SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

BrokenRoad posted 11/18/2013 19:05 PM

I only post this because you guys understand and may have advice.

DD12 likes to look over my shoulder when I'm on the laptop and asked what surviving infidelity meant.
I mumbled "i dunno." and changed the site.

Then she asked what SI meant today to WH5 and wondered if SI Forums was a work thing or a home thing. Because it reminded her of mom's home and garden page.

At this point I am going to stay off the purple boards til she's in bed, for fear she looks up the word and REALLY starts asking questions.

Ugh.
---BR

TrustedHer posted 11/18/2013 19:28 PM

((BR))

No answers, just moral support.

Kajem posted 11/18/2013 19:45 PM

((((((BR)))))))

The joy of having a smart kid.

[This message edited by Kajem at 7:47 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

LosferWords posted 11/18/2013 20:11 PM

No words of advice, but we almost thought we were in the same boat a few months ago. Our DS9 walked up to us an announced, "I know what SI is!"

Our jaws hit the floor, and we asked him to elaborate. He said, "SI is 'sexual intercourse'".

Although we had to have a conversation about that, at least we didn't have to have a conversation about this web site. Whew!

Best of luck to you and WH5. Your daughter sounds like a smart cookie.

((BR and WH5))

painpaingoaway posted 11/18/2013 20:15 PM

He said, "SI is 'sexual intercourse'".

authenticnow posted 11/18/2013 21:17 PM

I was asking WH5 about your kids' knowledge of SI at the g2g. He said you guys told them it was work stuff. Obviously that's not going to fly anymore.

When DD is home from school I take the laptop into the bedroom and can't pop on here in between everything I do in my life . Which is why I'm on here a lot less when she's home.

jrc1963 posted 11/18/2013 21:22 PM

DS12 was right in the middle of everything that happened when FWSO left in 2009.

He knows what happened and some of the "why".

He knows I found an online community to help me thru all that mess.

We talk about "SI" in the house all the time and he knows exactly what I'm talking about. He likes to look at the pictures sometimes (when I show him)

Obviously our situation is different because FWSO was gone for 15 months and then came back and all that had to be explained.

I don't have a whole lot of advice.... I guess it depends on your individual situations and the maturity level of your kids.

jo2love posted 11/18/2013 22:23 PM

I call SI "the home and garden" website. DD asked if it's all about flowers. I told her it's a great site that people can receive support when they are going through a rough time. Also, that people can talk about everyday stuff like spf or when I need help with her homework.

Kajem posted 11/18/2013 23:16 PM

Infidelity is a betrayal. There are many forms of betrayal, physical, emotional, financial to name the ones that quickly come to mind. There is also a betrayal of trust (as in telling lies).

I know you know all this. I guess I'm trying to break down the word infidelity into issues that can be explained to and understood by a 12yo without going into detail and still give a reasonable explanation that won't leave her looking for more answers.

Hugs,

HardenMyHeart posted 11/19/2013 00:20 AM

Outside of this website, SI usually refers to Sports Illustrated.

refuz2bavictim posted 11/19/2013 01:57 AM

Unless of course you have an aspiring dancer....it refers to "Summer Intensive"

brooke4 posted 11/19/2013 05:43 AM

Warning: this reply may not belong in OT, if not, mods, please feel free to delete it.

In all seriousness, as the mother of two older teens and one around that age, I hate to say this, but I think the fact that your DD has mentioned this site twice, sort of means she may actually be asking you something else. I think she has an inkling of what it means--frankly, I think most twelve year olds who are readers or have a decent vocabulary probably do--and she wants to know what's going on.

I also have to say, in my opinion, you are going to have to meet this head on - if she doesn't know what surviving infidelity is now, I am guessing that she will by next week.

For what it's worth, my children don't know about my H's affair and we don't plan to tell them. But I do think that if couples make the decision not to tell the children, it needs to be in full view and with awareness of any FOO issues around secrets, withholding of truth, honesty, etc. Since my FWH certainly came from a household of secrets, we debated long and hard about what was likely to be more damaging--telling the kids or having them grow up with a secret in their midst. I don't regret the decision, and this far out, I don't think it's harmed them, but if they had stumbled across anything, I don't know how we would have handled it. It's a bit of a tossup between information that the kids don't need and feeling like you're kind of gaslighting them.

