Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

WS feels like BS...

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

ArmyGearhead posted 11/18/2013 21:48 PM

This is a long long story and I doubt Ill get it all out in one go, but here we go:

I think I am 99% WS and 1% BS. My spouse(Littlemrsv) and I are still discovering things about our issues and what plays into them. The reasons that I did some of the things I did, which seems to be really important according to most sources.

Shortly before we got married, I spent a few weeks deployed as a member of the Army National Guard to some serious flooding. I pulled some grossly bloated bodies out of the upstairs levels of some buildings, helped people off of rooftops and had a gun shoved in my face while apprehending a looter. I had no ammo and thanks to my battle buddies swift moves, he was forcefully disarmed without either of us being injured. He shot in the air and pointed the barrel right at us. He ended up going home in an ambulance, not entirely in good physical condition- we were lucky. Its at this point that we believe my PTSD may have started....

After we got married, I was 20, she was 19. Experience tells us now, that it was not a good idea to marry so young. We were both raised in vastly different yet very similarly oppressive religious homes. So we were completely un-prepared for lives as adults. We were both virgins on our wedding nights and had never really seriously dated other people even.

Dec 2008 we had our first child, and my wife began experiencing Post Partum Depression(PPD). She was very unhappy and not herself. Instead of communicating about our issues and telling her how I felt, I kept it all inside and got more and more bitter towards her. We had some very short talks with people around us at the time-"friends". They all encouraged us not to seek help for her and to just tough it out. BS did, I didn't. She tried so hard to be good to me when she was level headed and in a good enough frame of mind to handle things, which really was fairly often. At this same time an older girl than me at work had started being suddenly very supportive and caring, which should have been a huge red flag to me. I missed it and began talking to her about everything and eventually even my bitter feelings to BS. I obtained her phone # and we started texting, sexting and calling. She sent me a couple pics and we were verbally very sexual, though we didn't meet outside work and actually do anything physical, or do anything physical at work. Finally it all came to a head with this girl telling me that she was falling for me and she wanted me to run away with her. She worked that angle for a week or so, incredibly desperately. I did actually consider it, though I don't think Id have ever done it. That same week ended with my wife and I in the bedroom talking. It was like a fallout zone in our bedroom, cold and unloving. She asked me for probably the millionth time what was wrong and I finally told her: "theres another girl". She broke down and begged me to stay. I explained everything and we argued and talked for hours. I don't think either of us really slept that night. I promised I wouldn't talk to her again but she texted me on fathers day (A week or so later) and I was seething that my wife hadn't mentioned anything about my first fathers day ever. Instead of doing the right thing and telling BS about the text, I responded. She found it that night and we had another meltdown. She should have left me truthfully, but she didn't. She's a trooper.

A few months or so later (foggy on the details so many years later), I was still curious about what it would be like to be with another woman. BS was giving me everything I needed sexually, so that wasn't the issue. I believe the issue was the way we were raised (Not an excuse, just a thought). With no real relationships prior to each other, my young and dumb head got the better of me, I knew a girl that was known to be up for one night stands and contacted her. I ended up talking to her a small amount then offering her a ride to our drill weekend for the national guard, which was at a different location this time for some more serious training. So it was a 3 hour drive or so. I picked her up from her place and we talked awkward small talk and nonsense for 2 1/2 hours. Finally I ended up starting to touch her as we drove, starting up top and working my way very quickly to her pants. I was driving so only had one hand free but did end up fingering her til she came. When she came Im pretty sure she was faking it, she screamed so loud it was kind of startling. I got nothing physical in return, as I was driving, but when we arrived at our destination she did repeatedly ask me to join her somewhere to go all the way. Truth be told I felt so incredibly guilty and so ashamed that I had done something that I knew would hurt my BS that I knew the second the girl "came", I knew I couldn't do anything with her... I did refuse to meet her and spent quite a bit of time on the phone to my wife after that. She had looked up our phone records and saw lots of messages to this girl and wanted to know why. I gave her bogus excuses and got really defensive about it. We blew it off, I came home and transferred units soon after. I didn't see the girl again and am glad of it!

