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vivere posted 11/18/2013 20:55 PM

I'm feeling discontent, for no apparent reason. I feel as though something is missing perhaps?

After months of wandering from R to D to R again I feel satisfied that no decision will be necessary until the youngest has finished school (just over 2 years). WH and I get along quite well so this should not be too difficult. We can use this time to rebuild.

I find I get really sad less and less frequently and bounce back more quickly than before. I no longer check WH email or phone, not so much because I now trust him but more for my own sanity as I know this is a false reassurance so to speak and if he wants to cheat, he will. I no longer spend most of my waking hours thinking of how he betrayed me and the family. All good things, I just thought I'd be feeling more enthusiastic about the future by now.

WH is trying. He organised a night away for the two of us, something special and it was lovely. He sends me texts 'thinking of you' during the work days. He attends IC (though we never speak of his sessions, this is difficult for me but I respect his privacy). He is more involved in the kids lives and helps out more at home BUT I still feel like something is NQR. And, no, I don't think he is involved in any extra marital activities.

The 'working on us' is missing. We have weeks end to end of friendship, laughing and sex. WH thinks 'we' are doing well. I don't feel overly 'connected' or very 'special'. I feel like I'm going through life like a friend with benefits. Things could be much worse, I know.

I've re-evaluated my thoughts on marriage. I've abandoned the 'fairytale' and think I am much more realistic post A. Perhaps I still have work to do in this area?

I don't want his A's to be deal breakers. I never have wanted this. Given that I determine what is and isn't a deal breaker, surely I have control over this? I hoping some of you will identify and reassure me that this is 'just a phase and it passes', or 'if you do xyz it may help because it helped me'. I just feel a bit 'meh'.

MakingLemonade posted 11/18/2013 21:57 PM


What an awkward place to be. So from what you say here, you feel he is going through the motions? I read your profile. Perhaps he is holding on for youngest's graduation also with plans to part then? Stabbing in the dark for you. There's really no way to know.

RightTrack posted 11/18/2013 22:17 PM

My WH has been doing the similarly "good things" but I still feel that something is missing. I think that "something" is real empathy. I feel like he needs to get down into the depths and really know what his betrayal feels like to me. I tell him my triggers, if he really wanted to show me empathy he would start to anticipate them, maybe even share a few of his own (something like, "I feel uncomfortable because we are passing the hotel where whore and I had sex week-end, I'm sorry." Or "Please change the channel, whore and I watched that movie and I can't bear to see it, I'm sorry." Some kind of combination of letting me in to the relationship they had and showing me that memories of it make him sick.

He doesn't do that though (and yes, I have told him that this would help me). My WH "can't remember anything about his 2 yr affair".

vivere posted 11/19/2013 02:22 AM

oh MakingLemonade - that's something I had not even considered. That's quite possible.

(RightTrack)- The 'I can't remember' line is so frustrating. I've heard it as well. Good Luck with R.

stillprettyupset posted 11/19/2013 04:35 AM

I just felt an overpowering feeling of love and kinship with each of you. And a tinge of fear. My coping mechanism has always been to disconnect and become aloof...apart. It sounds like I might have written this instead of Viv, except you are much farther along in this process than I am. Which is a warning to me, to commit all in or get out quickly because the coping strategy has never really worked for me. Forgiving and letting go of the affair is really different than ignoring that it may still be happening or that your WH isn't being remorseful. I'm sure you are tired of the constant checking and detective work. You may even feel guilty for being "sneaky" trying to prove his innocence or continued guilt. Have you mentioned your feelings to IC? It almost sounds like you have buried it to control the pain, but you are still hurting.

steadfast1973 posted 11/19/2013 07:49 AM

My wh will never have privacy, again. He signed away his right to privacy when we married... And any priviledge i gave him to privacy, after that, he ruined. This shit he does affects me, what they talk about in IC affects me, and I have a right to know. I won't sneak around and spy... And If he ever gives me reason to do so, again, he will be gone.

Kierst13 posted 11/19/2013 09:56 AM

The 'working on us' is missing. We have weeks end to end of friendship, laughing and sex. WH thinks 'we' are doing well. I don't feel overly 'connected' or very 'special'.

What are the down times like? The times that are painful or simply normal; not the fun and good times. When you are in the same room and nobody is talking; is it awkward?

I found I needed to look at the hard times and simply existing times when we were together to get a clear picture of who he was and who we were together.

befuzzled110 posted 11/19/2013 10:21 AM

Your post resonated with me. I truly understand what you are saying. Are you in counseling yourself? Maybe talking with someone about these feelings, or lack of connectedness, would help? Also, why aren't you two in counseling together? Or maybe you are, though it doesn't sound like it from your post. I believe the same thing, as in if I control what I believe the deal breakers are, then I should be able to control how I feel about the aftermath. But that doesn't change the feeling of disconnectedness. The wonderings if you are or were 2nd or 3rd choice. The general wondering if this is worth it, or if this is just another limbo. Maybe setting up a specific time of day once a week or month for you two to have conversations on topics that you normally have a difficult time with, with a limited time set for the conversation? I once read somewhere, where a couple would write down questions or concerns on a slip of paper and put it in a fishbowl. When a certain day and time came, they would each pull a paper out and talk about it for a set amount of time with rules in place (no yelling and so on). When that time was over, they were to do an activity together, whether go to a movie, or dinner, or something fun to relieve any build up of feelings and focus on things they were both more comfortable with. That way they were connecting but giving each other a break so it wasn't always so intense...

vivere posted 11/19/2013 15:21 PM

stillprettyupset - I honestly don't feel as though I am disconnecting or becoming aloof. Quite the opposite actually, I feel like I am trying to create a bond that perhaps just is not there? I'm not focused on affair related issues, rather, relationship issues (I get that they are intertwined). I stopped the detective work because I realised how futile it is not because I did not feel I had any right to 'check up'.

steadfast1973 - my WH revealed CSA in his past. He has made it clear that he does not wish to speak with me about it at this time. At 48 he needs to deal with that, I'm not qualified to help as much as IC can so I have no problem respecting his privacy here, just so long as he is getting help. Of course I would love to be part of the process of his healing but it is not what he needs at this time.

Kierst13 - The normal times I would say we are like friends, buddies. During the emotional or difficult times I feel like he goes missing. He doesn't know what to say, how to react.

befuzzled110 - I went to IC initially to grieve. IRL no one knows so I rely on my WH and myself for emotional support. As I've said, he is not really the right man for the job. I did mention to him that I felt discontent and I was unsure why last evening. He asked me how long had I felt this way and if I felt 'like the 2-3 week cycle was in play'. I said it may be but went further to say that I didn't feel 'we' were progressing and that we both agreed that we didn't want the marriage we had before but didn't seem to be taking steps towards achieving a new and improved version. The result was I was told that perhaps I was looking for or creating a drama where none existed. Shut down and invalidated, yet again

MakingLemonade posted 11/20/2013 16:55 PM

The result was I was told that perhaps I was looking for or creating a drama where none existed.

OUCH!!! Really??? That even hurt me! If this is a typical response, sounds like callousness or gaslighting to me.

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