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confused, anyone have advice?

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reallysad2012 posted 11/19/2013 00:34 AM

I think I am entering a new phase of healing and it feels weird and I am not sure I am still making progress.

Dday was 14 months ago. About 3 months ago I finally had some hope that I was getting better and that has continued. I have found a way to deal with some of the thoughts that get into my head. I am not crying every day.

The hard part right now is that I still think about it every day but I am trying not to dwell. I also recently started trying to hide some of my sad moments from my fWH. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I have wanted to go off and cry alone to get some release of emotion without upsetting him. I do this because I think it is unhelpful to get him depressed as well. I think talking about the A is pointless because I know everything I can know and asking more questions is probably just pain shopping. He is very remorseful.

I have felt that I am getting on the right path but then have these low moments when it doesn't feel like I am making enough forward progress.

Should I be asking questions that bug me but have no good answers? Probably not. He can't remember exactly when the A ended, before Thanksgiving or after. He can't remember how it went from what could have been a ONS to a 4-5 week PA. I have asked if one or both said something like "that was fun, when do you want to do that again?" He says he doesn't remember. (A ended 11 years before he confessed)

Ugh...see...I am just torturing myself.

I feel this need to talk but don't know how to do it constructively at this point, so I don't bring it up and I say I am fine when I am not. That can't be good. Or can it?

Does anyone understand what I am trying to say? Anyone have any ideas about this?

Jrazz posted 11/19/2013 01:07 AM

A lot of what you're saying sounds very familiar to me at just over a year out.

I remember starting to be afraid that I was never going to get the whole ordeal off my back - the mind movies, the anger... then the numbness settled in and I was scared that I would never feel anything again.

It takes a long long time for the ground to stop moving beneath your feet. Having a remorseful fWS is huge, but there comes a point where we really have to dig in and start working on ourselves. Redirecting our thoughts is one great practice, another is finding the right time and place to talk to our fWS about the lingering questions and pain without overdoing.

I know it sounds very mechanical, but I would "schedule" in some time to talk out your feelings with your H. Stuffing them down will breed resentment. It's not fair to either of you to pretend like you're fine when you don't feel that way. Making a window to sort through this helps the fWS from feeling attacked or defensive. Instead, it gives them a heads up so that they can put on their compassion goggles.

You are not expected to feel fine right now. This part of the rollercoaster is still jagged and twisty, but if you keep putting one foot in front of the other you will feel relief soon.


[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:07 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

morethantrying posted 11/19/2013 02:23 AM sound like me about the sharing of the the recent thread "when will I not think of the A's" as I also post this questions and get great answers about the sharing of pain problem...We have to heal as well...I have tried hypnosis online and if you PM me I can tell you the really good site that I does help and I feel what they say helps me though I am not sure if I get hypnotized or not.... Hang in there...I am now dealing with (at 8 months) just trying to see his face at the end of the day and feel good about it...

LivinginLimbo posted 11/19/2013 09:01 AM

What I have discovered is if I avoid asking a question, it festers within me only making it worse.

There's come the point where I no longer place FWH's discomfort with the topic ahead of my need to discuss it. I find that once I ask the questions, I feel better. Even though he, like your H, also suffers from "affair amnesia", I feel a huge weight lifted once I air what's troubling me.

We may not get the answers, but we shouldn't stop ourselves from asking them if it's what we need in order to heal.

sisoon posted 11/19/2013 10:28 AM

For me, the info about who-what-when-where-how was crucial, but even more important, I needed t know if I could trust her again, if she loved me, if she wanted to R, if she was willing to do the work....

What would having the info you seek do for you? Once you have an answer to that Q, you can go for it directly.

rachelc posted 11/19/2013 10:47 AM

If I have a question I'll ask. Why do our questions have to have good answers? Most affair questions probably dont. I'm finding myself not needing to ask questions, but I do need an apilogy for specific things that were very cruel, not gonna chalk it all up to affair fog. If I need clarification or an apology or an answer, I need it.

[This message edited by rachelc at 10:48 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

reallysad2012 posted 11/19/2013 13:53 PM

You are not expected to feel fine right now. This part of the rollercoaster is still jagged and twisty

Thanks for this reminder, Jrazz. It took a bit of weight off my shoulders.

morethantrying...I am not sure hypnosis is for me, but you got me thinking about mantras. I have used those in the past for running long distances and for headaches...I guess you kind of self-hypnotize if you repeat the same phrase over and over and over and over and over...I think I will try to come up with one for when I am feeling like this.

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I hear what you are saying about asking if you need to know and trying to decide if the answer will help or not. At this point, I have asked these same questions often and the answers don't change, so it really is not good to go back there. But I still feel the need to talk.

Update on this: right after I posted, fWH came home from work an hour early. I should have been asleep (it was 2am). I told him how I have been feeling lately and admitted I had held back some sadness from him. At first he did exactly what I didn't want and got all depressed and sorry-looking. But I told him that I don't want to dwell, I just need to talk sometimes and I would prefer to focus on the future when we talk. And if I get sad all I want is a hug. It was a relief.

Jrazz posted 11/19/2013 20:04 PM

But I told him that I don't want to dwell, I just need to talk sometimes and I would prefer to focus on the future when we talk. And if I get sad all I want is a hug. It was a relief.

Perfect! I found that adding these conversational pieces when trying to get my feelings out to my FWH went a long way. I would preface with , "I know that you haven't done anything lately, but I'm triggering and I need you to hold me."

FWS's have a big fear that they are always going to be the "bad guy", and the ones who work hard can get discouraged when they feel like their efforts are not having an effect. Letting them know when something DOES reach us helps them be open when we slip and start to dwell.

I'm really glad that you were able to talk it out.

Uncompleted31 posted 11/19/2013 21:00 PM

We have found that a time, like Jrazz suggested, can be helpful. But if you have something bothering you then you should ask. If you are thinking about something you should share it with your spouse!

Our MC also suggested to give specific suggestions on how to fix you. "I'm sad today. I have questions. Can we talk about the affair and you hold me? Or be REALLY nice today?" I've found my FWW will jump through a lot of hoops if I just point her in the right direction. It's how I know she really wants to make things better and not just sweep it under the rug.

[This message edited by Uncompleted31 at 9:00 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

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