After a year of Active Duty I was deployed(2010-11). We were in a pretty good place with each other. I had a severe amount of anxiety and panic, since I was sure BS was going to cheat on me while I was gone. This was made worse by her seemingly not wanting to talk to me and not seeming to make me a priority while I was gone. I didn't have much time when I had a chance to contact her in any kind of fashion. Occasionally we could Skype or sometimes I could use a phone card at an internet phone. I was out (Outside the wire on missions) several weeks at a time and back at our camp just 3-5 days then out again. I experienced some extremely traumatic things while on these missions, though didn't think twice about any of it until a few months after returning home. I was so sure she was cheating on me that I had told her that if she wanted "someone else" while I was gone, that she should go ahead. She didn't though I still feel anxious that she just didn't tell me about it. I had originally told her to feel free to do things with others in hopes that she would tell me about anything she did, rather than hide it. Well, she either didn't do anything or she's hidden it rather well for a long time! I don't think she did anything, though I have a nagging feeling from time to time, probably brought on by my own behavior towards her in the past. I had some training in various other countries prior to the deployment and went to several clubs and bars in these countries, but was always with the Command Sergeant Major- who was a straight and narrow religious type, so no shenanigans were had! I could have certainly found an opportunity to do something with another girl while in those countries (Our team was a small 12 man, all male team, no females.), though I didn't and it wasn't a desire of mine either.

When I came back (late 2011), Id been thinking about everything so much that the idea of my wife being with someone else was actually kind of a turn on. Over the course of a couple years she became more and more open with other people. She texted, sexted, skyped and showed her whole body and did many sexual things digitally, never in person. She only did things with people in person twice, once at a work conference when she was drunk and I was encouraging her. The second time I had told her she could do something if she wanted, she was drunk along with the people she was with. They talked about sexual things but supposedly never did anything. If Im suspicious about anything she's ever said, its that night. When she drinks her clothes fall off. She is a petite and highly attractive woman. She claims that she never did anything with this guy, though I really have a strong feeling she did.

The last event in that scenario happened mid 2013, shortly after BS having given birth to our second child. She was engorged so she looked even more impressive than usual, which didn't help ease my suspicions. She was also suffering from PPD again.

Just a few weeks after the last experience with other people, my Grandfather passed unexpectedly. We knew he didn't have more than a year or 2 left but I hadn't ever made it back to my home country to see him in over 6 years. I had a trip planned for the fall to go see him. I was completely devastated when he passed. I had never brought my wife or kids to meet him. I will never forgive myself for not going to see him sooner, financially there were several times we could have made the trip, though we always found excuses. I had basically no way to contact my wife during this time, using phones or internet out of country is crazy expensive and the trip was already costing thousands for last minute tickets to maker the funeral etc. Before I left I had said it was ok for my wife to talk with this other guy, whom she hd been drunk with before, with his wife too. Although they are in an open marriage, so I knew what he wanted with her. They lived several states away though, so I didn't think I had anything to be worried about currently. Upon coming home, I found out what had been going on while I was gone- she was literally talking, skyping, texting and emailing with this guy non-stop. I STILL have not read everything the sent between each other and have no desire to do so. There were literally a full 40 hour work weeks worth of communication. He had finally told her he wanted her and she was so gooey and puppy-lovey with him that it was making me incredibly anxious. I had told her the only requirement of the situation for me to be ok with it was NO LOVE. She couldn't fall in love with anyone. It really hurt to see some how much she talked to him, so so much more than any amount of talking we had done in recent years, even on 4,000 mile road trips! She would clam up or whatever and not talk to me for some points of the road trip, though she certainly wasn't holding anything back with this guy! I told her I was uneasy and that I might not want her doing anything with him. She acknowledged that she heard me speak though I don't think she took my message in. Thats when I found out that he was planning to pay for flights out to see her and getting a hotel room and was expecting to spend several nights just them together.... Uh, hell no. That shit is NOT happening on my watch! My foolish mistake was not talking much about what I would or wouldn't be ok with. Then in a panicked state after finding that out, I read (with her knowledge) some of their communication... There it was: Love. They were texting and email "I love you" non-stop!!! He texted or called every morning and would say it, then they would talk throughout the day saying it, then he would call or text her LATE at night and say it.... I was so incredibly hurt. I freaked out that she broke her promise to me. I tried to set up a time to call and talk with him man to man so I could explain that I wasn't ok with any of this and that it needed to end. He was too sissy for that and instead kept emailing me with nasty passive aggressive nonsense. So finally I called him and freaked out on him, told him to stay away from all of us and not to talk to her again. Of course, guess what I find a few days later? Yup, they're talking again. My wife says it was at her initiating it that he talked to her- which is a bigger issue to me! This whole time she was so defensive of him, it infuriated me! That night I called him and threatened him, blocked his number on all our phones on our account and all his email address and Skype contacts etc... She was positively pissed at me for doing all this. She's still upset that she didn't end things on her terms... whatever, she had her chance.