For most of us, hiding an uncomfortable truth feels much safer than meeting it head on. I do want to make it clear that I'm NOT advocating telling your DD anything right now--just trying to lay down some food for thought.

Sorry, if this sounds like a downer. It's not meant to be.

(((((big hugs)))))

[This message edited by brooke4 at 5:45 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

SI Staff posted 11/19/2013 13:07 PM

Moved to General

tushnurse posted 11/19/2013 13:11 PM

All I can say is thank god for the skins. It has saved my ass more than once.

I think my son caught me on purple SI one time way back. I blew it off gave him some other thing to think of. Gotta love the gift of AdHd.

confused615 posted 11/19/2013 13:40 PM

DS10 saw it on my kindle..he glanced at it and asked,"what's surviving identity?" I said, "Oh it's just a website for mom's."

..and dad's...and people who aren't parent's..and everyone in between....

catlover50 posted 11/19/2013 13:57 PM

We have not told our children about the A. They knew about the supposed EA, since I had decided to divorce, but were both in college during DDay #2. Since we decided to reconcile we did not tell them.

I delete history and hide my iPad whenever they are home. However, our DD, who is now 19 and admittedly nosy, snooped at my Amazon history, which I thought I had erased, and saw all the books I had ordered on CSA, for boys. She told her older brother and did not mention it for months. It eventually came up, however.

That actually turned out okay, since part of the pathology around CSA is the feeling that everything needs to be secret, that the survivor needs to feel ashamed. She sat down and talked to her dad (with our ICs blessing) and it was very healing. They both cried. She actually understands him better, and it gives some context to the counseling sessions and the profound changes she has seen in her father. She is very proud of him.

DS has not been home long enough to have this conversation in person; we've spoken a bit on the phone. Hopefully this will happen over Thanksgiving.

Bikingguy posted 11/19/2013 16:26 PM

Right after Dday I left this site open on the family iPad. Clearly I am not as good at covering my tracks as WW

This is why I went out and bought my own iPad and it is locks and kids know it's off limits.

HOWEVER my oldest was getting copies of all WW's text to my as we share the same iTunes account. I thought it was the other way around - I receiving DS's test. AGAIN CLEARLY NOT GREAT AT THIS SHIT! Had to sit down with him and discuss. He said he knew nothing, but I am afraid he just did not want to talk about it. More terrible consequences of WW's brokenness.

Bigger posted 11/19/2013 17:15 PM

Broken and WH5…
I’m split on this one.
On one hand I understand wanting your privacy on this issue…
On the other;
Our prime role as parents is getting our kids ready to deal with life. And as we know life can be a bitch. I think it’s inevitable that people meet difficulties and that’s where it’s so important for our kids to see us as parents deal with the difficulties and do so successfully.
You two dealt with your marriages infidelity issues in an admirable way. To me there is no shame in what happened for either of you but a lot of good, a lot of hard work and a lot of commitment. So in a way I see a lot of great lessons for the kids in the work you two did.

But I fully understand a reluctance to share this with them.

steadfast1973 posted 11/19/2013 17:26 PM

We have not told DDs, 12 and 10. They knew last time, that dad hurt mom's feelings pretty badly. That he lied and had to earn trust. Our fights were loud and epic.

Jrazz posted 11/19/2013 17:39 PM

That's a tricky thing, isn't it.

I keep thinking about how to adjust the program when DD gets old enough to have it on her radar.

If your DD really pushes, or looks it up on her own, could you tell her the (partial) truth and say that you and WH5 volunteer here to help people who are struggling with life stuff? She may not ask about your personal experience if you give her an answer that addresses the content to the point that she doesn't feel like it's mysterious anymore.... Just a thought.

Let us know how this goes.

(((BR & WH5)))