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I'm looking for advice here.....its been just over a month since D-Day and we are stuck in limbo. My Wife says she "is sorry", but maintains her affair is my fault as I was emotionally distant and didn't show her enough attention. She had recently completed 30 day rehab for narcotics and alcohol, and was active in our local AA chapter. Her Mentor is a recovered alcoholic, an MD and seemingly a concerned Mentor. Or so I thought until I came home from work early and found them in bed together...awkward! I was completely clueless and blindsided. Now her position is ...no counseling (doesn't trust them) and talks mostly about how angry and sad SHE is. She basically tells me to get over it, move on, etc. I'm still in way too much pain and shock. She has, of course, dropped AA which is not good as she is drinking again. I want to R but need a willing partner to do so. Any thoughts, ideas suggestions????

Me 63

WS 61

D-Day 10.01.2013

[This message edited by tootrusting13 at 9:18 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

Hard to believe at our age, this could happen to us. First of all, the affair is most definitely NOT your fault. Don't buy into that crap. The WSs are selfish, weak people with holes in their psyche. They own 100% of the affair. Sounds like the mentor took advantage of the situation. He should be reported.

What should you do? That's a tough one. Some people here can reconcile, others like me, can not. Betrayal is not an accident, it is a choice. My WS made the choice to cheat and the result is a marriage that is over and two wonderful children who have no respect for him. I hate what he did to us and can never forgive and forget. I have filed for divorce. But what you do is what you can handle. As I said, some have had successful reconciliations. It all depends on how much work your WS wants to do to save the marriage. The work is on her not you. Good luck.

I want to R but need a willing partner to do so

You can't make her be a willing partner. You CAN set boundaries and takes steps to start healing yourself. Sometimes this opens a WS's eyes, sometimes it doesn't.

You don't have to decide on anything permanent either way right now. Right now, healing yourself is priority.

Read up on the 180 (in the healing library, upper left corner link).

I'm so sorry tootrusting13. She's just adding insult to injury with her blaming you for her choices, her unkind words and her lack of remorse .

tootrusting, I second that about reporting the mentor. That is insane. I also agree about the 180. You cannot nice someone into wanting to R. I wonder if the fact that he is an MD and she is a narco head has any correlation. I do have some experience with pill heads and they lie and will do anything in the same level as any other drug addict. You are in my thoughts today.

I have heard that the 'old timers' in AA even have a name for what happened with my Wife: they jokingly call it the twelfth step. It is, apparently, that common. A vulnerable, newly sober younger woman joins looking for understanding friends, and is taken advantage of by a senior, experienced Mentor or member of AA. I think its a disgusting abuse of power.

Of course, no one held a gun to my Wife's head.