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Weak NC communication and what I wish he had said...

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CatchyUsername posted 11/19/2013 06:35 AM

We are 6 months from DDay. On DDay I called the OW and I told her NC. She was apologetic, confirmed that she was not in love with WH and did not want any future with him. A few days later WH sent her this:

As i am sure you can guess its been a difficult couple of days here sorry you were blindsided on Wednesday night. You and I do need to talk (both counselor and BS know we should) so let me know what works for you tomorrow

She completely ignored that communication and has made zero attempt to contact him. Yes, she was totally using him. He was just another stud in her stable.

But it still bothers me that his last communication with her was neutral and everything else had WH worshiping her. I told WH that I wish their last communication had gone as follows:

Dear OW,
The truth about my marriage is...
The truth about BS is...
The truth about how I felt about you during our relationship is...
The truth about how I feel about you now is...
The truth about myself is...

I think I may ask him to write it even if only so that I have it. So I can refer to that instead of all the loving messages.


LA44 posted 11/19/2013 06:45 AM

Catchy, can I suggest he write YOU a letter of apology instead of re-writing something to her. In the end this is not about her. Of course you know that.

Let him know that you would like the letter by x(pick a date like Dec 1st).

My H wrote me one of these 3 months post D-Day and it went a long way in healing.

CatchyUsername posted 11/19/2013 06:52 AM

LA44 - he has done this. Part of what I struggle with though is that he has always been WONDERFUL to me - even during the A. The only time he wasn't was the weekend before DDay when I got to spend the weekend with OW. His two separate worlds colliding caused him to melt down I guess.

So I guess what I am saying is that I want to hear what he would say to HER now, not me, because what he was saying to me was never the issue - it was his ability to create the illusion with her.

TennisTC posted 11/19/2013 08:11 AM

Catchy, I know exactly how you feel, and I was in the same situation. My husband's OW was a co-worker. My H warned the OW that the NC text was coming (Feb. 2013). Of course I didn't find out until a couple of months later and I was furious. I felt like he was more concerned with her and her feelings than what I needed. Now in looking back, he 100% knows it was the wrong thing to do, but he said at the time he was worried that if he pissed her off she would try to get him fired (which was possible because during the A he was her superior).

The OW started fishing a few months later and my H did everything possible to shut her down. He talked to her manager and asked that she tell the OW not to email him and if the OW was ever in his building (she was transferred to a different building in Feb. 2013) he would literally stop what he was doing and walk in the other direction. Apparently that was not clear enough for her, because in August 2013, my husband was organizing a large rack with his back to the rest of the building when the OW came up and tapped him on the shoulder. My H turned around and saw it was her, and he said he very loud and angrily that he already told her that he wanted nothing to do with her and to leave him alone. He walked off without giving her the opportunity to respond and called and told me right away. She was floored to say the least and honestly I felt so vindicated. So I totally get where you are coming from.

To me it's a little like when you are in an argument and the other person says something and you are taken aback and don't know what to say, and then later that day the perfect words come to you and you want to go back so bad and be able to say them to the person you were arguing with (I realize it's not a perfect comparison). I think if you need to hear it, then give your husband a "do over" and let him write to you what he should have said to OW.

sisoon posted 11/19/2013 10:40 AM

The truth about my marriage is...
The truth about BS is...
The truth about how I felt about you during our relationship is...
The truth about how I feel about you now is...
The truth about myself is...

This doesn't sound like an NC issue to me. Rather, it sounds like you're asking your H to talk about his A as it relates to where he is now.

It sounds like completing those sentences could help in healing, as long as you're prepared to view his sentences and R as a work in progress. (That is, you may not like where he is right now - but it's still early.)

CatchyUsername posted 11/20/2013 07:09 AM


Kelany posted 11/20/2013 08:24 AM

Why does he say that he and the OW need to talk? Talk about what?

OldCow18 posted 11/20/2013 08:35 AM

Catchy, I totally get it. WH went into work the Monday after d-day and claims he had an NC conversation with OW where they both agreed to stop the A and work on their marriages. I have NO IDEA what was actually said. I imagine the worst, that me and her BH were portrayed as their prison sentences that they must return to despite their desire for eachother kind of thing, I imaine "I'll miss yous" being thrown around, I imagine banter about how hard it will be to not jump eachother's bones anymore, yuck. I was not privy to that conversation and I should have had a say. The conversation took place so early WH was clearly in the fog and I know in my heart he didn't stand up for our marriage, he didn't say the A was the biggest mistake of his life. He didn't say that she could never be what I was to him.

I'm not a huge fan of what your WH sent. I hate that he apologizes to her and then says they need to talk, WHY? I HATE that he didn't say it was a huge mistake and that he loves you and is recommitting to the marriage, kwim?

I'm not sure what you can do about it now. I've fantasized that WH would NOW tell OW the things he should have, I don't want her living her life thinking they were ripped apart and they will always want eachother even if they can't have eachother, I want her to know that WH rues the day he met her, that he thinks she's a short dumpy fat troll and that he despises her for being a co-accomplice in destroying what is truly important to him, his wife. As IF that would EVER happen. And you know what? Even if it did I think she would believe I made him say it and never really think it anyway.

And, ETA, NC to WH means not effing anymore, not no communication whatsoever. They still work closely together.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 8:36 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

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