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Violetta posted 11/18/2013 20:06 PM

A few months ago, I came here devastated that my husband of almost 10 years (and father of my three young children) was leaving me for a co-worker. I was desperate to win him back and keep my marriage together.

He had zero interest in even ATTEMPTING to fix things. He moved out two days after he told me about her, and filed for divorce less than two months later. I couldn't imagine that life could go on. He told me at one point, "I hope you can find someone who makes you happy." I said, "YES, THAT WILL BE SOOOOOO EASY NOW THAT I'M 37 AND HAVE THREE LITTLE KIDS!"

Well, I'm happy to report that I wouldn't take my ex back on a silver platter. He has shown himself to be a despicable human being -- I don't know what happened to the caring father and husband he used to be, but that man sure doesn't exist now.

I went out on a TON of dates, and I've gotten past the "kid in a candy shop" phase and am seeing a guy who is absolutely amazing and terrific. He treats me like a queen and thinks I am the most stunningly beautiful woman who's ever walked the earth. And as a bonus, everyone who's seen him thinks I've upgraded BIGTIME. (My ex was not a tremendously attractive man. He was also extremely skinny -- and very sensitive about it -- while new guy is very buff. Lol.)

The best part is that new guy and I are able to be public with our relationship and proud of it, while STBXH and OW are still sneaking around, months later. STBXH's parents have been clear that they never want to see her or meet her. In fact, they know more about my relationship with my new boyfriend than they do about their son's relationship with his "girlfriend." And he lives with them!!

gma56 posted 11/18/2013 23:10 PM

Take it slow sweetie ! You are still very early into this shitstorm that will circle around and hit you again. Most of us here has been through many setbacks after separation.

Be wise and protect your kids from new love interests until you know that person will be around for a long term relationship. They don't need to be exposed to more changes in their short lives. OPs will come and go but your kids are forever.
Just be careful of your heart, it's not healed yet and it can be broken in a second.

Violetta posted 11/19/2013 04:12 AM

Gma, thank you for your wise words. Our feelings for each other a pretty strong, but we're both very conscious of the fact that we can be easily hurt right now and need to not rush things.

movingforward13 posted 11/19/2013 09:52 AM

Please tread slow... Infatuation and rebound are very common after a separation.

She11ybeanz posted 11/19/2013 12:04 PM

Oh my..... you filed for divorce on 8/15/13?? This year? That was only 3 months ago honey!

Soft 2x4:(What movingforward13 said) - My lucky number is 13 btw!

Please tread slow... Infatuation and rebound are very common after a separation.

I TOO made the mistake of dating while separated.... and fell head over heels with a guy that I thought was perfect...great chemistry...beautiful....treated me amazingly.... and then one day.... I fell flat on my proverbial rebounding FACE! He ended up being a player and poofed on me because he was seeing another girl at the same time. Broken tends to attract broken.

I'm not saying this guy couldn't be perfect "for you" and everything you could ever want and you could just be EXTREMELY lucky and be the exception to the rule. But, unfortunately..... most of us are not the exception. We are the majority. And the majority of the time... when you don't take the time out for yourself to heal.... yourself.... and move on from the damage that our XSO did to us from infidelity and the like... we just end up attracting the same kind of hurt....or worse. I actually ended up meeting my daughter's sperm donor a few weeks after my divorce was final (different guy) and thought I was ready to date then.... WRONG. He ended up being even worse than my XWH!! But, he gave me my daughter..... and even though she was a HUGE surprise and not planned..... I know God brought him into my life so that I could finally find the love of my life.... My little 15 month old Piper boo!

Like the famous quote from the book "He's just not that into you" says:

”Maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.”

Good luck sweetie....and I hope that everything works out with this new guy and your new beginning is healthy and happy!

StillLivin posted 11/19/2013 14:25 PM

What the others have said.
Your story is a little similar to mine. I filed for LS end of May. He was served in Aug. I've been asked on dates, I've chosen to decline because I'm just not ready. It's been almost 5 months since I filed and almost 3 since he moved out.
Enjoy your time with your friend, but please protect your heart and watch for red flags. Is he selfless, is he considerate? Does he do the little things, not the big grand love bombing things. Just remember, lovebombing is also a sign of desperation and low self esteem.
I honestly couldn't imagine going on a ton of dates or even one for another several more months.
And 37 is not old. I'm 43. We are NOT old. I don't even have a single wrinkle yet.
Just don't let yourself get hurt.

wildbananas posted 11/19/2013 17:57 PM

I'm another one who dated waaaaaaaay too soon after S/D. I picked the first guy who showed interest in me and thought he was the opposite of ex-asshat and thought he treated me so much better. Really, the biggest thing he had going for him was he WASN'T ex-asshat.

It took years to untangle me from that abusive jerk. He was worse than ex-asshat and I wasn't healed/healthy enough to see it. I finally ditched him and spent almost two years solo which was the best thing I could have done. It really helped me get my head on straight.

Your new guy very well may be awesome... just go slow. If he's the one for you, he'll stick around.

myperfectlife posted 11/19/2013 19:41 PM

I am in a similar boat, but my Divorce is now final.
I have been on a few dates.
I think as long as you're aware of the situation and having a good time,not going crazy involving the kids and being responsible about things...then why not enjoy yourself.
You may have only filed in August (I only filed in July), but my situation has been going on for 7 long months.
That's a long time to have this crisis take over my life. It is all I have eaten, breathed and slept.
Honestly, I am sick of it.
I go out to have a good time (dinner, movie) and to get my mind off this in order to heal.
I am making no promises to anyone, nor are they making promises to me.
Yes, be careful, but you should ALWAYS be careful-whether it's been a few months, or a few years.
Everyone deserves a little happiness.

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