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Another scale from 0-10...

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Angel177 posted 11/18/2013 21:30 PM

I'm shocked at how many of us thought there was a 0% chance of our SO cheating. So how likely do you think it is they will cheat again?

Before dday I would have said 0
After dday I would have said 10
Now a year and a bit later I'd say 5...I honestly could see it going either way at this point...I'm right in the middle. Although I'm 99% sure he isn't cheating right now just that it's possible he might in the future.

I'm hoping to get that number a little lower with time but I will never again be so niave as to assume there is no chance of him cheating.

PinkJeepLady posted 11/18/2013 22:21 PM

Good question. I would have said zero percent chance before DDay too, but now?
I too would say currently it's a 99.5 percent chance he isn't cheating. If WH doesn't get in gear soon and start doing the work to heal and recover then I think there is a higher chance he would. Sadly he hasn't done much work to fix himself.
I think if he would move forward with his life and fully engage in our marriage then the chance of cheating again is much smaller.
I do believe if I decide to end our marriage he would probably most likely use prostitutes and porn again. He says he knows that those choices are extremely harmful to him (and so many others), but until I see some serious work I don't have much confidence that he won't.
It's an interesting thought to contemplate isn't it.

CatchyUsername posted 11/19/2013 06:49 AM

I would give it a 3.

I think RIGHT NOW it would be a 0.5, but I know how selfish he is and he will likely revert to that at some point in the future.

KatieG posted 11/19/2013 06:54 AM

I think because our worlds have been shattered, part of the loss is the loss of believing they won't do it. Now we know they can do it.

Maybe that's better now in terms of self-protection, but I guess it helps to not take anything for granted.

Sammy2013 posted 11/19/2013 06:56 AM

Before DDay, I would have given him a 3. He's a narcissist and had me, and everyone around him, convinced he's just a flirt. Right now, a month from DDay, and I say he's at an 8 for slipping back. I'm 99.5% sure he isn't right now, he strongly motivated not to divorce. But fixing narcissism isn't easy. He has a long road ahead of him. Unfortunately, any slip up into old behavior will get him papers. No second chances from me on this. I refuse to be in this position again.

WeHadItAll posted 11/19/2013 07:27 AM

I'm right with you, Angel177 - last year I would have said 0, and today I'd also say 5. Trust has been building, but only to this point of being 50-50.

You know, he didn't think that he would cheat when he started the long-distance EA that became a PA a year later. Interestingly, his therapist thinks that this is part of the reason why the A eventually did happen: he didn't see the risk. He didn't think he would actually do it.

I guess part of the lesson we're supposed to learn is that we are flawed. No one is perfect, no matter how much you want to believe it.

RipsInMyChest posted 11/19/2013 07:48 AM

FWH and I have talked about this. Before dday, I thought it was zero for SURE. For the future, maybe 1. Right now, zero. Interestingly FWH puts it at 1-2 before dday, zero now and for ever. He claims he is 100% certain he will not do this again. After doing it, I just can't see how he can be so certain. He claims he felt so bad immediately after his ONS that it has been like putting his arm in a meat grinder. I wish I could share his surety.

Edit: After thoughtful consideration and due credit to FWH, I changed my future prediction to a 1....never can be CERTAIN it won't happen again.

[This message edited by RipsInMyChest at 1:43 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Childoftheking posted 11/19/2013 07:56 AM

I was a zero me stupid, but I think he is less likely to cheat now than he was before. I think one of the things that puts people in a vulnerable position to cheat is thinking that they aren't capable of cheating. Now he knows what it feels like to have his whole world crumbling around him. Now he knows what it feels like to inflict the worst pain on the person he loves the most in this life.

I don't want to live my life with the fear that he will do it again. If he's selfish enough to do it again, then I don't want to be with him anymore.

