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obsessed with prostitutes!

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letitout posted 11/18/2013 13:38 PM

I canít get the prostitutes off my mind. He saw several, but 2 of them he saw LT. 1 for one year and one for another. He took them on vacations, sex parties and such. He treated them as a real A. He thought he cared for them and thought they cared for him back. It was fun, exciting and talk and all that goes on in A. In my eyes he made an ass of himself. They were probably laughing behind his back the whole time they went to the bank.

Iím 10 months out and we are trying to R. I think he is coming out of the fog. He said it was just this month he has come to realize now that he feels foolish and he thinks they probably felt disgusted when they were with him. He equated it with changing the oil. You have to get your hands dirty to get the money. I was so happy to hear him finally say that. It made me want to cry.

I want to believe him. I really do, but something is holding me back. Why do I not want to believe him? Is it because he has lied to me for 2 years and it took 10 months TT and Fog? Why canít I let go of the hurt and move forward. Is it because I know at the time he did feel all those things for them and he can say all he wants that he feels foolish now, but back then he didn't and that is what drives me crazy.

Iím obsessed with the prostitutes.

I know where one of the prostitutes work. Yes some of them have other jobs. I called her place of employment and didn't ask to talk to her. I just said does so and so work here. They said yes. I want to call her out. I looked up her FB. I am obsessed with outing her.

I also want to find the other LT prostitute. I know what she does for the other part of her living and it would take a while but I would find her.

I know they are not worth it. I know that. Why am I doing this to myself?

I guess I just need someone to tell me to quit focusing on it. How in the world do you do that? I have exercised to extreme and pain. I bury myself in a book. I keep busy, I meditate, I drink, I take AD. I go to IC and MC. I journal. I tape positive messages on my fridge. I read self help books. Go out with friends. Is it just time I need or am I a spiteful vindictive person.

I fear that if I donít get over this I will drive myself crazy and ruin R.

My H lets me talk and talk about it and tries to reassure me. I have self esteem issues because they were 20 and he is 64. Who would want me after being with a 20 yo? My H sayís he does.

I need to get them off my mind. I truly am going crazy. I am on edge all the time.

Please tell me their not worth my energy. I know they donít even have thoughts of my H. He was only one of mmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

I donít even know why Iím posting this. My thoughts are jumbled. My H reads my posts so maybe you have some answers for him also how to handle this because itís driving him crazy also.

hardtimesinlife posted 11/18/2013 13:47 PM

Just sending a hug.
(((letitout)))
I've been there and understand your thinking. It's almost as if you can't finish the healing because the OW wasn't - or can't be - accountable too. I mean, crap, they were just doing their job. They wouldn't even have that job if not for the customers so it all comes back to the "customer".

edited to add:
You can't compare yourself to a 20 year old. You are so much more than she could ever be.

[This message edited by hardtimesinlife at 1:49 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

thepilgrim posted 11/18/2013 15:58 PM

I think you should look at the present and see what is happening in your life. Is your marriage healing and getting stronger after your partnerís waywardness? If so, I think you should work on healing your soul to have a brighter future with your partner - unless you want something different.

Dwelling in the past, on a time that was depressing or terrifying, does not help the healing process.

letitout posted 11/18/2013 16:59 PM

Yes, hartimesinlife, I do want them to be accountable. I feel that they should feel what they have done to me. What they are doing to countless of other women. I also want my money back. My H says it wasn't good, so if there is a fly in your soup, you get your money back. right?

pilgram, yes my M is getting stronger. I think that in a sick way, it has brought our poor old M out in the open and now we can fix it, so I know that I should be focusing on the future, but dammit, I can never be what they were to him. 20, no cares, excitement, fantasist sex with one. He gets to come home to a real life full of real problems with kids and family. How long do you think he will stay with that? I know he fantasizes about parts of it. He told me about how much he liked the sex parties. How can I compete with sex parties?

selkiescot posted 11/18/2013 17:08 PM

((((((((Letitout))))))) What you're feeling is normal We all become obsessed with the OW. It's part of the healing process and you will get better. Are you in Counseling? That might help you redirect some of the anxiety. Try getting some good exercise like walking or karate. Remember this will get better. it takes years to recover from betrayl.

selkiescot posted 11/18/2013 17:08 PM

((((((((Letitout))))))) What you're feeling is normal We all become obsessed with the OW. It's part of the healing process and you will get better. Are you in Counseling? That might help you redirect some of the anxiety. Try getting some good exercise like walking or karate. Remember this will get better. it takes years to recover from betrayl.

