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t/j indifference

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authenticnow posted 11/19/2013 05:52 AM

Broevil's post to Alyssa just reminded me of something that was running through my head yesterday, probably because of the thread on indifference, and I didn't want to t/j on Alyssa's thread.

After my EA ended I didn't get to indifference for awhile. Months and months. I wasn't angry, I wasn't disgusted by OM, I was just intensely sad. There was no d-day, LD didn't know anything, OM and I just decided to end it. I hadn't found SI yet.

For months and months I couldn't get to indifference. I tried. I started IC and white knuckled it. And then after 8 months I broke NC by calling him. We talked for awhile, in my head we were friends now (I had been drinking and I was an emotional, blubbering idiot when I called---so embarrassing, so cliche).

I remember those days and the feelings of desperation. My head was so fucked up. I remember thinking this sadness was not going to end. What was my life? Why can't I find my happy?

Anyway, after that I continued down my path of destruction (not with him, after that call and an embarrassing email I vowed never to contact him again). D-day(s) happened, our world was crumbling.

The reason why I am saying all this is because at that time I never thought I'd get to a place of indifference. And like Broevil said, I just did. It happened.

In my prayers last night I felt an intense feeling of gratitude. I remember praying back then and asking for peace, for guidance, for anything to get me out of that dark place. I didn't think I deserved it but I desperately wanted it. I didn't know how to get there so I asked for help. I remember thinking about driving my car into a wall to get out of the mess I had created in my life.

Last night my mind went back there, I was remembering that feeling. It felt suffocating and so sad.

You do get there. The process happens, in you and around you and you can get there. I didn't believe it at the time but thank God it's true.

Deeply Scared posted 11/19/2013 09:11 AM

You do get there. The process happens, in you and around you and you can get there. I didn't believe it at the time but thank God it's true.

That is so absolutely true

Great reminder AN...you sure have done the work and came out on the other side

Aubrie posted 11/19/2013 10:29 AM

Nothing like the testimony from a Vet to give encouragement and hope.

You rawk AN.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 11/19/2013 10:45 AM

I didn't know how to get there so I asked for help
.

Such a simple, yet hard thing to do!

I remember thinking about driving my car into a wall to get out of the mess I had created in my life.

I've been here a few times over the course of my life.
I thank God I hung on, that I was too scared to try it!

Thanks for posting this

I've been thinking about this all morning.
How frustrating it must be to hear you just get there.
You HAVE to feel all the feelings that eventually bring you to indifference. You have to go through it, there is no way around, no shortcuts, but it does happen.
There was no one thing that I did that helped, it just happened

Alyssamd24 posted 11/19/2013 16:55 PM

Good topic....I would not have minded the t/j but am glad to have read this....there are certain WS on this site that I consider to be much more wise and have overcome so much already.....I hope to be at that point someday.

Since I have only been NC for three months and somewhat new it is encouraging to hear that others have been in my position.

JustDesserts posted 11/19/2013 17:04 PM

Pushing "Like" button.

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