Here's a question: Did you see red flags with STBXH when you guys were dating but ignored them? Give him the benefit of the doubt?
Honestly, there were only two things and they were so minor. He had a problem with selfishness, but he really worked hard to counter it. I though, hmmmm, I have a problem with being physically violent. I always will, I was tortured, and emotionally and verbally abused as a kid. Physical violence is my wanna go to. I work with it. I go spar in the gym and beat up a willing victim or I go workout and beat up the weights. I had learned a healthier way of coping. I learned that anger is ok, so long as I acted upon it appropriately.
He learned that to be selfish was ok, so long as he didn't act selfish and made better choices.
It wasn't until we had been together a couple of years. He went through a family tragedy, depression, long bout of heavy drinking. When he csme through the other end, he was bitter, angry, and took it out on me in many passive aggressive and selfish ways. So, those two things really weren't very big flags. I had to rack my brains really hard in counseling to even locate those memories because they were so low on the richter scale of red flags. Other than that, he was a fantastic H the first 2+ years of our marriage.
But after his 2 other years of depression and tragedy, yeah, lots of red flags after that. He gave up on God, our M, himself.
Waiting to date is probably not such a bad idea. Focusing on your healing and pampering yourself instead of pleasing someone else. I need my own advice!!!!! LOL
Amen, Sister! I plan on waiting a long time. Or at least until I've thoroughly learned to put myself first forevermore!
Fireproof and Sad, I concur with EVERYTHING you have said, and I'm working on it all! Best of all, I'm doing it for myself.