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Pass posted 11/18/2013 22:58 PM

Part of my MANY issues stemming from my depression is something called Impostor Syndrome: Whenever I do something well, I assume that I faked my way through it, and will eventually be discovered and outed as a fake. My shrink is working on this with me.

I had a really lousy day today, because of The Princess announcing she had "lost" all the pictures of our kids since 2004! You won't have to look very hard to find my profanity-laden post on the subject.

But tonight was the weekly open stage I attend. Most people there play guitar and sing by themselves, but I play either banjo or mandolin instead while singing. Lately, people have been asking me to accompany them on the mandolin. Being me, I've just assume they were being nice, or that they would instantly regret it once I started playing.

This week I accompanied a few people - mostly on songs I had never heard before. When I couldn't figure out the chord progression, I would pick a melody that sounded pretty close to the progression, and would use my method of "mistake management" to make any errors sound like they were intended as part of the melody.

At the end of the night, people were complimenting me, and I felt the usual tightness in my chest from worrying about being discovered as a fake. Then a couple things occurred to me:

#1 - Ten years ago, I wouldn't have been able to do this, so improvising a solo is obviously a skill that I have acquired, and apparently gotten good at.

#2 - Once again, I was trying to convince myself that I'm an impostor. Time to cut that shit out, and enjoy a small success.

So here I go, tooting my own horn: Beep fucking beep, y'all!

courageous posted 11/18/2013 23:28 PM

That's great that you are finally recognizing the truth about yourself. Music is a very hard skill so you must be very talented

5454real posted 11/19/2013 00:09 AM

Good for you Pass. I dispute your description. I think it's a huge success.

Brandon808 posted 11/19/2013 00:20 AM

So glad to read this pass.

SBB posted 11/19/2013 06:45 AM

Toot Toot!!

WOOWHOO!!

Pass posted 11/19/2013 08:14 AM

Thanks y'all!

nowiknow23 posted 11/19/2013 08:35 AM

That's wonderful, pass.

WeepingBuddhist posted 11/19/2013 08:46 AM

That is awesome. thanks for the day brightener!

Williesmom posted 11/19/2013 08:50 AM

Pass, that is really so cool. I see that incident as "OMG, he is so talented as a musician that he can improvise and express his creativity".

I keep telling myself never to forget the awesomeness that is me. You need to keep repeating that to yourself also. Do NOT sell yourself short - even to yourself.

sunsetslost posted 11/19/2013 11:04 AM

Beep fuckin beep my friend

k94ever posted 11/19/2013 11:39 AM

Good job Pass!!!!

So when can we start with the banjo jokes?

k9

Pass posted 11/19/2013 11:42 AM

So coincidentally, the morning after posting this, I've been offered a gig by the local folk music society! I did a few with my band in the 90s, but this will be my first full set as a solo musician. I'll be singing and playing for a full hour on the afternoon of Sunday, February 2. How frigging cool is that?

Since it is on a weekend, I'll have my boys with me. That means all those bitter songs I've written lately - the ones that say what a slut and harpy their mother is - are off the set list. I guess I need to write some new songs!

Pass posted 11/19/2013 11:44 AM

And K9, trust me, I've heard ALL the banjo jokes. By the way, you know they make those jokes so stupid so that the guitarists can understand them, right?

Helen of Troy posted 11/19/2013 12:12 PM

This is great, pass.

Sometimes it takes a crisis to find out who we really are, our talents, etc. Xwh greedily took the spotlight any time he could get it.
As a single person I don't stand in anyone's shadow anymore.

Lost15 posted 11/19/2013 12:34 PM

That is great to hear Pass! Have your kids heard you perform before? How great it will be for them to see!

msk99 posted 11/19/2013 12:51 PM

Big success or little success....it doesn't matter - great you had a measure of success.

20Hopeful16 posted 11/19/2013 13:03 PM

Part of my MANY issues stemming from my depression is something called Impostor Syndrome: Whenever I do something well, I assume that I faked my way through it, and will eventually be discovered and outed as a fake. My shrink is working on this with me.

Wow, that sounds so much like me, I am going to bring it up with my own shrink at my appointment tomorrow!

As for you, way to go! Sounds like you are a fabulous musician, definitely not a fake. Good for you for putting yourself out there and reaping the benefits.

Pass posted 11/19/2013 14:41 PM

Lost15, my boys have seen me perform a couple times, but never a full set. However, I've played for them many times. I'm not sure if they'll think this is cool, or more of the same thing. I texted 13 about it, and he was very excited for me. 10 tends to get less excited about things.

20Hopeful16, it's been a real stumbling block for me. How can we enjoy our successes when we spend all our time worried people will "discover" how we faked our way through the whole thing? This is how I've always felt about my job, my relationships, and my hobbies.

Definitely something to talk to your shrink about. There are people out there who actually feel good about things they do well, and some of them even have faith that they can continue to do other things well.

The Princess used this attitude of mine to her full advantage to keep me from getting too uppity. That's probably what kept me under her thumb for as long as I was.

lieshurt posted 11/19/2013 14:46 PM

I play either banjo

That is so cool!!! I've always wanted to learn to play the banjo.

tesla posted 11/19/2013 18:20 PM

That is so cool!!
Congrats on being asked to play a set solo!