So now we are dealing with wifes PPD, my PTSD, my previous talking to a girl and her telling a guy she loved him and is being really unpleasant to me about it. So we are just missing the second situation with me and the other girl. So what does she ask a few weeks later? Yep. "Did you ever do anything with that girl you sent all those texts to?" I had felt so horrible about it all and wanted to tell her forever, thinking there would be a "good" time to tell her one day... Wtf I was thinking I have no clue, theres never a good time to tell someone something so horrible! So I told her.

She absolutely flipped out. Understandably and reasonably. She should have left me. She didn't. So weeks of arguing and trying to work through it together go by. Im still seeing counselors for PTSD, she starts finally going to see a counselor for PPD and our current marital issues. At some point she even decided that it would help her if she had sex with someone else. We had discussed an open marriage but wanted nothing to do with it. So this was a huge blow to me, thinking we were finally getting away from her and other guys. Now she wants more than she's admittedly ever gotten before and basically telling me I have no right to argue. So I accepted it. I hated it but I agreed that she could. I even tried to contact the a$$$hole who she fell in love with before since she told me thats what she really really wanted, basically no one else would do in her words. All I got back were nasty response back. She has no clue how big of a deal it was for me to to have to crawl back to this a$$ and ask him to "do" my wife. Seriously, I swear its the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life.

Now as we sit, we are somewhat better. We are in an ok state but just barely. She still gets really bent out of shape and asks question after question about it. The thing is, I feel like its not fair, mine was over 4 years ago, hers was so recent AND I tried HARD to help her get over my betrayal. Basically to feel the same way, she would have to go back to the girl I first talked to and beg her to let me have sex with her. I feel like she doesn't understand that and that Im the only one paying for what Ive done.

That said, she wants to drag everything up and talk about every detail over and over. I don't wanna know a damn thing about this guy, I just know if I see him again that his face might look the same afterwards. I just want to forget what she did and move on!!!! I don't feel like she sees what she did as "cheating". Im not really sure how I feel about everything, I just know that this is the worst timing for all this to pile on at one time.

Let me set the record straight here too, what I DO know, is that I seriously hurt and betrayed my spouse. She is absolutely a BS. I messed up big time, twice. No small issue. I WANT to make things right and I am attending her counseling sessions with her. I am trying my best to make things ok again. We were at an incredibly happy place with each other just months before my Granddad passed. Since then it just dropped right off a cliff, then slowly has been climbing back to an area where I feel like we can mutually exist and show love.

