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Was the separation/divorce for the best all along?

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lynnm1947 posted 11/18/2013 13:25 PM

It's hard to see any good when your heart is breaking and you're in a crying mess ion the sofa. I didn't think I could survive splitting with the XSO.

Many years along (my rift with serial philanderer XSO was in 1998), my perspective is so so different. If he hadn't cheated and I hadn't caught him and I hadn't left him, I would not be in the wonderful place I am now. Yes, I probably still would be a very well-respected businesswoman, but I wouldn't have experienced all the personal and artistic growth that has come in the last few years. The rift made me move to Toronto where opportunities are bottomless for artists of all stripes. Moving to Toronto brought me to my present position which allows--even requires--me to attend theatre, dance and music events--many loves of my life.

I only started painting again because it was good therapy for a broken heart. I really have to wonder if his cheating didn't propel me into a much better place.

Edited to add: Can you believe, as I was typing this, my XSO called. His ears must have been on fire!!!!

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 1:26 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

lieshurt posted 11/18/2013 13:34 PM

Was the separation/divorce for the best all along?

Absolutely. I'm in a much better place and much happier now than I ever was while married.

7yrsflushed posted 11/18/2013 13:38 PM

Absolutely worth it for me! Finally free of the burden that was a serial liar and free to do whatever I choose to do with my life again.

soulsearcher4 posted 11/18/2013 13:48 PM

Yes, it was absolutely the best thing for me.

wildbananas posted 11/18/2013 14:07 PM

Absolutely the best thing... for me and the bunch. We've never once regretted it.

nutmegkitty posted 11/18/2013 14:10 PM

As excruciatingly hard and painful as my whole ordeal was, I can see now that it is for the best that I am no longer married to that NPD person. I have a beautiful house, healthy children, good job, and FREEDOM to think, act, dress, believe, and live as I choose to. It's still not easy by any means, but I'm no longer the frog in the pot of boiling water.

Brandon808 posted 11/18/2013 14:14 PM

Oh no doubt the D was best for me. My xww was/is a mess on so many levels beyond the A's.

p.s. Thankfully my step-daughter's father and his new wife are truly good people.

IrishLass518 posted 11/18/2013 15:04 PM

I would have to say yes. I would never have gone on to do many of the things I have done nor dealt with my co dependency issues. I would have continued to give up the dreams and aspirations for myself in order to further his. I wouldn't have found out so many interesting things about myself nor focused on them and truly explored who I am. I wouldn't have made the reconnectios with friends and family.

Nature_Girl posted 11/18/2013 17:15 PM

The rift made me move to Toronto where opportunities are bottomless for artists of all stripes. Moving to Toronto brought me to my present position which allows--even requires--me to attend theatre, dance and music events--many loves of my life.

I'm thinking if I ever need to move, I should become an ex-pat and go to Toronto!

259 posted 11/18/2013 17:22 PM

was the best thing ever for me.

no regrets here

Williesmom posted 11/18/2013 18:54 PM

It was for the best for me. His life has not been good since we split.

I wish I could have found this happiness without going through the soul crushing infidelity and divorce.

risingfromashes posted 11/18/2013 19:03 PM

OMG Yes! Some days I wallow in regret but for the most part this is all for the best. Have to stop kicking myself for not taking the leap sooner.


FREEDOM to think, act, dress, believe, and live as I choose to. It's still not easy by any means, but I'm no longer the frog in the pot of boiling water.

Well said NMK!

Abbondad posted 11/20/2013 05:31 AM

Thank you for this thread. I find myself rereading the responses every few days when I'm experiencing a dip in the roller coaster. Not that I have any regrets about divorcing. I had no choice if I wanted to save myself. But it is still necessary for me to know there lies happiness in my future. And this thread gives me that extra nudge.

BrokenDaisy posted 11/20/2013 07:25 AM

Lynn that is awesomw. I'm so glad you are in such a good place.


I'm not that far out and I still have many obstacles to overcome but still I can already say without a doubt in my mind it was most definitely the best thing! I would've had a miserable life with wxh and my son would've had an awful dad. Now my son has a chance at a good life without a constant negative and bad influence and who knows what else. He is flourishing and a happy busy little adventurer. I may not have everything figured out but I can breath again and that is awesome in and of itself. I have no doubt in my mind that wxh would've made my and son's life more and more miserable. I am glad to be free of him. I am just sad it happened like it did.

cmego posted 11/20/2013 07:38 AM

I think, in the long run, it will be the best thing for me. I'm almost 3 years out now and I'm in a place I never thought I would be…graduate school, own a house, dating and pretty happy. I have never gotten used to "being alone", and that still sucks sometimes.

