I assume she knows you were cheated on, and yet not only does she not care about you and what you went through, but she’s cruel and this statement and her actions prove that.

I don’t need any friends like this. She’s already proven that she has no morals and no self respect. Why would you ant to be around her?

I have no use for cheaters, period. If a close friend became OW, she’d hear from me what a whore she was being. She’d also hear from me that we were done being friends.

BeyondBreaking posted 11/18/2013 14:52 PM

I have had friends who were OW’s and didn’t see anything wrong with what they were doing.
No, I tend to not really stay friends with these types of people. The reason being is that I like having friends who share my values. People who have done this that I know- I faze them out slowly.

You did what you could by telling the BGF- what she chooses to do with the information is her decision. She will hopefully see in time who she is dating, and appreciate that you were honest with her.

heartache101 posted 11/18/2013 14:56 PM

My BFF was cheating on her husband whom I adore, BTW. Soo I told her she had 24 hours to tell him or I was. She told him and left. I begged her to stay with me and he husband begged her to stay with me. But no oh no she ran straight to the OM. She is now married to the OM who is her 2nd x husband. She is miserable why because he hadn't changed thats why! Good grief people will they ever learn!??? Oh well. So yes been there.

endlessabsurdity posted 11/18/2013 14:58 PM

After having experienced this myself, I would cut ties immediately with any friend or family member of mine that did not end their cheating immediately after I gave them a piece of my mind. Maybe I won't be so drastic later in life.... but I doubt it. One of the few good things I can take out of this experience is the ability to educate others about how much more horrible the experience is than you might imagine.