1devastedmom posted 11/18/2013 18:02 PM

I know this won't be a popular answer but I say out them if you can. Who cares if it was just a "job". They are homewreckers like every other OW. I found out personal info about my husband's favorite whore and outed her to her family and friends. I sent letters to all of her neighbors letting them know that she was a prostitute and you know what? It felt good! I also gave all her information to the police department. I only wish I could've done it to all the whores. People that say prostitution is a victimless crime don't know what they're talking about. Maybe if every wife did the same thing they'd think twice before getting into the business. And saying that they're just doing their job is like saying it's not the drug dealers fault that they sell drugs because they're just providing a service to the drug addicts. Prostitutes are just as bad as drug dealers in my book.

[This message edited by 1devastedmom at 6:17 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

thepilgrim posted 11/18/2013 18:09 PM

I am with hardtimesinlife, a 60+ guy cannot relate to a 20 year old gal. Beyond the exchange of sex for $$ there truly is nothing there.

You are much more than a 20 year old.

[This message edited by thepilgrim at 6:11 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

letitout posted 11/18/2013 18:41 PM

pilgrim: For 2 years this 64 year old man "related" with 20 yr olds. Hell, he even took them on vacations. How much more relating can that be? It wasn't just a few ONS (although he did that at first). It was 2 long term relationships, the out to lunches, the kisses goodby. The car phone conversation where he called her hon. and lied to my son about it being a girl from work.

There was defiantly relating going on.

iwillNOT posted 11/18/2013 19:21 PM

Well, I concede that he may have thought there was relating going on...that just means the whores were good at the care and feeding of their cash cow. Business on their end, and a gullible old man(to them) on his end.

LonelySilhouette posted 11/18/2013 19:21 PM

The "relating" was fake. Your wh just didn't see it at the time. They didn't care about him. They cared about his money.

I know it seems like it was fun and exciting, but in reality it was sick and pathetic and delusional.

I know your pain and your obsession. I have spent way too many hours on the internet looking at the prostitutes my wh saw. I even read a prostitute forum (and I know another member here does, too). It's just so foreign to me that I am seeking to understand it.

But I can say I'm doing it less and less as time goes by.

letitout posted 11/18/2013 19:37 PM

Well, I concede that he may have thought there was relating going on...that just means the whores were good at the care and feeding of their cash cow. Business on their end, and a gullible old man(to them) on his end
.

Yea, I can see that. Actually my H can see that also, I just have a hard time believing it because at the time it was so real for him.

I know it seems like it was fun and exciting, but in reality it was sick and pathetic and delusional.

I think I can find peace someday at the end of this tunnel. I want my M to work and I realize that there can't be 20 yo's participating it it. That is another reason that I have banned porn in my house. No more 20 yo f*&^%ing in my house.

brooke4 posted 11/19/2013 05:53 AM


I don't have personal advice about prostitutes, but my advice, for what it's worth, is don't make any decisions of any kind right now. Tell yourself you'll re-visit outing them in six or even twelve months. I think whether you do or not is totally up to you, but it should be a decision made with a clearer head.

I see you mentioned being in IC and MC. Is your H in IC?

letitout posted 11/19/2013 10:42 AM

I agree I should think about it in a clearer head. IDK why lately it's been so intense, My H is in IC. He didn't want to at first but once he started he has become a different man. He is kind and compassionate to me now and I wouldn't want to do anything to stop our progress. But the thoughts are intense. I'm going to try to write positive thoughts on our refridge to remind myself what I have. Perhaps that will help. I need all the help I can get. It's exhausted thinking about it all the time.

atsenaotie posted 11/19/2013 11:08 AM

letitout,

I have self esteem issues because they were 20 and he is 64. Who would want me after being with a 20 yo? My H sayís he does.