She is more than welcome to comment on any of my posts and set me straight if I mis-spoke with any of this. Like I said, I may have missed some things, this is not a short story! If you made it through that whole post, thanks- Please give us your input. Id ask for constructive input for either of us only, negativity won't help either of us. This is not a battle between us and I don't want to turn it into that, this is just my perspective on this story, my thoughts and feelings.

Darkness Falls posted 11/18/2013 22:04 PM

Welcome to SI.

The thing is, I feel like its not fair, mine was over 4 years ago, hers was so recent AND I tried HARD to help her get over my betrayal.

That said, she wants to drag everything up and talk about every detail over and over. I don't wanna know a damn thing about this guy, I just know if I see him again that his face might look the same afterwards. I just want to forget what she did and move on!!!!

- There is no "fair" or "not fair" in recovering from adultery, whether you're the wayward or the betrayed (or both). Might as well strike those words from your vocabulary.

- Each of you are entitled to handle your feelings of betrayal in the way you see fit. She wants every last detail? She's entitled to. You don't want to know anything about her OM except that you'd better never see his face again? You're entitled to. You're different people and will process things differently. Neither one is necessarily right nor wrong. It just IS.

- It's probably not the best tactic to dismiss or invalidate each others' feelings about how each of you feel it's best to recover emotionally. It's your responsibility as a BS to express what you need from her, and it's your responsibility as a WS to respond with what she needs from you. And vice-versa, but all you can control is you.

I don't feel like she sees what she did as "cheating".

What matters is how YOU feel about it...just like how she feels about YOUR cheating is what matters to HER. She should be doing what YOU need, and you should be doing for her what she needs. As aforementioned, those needs might be different.

As a side note, thanks for your service to our country.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 10:05 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

Unagie posted 11/19/2013 05:25 AM

Just to be clear I'm not being snarky here but wow this is a mess. A few points:

-you cannot control here healing and what she needs. As a betrayed she's going to wany details, some do. She's going to relive it over and over, this is still fresh for her whether you fingered this girl awhile ago or not she just found out (side note really quick I wonder why you emphasized so much that the girl faked an orgasm, why does that matter? It doesn't change what you did). Its also going to bring up memories of your other trangressions so buckle up its going to get a lot worse as she assimilates before it gets better, 2-5 yrs is the timeframe to heal from this.

-As a wayward, and she most certainly is a wayward there is processing to be done as well. Some of thag will be her need to confess everything. I know I wanted to confess anything and everything I remembered. My xSO told me to stop because he wanted no more details but I couldn't hold it in, so I wrote a timeline, I journaled, I had friends I confessed to and my counselor. You cannot control how she needs to heal from this.

-I feel you guys need to discuss how you encouraged her to do things with other men. I feel it was done to assuage the fact that you'd been with another woman and had not told her. She may be feeling a certain way about that, which may include disgust for herself and for you. It may be why she couldn't talk to you and it may have added to her depression.

- It is not healthy for her to go have sex someone else at this point and using your actions to do so is bullshit. Everyone must own their own decisions, if she wants to sleep with someone else that is her choice to own, it has nothing to do with you.

-Now finally both of you need to figure out your whys and do some behavior changing or history will repeat itself. Whys go pretty deep because these behaviors are ingrained in much more then just our A's.

Please feel free to hop down to the I Can Relate forum and post on the madhatters thread. A madhatter is someone who has cheated and been cheated on by the same partner. It is a unique position to be in so we all discuss our dual pain their. Welcome to SI.

[This message edited by Unagie at 5:27 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Deeply Scared posted 11/19/2013 09:09 AM


Members in open marriages are not Madhatters so he cannot post on that thread in ICR.

Thank you.

littlemrsV0813 posted 11/19/2013 10:52 AM

[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:57 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Unagie posted 11/19/2013 13:41 PM

Oops thanks DS my bad. I wasnt sure.

wifehad5 posted 11/19/2013 14:30 PM


I'll be sending you a PM shortly

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.