Angel177 posted 11/19/2013 08:40 AM

Interesting....wh also claims there is now a 0% chance of him cheating again. Says he has learned he needs stronger boundaries and I have seen him improve his boundaries a lot. He says he didn't see a problem with his flirting with other women because it was just he sees where it leads and he won't ever let that happen again.

Sounds nice but right now words from him don't mean much. I guess it's a good thing they have so much faith in themselves.

catlover50 posted 11/19/2013 13:12 PM

I would also say 0 now and would say 2 in the future. My H is supremely confident that he will not cheat again. He is finally self aware (for the first time in his life) and understands boundaries and also how very much he does not want to lose me. Like many WSs, he really did not stop to consider that he would lose me during his A (I know, right?). Never thought for a second that the A, or the OW, were remotely worth destroying his M or family.

I have set very firm boundaries, and he knows that there are no more chances. I have told him since I always eventually find out anyway, if he decides to go down that road just consider the marriage over and divorce me first. Or even better, if he recognizes the start of the slippery slope talk to me first. I have given him my blessing to talk about whatever feelings he may be having before he acts on them.

In my H's case, the A left a very bad taste in his mouth even prior to Dday, so that is further discouragement!

Peaches2013 posted 11/19/2013 13:24 PM

If my husband stays sober, I'd put his chances of cheating again at 0. He learned a lot from his last relapse and his infidelity about himself, his relationships with others, and how horrible his boundaries with other people were.

If he starts drinking again, he'd earn a 5 from me. His idea of what is and is not appropriate has always taken a dive when he's been drinking, but in the past 5 years those boundaries blurred drastically.

confused615 posted 11/19/2013 13:25 PM

Before: A 5-6

Now? I would say 0.

In the future? I would say 1.

He has worked very hard to become a safe person for me..and himself. He is absolutely remorseful. Completely transparent. I only give him a 1 because I will never fully trust him again. Sad..but it is what it is.

chipmunk41 posted 11/19/2013 13:30 PM

I think there is 0 chance of him cheating again.

I think after he saw how much he hurt me and how
stupid he was for doing something like this it
really slapped him hard. He knows that this is the
last and only chance he will get.

naivewife posted 11/19/2013 13:39 PM

I got hit with false R, so I'll NEVER say 0 chance he'd cheat again. It's been almost 8 months and I wonder daily if he's cheating on me, even though I have no evidence to believe he is. Prior to d-day, 0 for sure. Now every day is somewhere between a 3 and 9 depending on the day. I do think his biggest risk is an EA. He has a lot to work on in IC to get himself out of the high risk zone for EA's.

frigidfire86 posted 11/19/2013 13:39 PM

I'd say there's a 70% chance my H will cheat again. I doubt he'll go looking for it, but if the opportunity is dumped in his lap...well, I don't have much hope he'd refuse.

tushnurse posted 11/19/2013 13:50 PM

% he may cheat again? probably 0.5%.

More importantly would it destroy me again? What's that %? 0. I would be just fine.

While you are going through this dont forget to focus on you, and your healing. Knowing that you will be just fine with or without your spouse.

struggling16 posted 11/19/2013 14:27 PM

I know he would say 0. He's also delusional about his current wonderfulness.

I say 0 at the present time. Realistically, though, if we were having marital difficulties and I were to go out of town, I think there's a 50/50 chance he would if he thought he could get away with it. I say this because he truly hasn't done the in-depth work on himself that true R requires.

LearnToLoveAgain posted 11/19/2013 14:55 PM

I would honestly say 0.

But he's showing remorse and is completely committed to R. For me though it's also 0 because he couldn't go through with the sex. I also thought 0 before hand.

catlover50 posted 11/19/2013 15:25 PM

With a nod to tushnurse:

Even though I now have the M of my dreams and a H I never believed possible, I am also very at peace with walking away and being alone if it happens again. I will know that I have given it my all, he has his eyes wide open and we had the chance given to us to be great.

struggling3 posted 11/19/2013 16:29 PM

Excellent tushnurse and catlover 50

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