DD12 likes to look over my shoulder when I'm on the laptop and asked what surviving infidelity meant.
I mumbled "i dunno." and changed the site.
Then she asked what SI meant today to WH5 and wondered if SI Forums was a work thing or a home thing. Because it reminded her of mom's home and garden page.
At this point I am going to stay off the purple boards til she's in bed, for fear she looks up the word and REALLY starts asking questions.
No answers, just moral support.
The joy of having a smart kid.
[This message edited by Kajem at 7:47 PM, November 18th (Monday)]
Our jaws hit the floor, and we asked him to elaborate. He said, "SI is 'sexual intercourse'".
Although we had to have a conversation about that, at least we didn't have to have a conversation about this web site. Whew!
Best of luck to you and WH5. Your daughter sounds like a smart cookie.
((BR and WH5))
He said, "SI is 'sexual intercourse'".
When DD is home from school I take the laptop into the bedroom and can't pop on here in between everything I do in my life . Which is why I'm on here a lot less when she's home.
He knows what happened and some of the "why".
He knows I found an online community to help me thru all that mess.
We talk about "SI" in the house all the time and he knows exactly what I'm talking about. He likes to look at the pictures sometimes (when I show him)
Obviously our situation is different because FWSO was gone for 15 months and then came back and all that had to be explained.
I don't have a whole lot of advice.... I guess it depends on your individual situations and the maturity level of your kids.
I know you know all this. I guess I'm trying to break down the word infidelity into issues that can be explained to and understood by a 12yo without going into detail and still give a reasonable explanation that won't leave her looking for more answers.
In all seriousness, as the mother of two older teens and one around that age, I hate to say this, but I think the fact that your DD has mentioned this site twice, sort of means she may actually be asking you something else. I think she has an inkling of what it means--frankly, I think most twelve year olds who are readers or have a decent vocabulary probably do--and she wants to know what's going on.
I also have to say, in my opinion, you are going to have to meet this head on - if she doesn't know what surviving infidelity is now, I am guessing that she will by next week.
For what it's worth, my children don't know about my H's affair and we don't plan to tell them. But I do think that if couples make the decision not to tell the children, it needs to be in full view and with awareness of any FOO issues around secrets, withholding of truth, honesty, etc. Since my FWH certainly came from a household of secrets, we debated long and hard about what was likely to be more damaging--telling the kids or having them grow up with a secret in their midst. I don't regret the decision, and this far out, I don't think it's harmed them, but if they had stumbled across anything, I don't know how we would have handled it. It's a bit of a tossup between information that the kids don't need and feeling like you're kind of gaslighting them.
For most of us, hiding an uncomfortable truth feels much safer than meeting it head on. I do want to make it clear that I'm NOT advocating telling your DD anything right now--just trying to lay down some food for thought.
Sorry, if this sounds like a downer. It's not meant to be.
[This message edited by brooke4 at 5:45 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]
I think my son caught me on purple SI one time way back. I blew it off gave him some other thing to think of. Gotta love the gift of AdHd.
..and dad's...and people who aren't parent's..and everyone in between....
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I delete history and hide my iPad whenever they are home. However, our DD, who is now 19 and admittedly nosy, snooped at my Amazon history, which I thought I had erased, and saw all the books I had ordered on CSA, for boys. She told her older brother and did not mention it for months. It eventually came up, however.
That actually turned out okay, since part of the pathology around CSA is the feeling that everything needs to be secret, that the survivor needs to feel ashamed. She sat down and talked to her dad (with our ICs blessing) and it was very healing. They both cried. She actually understands him better, and it gives some context to the counseling sessions and the profound changes she has seen in her father. She is very proud of him.
DS has not been home long enough to have this conversation in person; we've spoken a bit on the phone. Hopefully this will happen over Thanksgiving.
This is why I went out and bought my own iPad and it is locks and kids know it's off limits.
HOWEVER my oldest was getting copies of all WW's text to my as we share the same iTunes account. I thought it was the other way around - I receiving DS's test. AGAIN CLEARLY NOT GREAT AT THIS SHIT! Had to sit down with him and discuss. He said he knew nothing, but I am afraid he just did not want to talk about it. More terrible consequences of WW's brokenness.
But I fully understand a reluctance to share this with them.
I keep thinking about how to adjust the program when DD gets old enough to have it on her radar.
If your DD really pushes, or looks it up on her own, could you tell her the (partial) truth and say that you and WH5 volunteer here to help people who are struggling with life stuff? She may not ask about your personal experience if you give her an answer that addresses the content to the point that she doesn't feel like it's mysterious anymore.... Just a thought.
Let us know how this goes.
(((BR & WH5)))