For me, and I know for many men, it is the person we love and want, not the body they are in. Over our years FWW has been very heavy and very thin, she has aged, she has picked up scars, and sags, and wrinkles. These all have bothered her very much, but when I felt love for her they never had much impact on my desire for her.

Love between partners creates desire for emotional and physical intimacy, a desire to remove barriers from between two people. It make people attractive to us in all ways.

As your WH has learned, the opposite is not true. An attractive (?) body did not lead to intimacy and love. He had to create all sorts of fantasies and miss-beliefs as barriers to the reality of his relationship with these sex workers.

If the two of you desire and are are successful in R, then he will no more be put off by any imperfections in your body than you will continue to be put off by the imperfections in him.

FWIW, as a mature man with life experience, I find mature women much more attractive than the young women I was attraccted to in my 20s, and I know I am not the only man who feels this way.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:03 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

painpaingoaway posted 11/19/2013 11:54 AM

Beautifully stated atsenaotie, and so nice to hear coming from a man. I know I my desire for my H has never wavered as he has aged, when I look at him my mind sees the same guy I fell in love with 35 yrs ago, but I have never been able to believe he felt the same way about me, so this is nice to hear coming from a man.

Letitout, please know that your feelings are completely normal. I can not tell you how long I writhed in torment over FWH's whore. The pain will ease with time, but it will take a very very long time. Will it ever go away completely? I don't really think so, at least not for me. But I have learned to deal with it. It sucks.

One thing that just amazes me about these old fools and the 20-something whores is this: we all know good and damned well that these young girls are totally repulsed by these old farts, and we know that these men know that too....but THEY DON'T CARE!!!! I really believe they don't care. As long as the girls don't actually come out and tell them that they are disgusted by them, these old guys just go with the fantasy, and don't seem to care that they are being mind fucked as long as they are getting a real fuck at the same time. It is completely delusional behavior. It would be comical if not for the collateral damage.

Take a look at my YouTube movie in my tag line, and maybe have a little laugh over it.

letitout posted 11/19/2013 15:32 PM

atsenaotie:

FWIW, as a mature man with life experience, I find mature women much more attractive than the young women I was attraccted to in my 20s, and I know I am not the only man who feels this way.

I'm glad to hear you say that. My H wanted me to have a tummy tuck after his experiences. In my mind I know that had to do with him being with 20 yo smooth bellies, but later said my tummy was ok. I wanted to have a breast augmentation but my H didn't want me to, so I guess it evens out.

He also said he couldn't be with someone who wasn't fit or someone his own age, but he doesn't remember saying that. Heaven forbid if I can't exercise anymore and I will never be his own age so I don't have to worry about that.

painpaingoaway: Your ytube video was absolutely funny and right on in my situtation! My H kept saying he liked them because they were nice to him. He thought they were nice to him because of HIM. They liked HIM. While he was in the fog I kept saying it's their job to be nice so you would come back. He would argue with me and say stupid thing about it. He was in denial. He now knows they were nice because of the money. Nothing else. All was a big fantasy on his part.

I'm glad that my H knows now for what it was. He didn't for a long time and that bothered me a lot. Talking to you all has helped me take some of the sting out of it and I feel less obsessed about it today. Tomorrow may be different, but now I feel ok. Thanks to you all.

letitout posted 11/19/2013 15:38 PM

Oh yea, and this:

One thing that just amazes me about these old fools and the 20-something whores is this: we all know good and damned well that these young girls are totally repulsed by these old farts, and we know that these men know that too....but THEY DON'T CARE!!!!

My H didn't see that they were probably repulsed by him for the longest time. Then last week he woke up and told me they probably were repulsed and that made him feel foolish.

Butterfly24 posted 11/19/2013 16:24 PM

My wh also cheated with a prostitute. I believe if I knew who she was I would out her. I tried to get him to tell me, give me her #, but he said he threw it away after it happened.

I searched cl for months to see if I could find out who it was. I couldn't. All I knew was the ad was in Spanish and had a phone #. I only found one in all my searching, but it was the wrong town.

Maybe he was lying to me, he probably was, but if I could have figured it out I would have probably outted her. I think I also would have called her.

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