I've learned a ton about myself, and wouldn't trade that knowledge for anything. I am smart, independent, a great mom, a great friend, and can kick the crap out of anything I decide I want to do.

I know the holidays are hard for some people, but all I can remember is how terrible they were with ex, how poorly he treated me. He was miserable having to be home with his wife and kids, and it showed. My final d-day was Christmas Day, three years ago.

So, for me, a Christmas where I get to be happy, and create happy memories for my kids is priceless. I no longer have to walk on eggshells, or bend over backwards trying to make him happy, or pay attention to me. I can just enjoy Christmas now.

ChoosingHope posted 11/20/2013 12:23 PM

I love the responses here.

I'm only 2.5 years from D-Day (and still not divorced) but YES, it was for the best.

I could list just a few reasons:
No more fear.
No more wondering why he's not home - and where he is.
No more wondering if Mr. SA is off doing something awful, and that the next knock on the door might be some crazy SA woman or the police telling me had had finally done something to get himself killed.
No more feeling completely scared of him.
Or wondering WHO he really was.
No more hiding my truth from my friends and family.
No more snooping, reading, and researching his problems.
No more spinning myself into an emotional frenzy trying to fix him!
No more focusing on HIM all the time.

I'm so thankful for my separation, and the friends and family who have supported me and my children. It's been so hard - he's made it so hard - but I've grown in so many ways, and when I'm not directly dealing with him or the Divorce from Hell, I am literally thankful for every new day without him in my house. It's like a gift.

LearningToRun posted 11/20/2013 12:41 PM

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

My life is my own and so much better.

Phoenix1 posted 11/20/2013 12:48 PM

D was official only last month, but the M was over years ago. That made daily life stressful with XPOS, when he was home. I no longer have that daily stress, no longer have to play the "strategy" game that consumed me for the greater good, no longer have to spy, no longer have to walk on eggshells, etc. It is GREAT! He was a huge anchor and was literally sucking the life out of me. D is the best thing! I still face challenges, especially the debt problems he left me with, but I get to actually take steps to resolve them without constantly fighting an uphill battle with his constant spending. One of the biggest, yet remarkably insignificant, things is simply being able to come home at a normal time from work. I used to hide in my office until late in the evenings simply to avoid being around him at home. I am still, pleasantly, adjusting to that!

ChoosingHope posted 11/20/2013 14:18 PM

One of the biggest, yet remarkably insignificant, things is simply being able to come home at a normal time from work. I used to hide in my office until late in the evenings simply to avoid being around him at home. I am still, pleasantly, adjusting to that!

I read this and thought YES. But in my case, I would wait around at work, waiting for him every night. He would mysteriously need to work later and later. Sometimes I would stand outside his office. All his colleagues would walk by me -- they would say that he had already gone home.

But the whole time he was holed up in his office, making SA phone calls.

I still shake my head at my denial - and the humiliation of it all.

Never again. My 2.5 year separation/divorce was all worth it for these sorts of moments alone.

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 3:00 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 11/20/2013 14:58 PM

There's a line in a Rhianna song "Stay" - I don't much like the rest of it but this one line gave me an aha moment:

"Funny, you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving"

I should have left long before DD but it was a case of not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave. I'm loyal to a fault - I stick to my commitments. This worked against me in a toxic and emotionally abusive M. Like the proverbial frog boiled slowly it didn't happen overnight and I was a master rug sweeper long before I heard the term here. A part of my FOO was becoming invisible in times of stress/danger.

It is absolutely for the best. I wish it had happened before we had children. I wish it wasn't due to infidelity - I thought that mountain of salt in the wound kill me or turn me into stone.

I lost myself in that quagmire. Rediscovering myself has been one of the surprising delights out of this whole mess. There are diamonds to be found here.

I think anyone can appear healthy in a healthy situation - my long-dormant FOO toxic coping mechanisms kicked in once the situation became unhealthy.

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