"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

whatamidoing posted 11/19/2013 07:15 AM

I am stuck in a weird place and even though my mind knows this should not matter and I should be moving on independently something keeps me hurting and wanting something I am never going to have.
I threw him out June 2012, did separation legally financially etc. I did the entire divorce procedure. I have been working with him the entire time but have separated as much as possible. Its a little easier this year since I only have to see him 4 times a week. BUT it still is harder than I want it to be.
Right now what hurts is to see him hurting cause I think OW dumped him. He is angry and embarrassed.Emotions that I never saw for the loss of me and the kids. (that hurts)
He says he wants to help make my life better and loves me and the kids and wants to make things right. And even though I am 100% sure he can't and 95% sure I don't want him back it still hurts that he just is all talk no action. He doesn't do anything! No transparency, no time line, no help with trust, no nothing... he just wants to jump to friends and I know he is not my friend.
I want my kids to have a great family and I think maybe I can just let it go enough to have family dinners or be with him at the kids events but WHY! Why does he get the benefit of me making things work out for work and the kids while doing NOTHING!
I know this is ridiculous! I know. I just wanted him to be sorry and wanted him to try with all his effort and then for us to settle into a weird friendship and family. Knowing we just could not make it all work out but WE tried.
Stupid.
I tried for years, so hard... and even know when I know I don't even want it I still try? I have to get away. This is stupid.
I am putting on weight I am so unhappy and tiered. just waiting for him to get it!
Has anyone just dropped the affair and lies and hurt and just became their friend?
How do you overlook everything with just the words I am sorry being the only retribution?
It has been well over a year and I am still not even close to moving on. I get this is my life and I am ok with it but I am settling instead of living.

stronger08 posted 11/19/2013 07:24 AM

Don't drink the poison. He is looking for a soft landing and thinks you can be the drop zone. You can certainly be on civil terms with him. But friends ? I don't think so. Friends don't do that type of emotional damage to a person they claim to love. Friends have your back no matter the situation. As soon as the next cupcake comes along your friend will be long gone. Trust me on this one. He has acted like a pig. Now you need to let him wallow in his own excrement.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 7:25 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

7yrsflushed posted 11/19/2013 07:39 AM

As stronger08 said, you are his plan B. Don't fall for it. He doesn't have you or your families best interests at heart. The only thing he is thinking about is himself.

As for your question, I refuse to be friends with my STBXWW. After multiple A's and a 3 yr LTA with a coworker she still can't understand why I can't be friends with her. The answer is simple, friends don't treat each other the way she treated me. Hell, she was my WIFE so why would I wan't to remain friends with someone that had so little respect for me that they would treat me like I am less than a person. She stole years of my life away that I will never get back. Yes I have to deal with her because of the kids but I definitely don't have to be friends with her. NC unless it's kids and finances. Being friends...she lost that privilege on DDay and never took any steps to earn it back so it's gone forever.

As for retribution, I had to let that go. Will she ever get what she deserves, I don't know but really it's not my problem. I would rather focus on moving forward with my life. The more I focus on karma the more she remains in my headspace and I am on a mission to scrub her from my brain completely. My life isn't what I imagined it would be but that doesn't make it any less or not as good. I mourned the loss of my M but my life is what I make it now. I am okay with that especially since I no longer have to deal with a selfish liar anymore.

Friends don't treat each other like shit. Unremorseful WS's are not friends, they are leeches or emotional vampires and since your WH's AP has dumped him he is looking for anotehr neck to bite. Don't fall for it. I wish you the best. Focus on you and going NC as much as possible with your WH.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 7:41 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

whatamidoing posted 11/19/2013 13:37 PM

Thank you for your replies. I know he has not acted appropriately and may never. what if this is all he is capable of? I feel like I should try to be friends for the kids and work
#1. grade as a coworker... other than the affair and the spot he put me in his is the best coworker I have ever had. work a holic, very good A
#2. grade as a parents... if I organize and make sure everything is moving he is a B if not he is a C. His daughter (17) wants nothing to do with him and I don't know that this is right.?
#3. As a husband D
#4. As a friend when he is right there C when he is away from me D
What if he can't figure out how to be sorry and all he can do is say the words and keep acting like its all ok?
My life would be so much easier if I could just drop this and have fun at work again and work together and raise the kids together instead of trying to adhere to a crazy divorce puts us in a box we don't fit.
I know I can't make him do anything or make any of this right or make myself feel better but I just don't want this! Has anyone just said that is just what kind of a messed up idiot they are and just dealt with it? I know its stupid...
I want to help him
I don't hate him most of the time, I feel sorry for him all of the time
I see he was not my friend the way I was his.. but I have plenty of friends who are not my best friends (in fact I really dont have any friends that I would call up and say lets do something cause I don't have any?) So maybe my standards are off

Hotmama posted 11/19/2013 15:41 PM

I agree with the previous posts. Friends wouldn't treat anyone like this, let alone your spouse. My WH gave me the "we need to be friends and work together for the kids" speech before I verified his affair. He wasn't thinking of the kids or I when he was screwing a friend of mine, but I'm supposed to look past that for his benefit? What about the example that shows my two boys? I don't want them growing up and doing the same thing that their dad did because I may it seem like it was all o.k. No way!! He chose to have an affair and destroy his family and I will not take on the responsibility of smoothing things over for him. The boys don't even like him because they say he lies and is as bad guy - since he taught them years ago that liars are bad guys that go to jail. He will get what is coming to him - she has an std so I'm sure he already got that! What I had to focus on was that "I choose". I choose to kick him out of my life, i choose to have more self-respect than to let him be more involved than necessary. He should have thought about losing his kids before he did this, and nothing I do is going to make them feel any better about his cheating and abandoning them. Seeing me suck it up is going to make them think that I'm weak and pathetic when they grow up. At least that's how I see it! Hang in there and remember that each day you choose,

Housefulloflove posted 11/19/2013 23:39 PM

Has anyone just dropped the affair and lies and hurt and just became their friend?

This is exactly what my ex wants as well. Since damn near Dday he expected me to "move on" from all he had done and was still doing and treat him like a friend. I don't want to be friends with a person with no conscience, empathy, respect for me or capacity to love. He can take his fake "friendship" and shove it right up his butt because I don't ever want that in my life. No one deserves a "friend" like him except other soulless assholes like himself.

He doesn't want you to be his friend. He wants you to roll over and do what you used to do for him without expecting even basic decency in return. If he could do these things to you without remorse while being your husband, just imagine what he'd be willing to do while being your "friend".

careerlady posted 11/19/2013 23:51 PM

I am willing to be "friends". Even though I'm sure at any moment my STBX will become awful and mean I am happy to get along and do stuff together for DS's sake. He did some horrible things to me but he is still DS's father and as long as he is willing to play nice I will do the same. My parents got divorced but remained friendly and both of them have always been there for me. I benefited greatly from their sacrifice and would do the same for my son. Heck I tried so hard to R with his father for his sake, why not make the tiny sacrifice of being nice to him? Not that we have to be true friends that share feelings and secrets but friendly.

ButterflyGirl posted 11/19/2013 23:57 PM

I don't want to be friends with a person with no conscience, empathy, respect for me or capacity to love. He can take his fake "friendship" and shove it right up his butt because I don't ever want that in my life. No one deserves a "friend" like him except other soulless assholes like himself.

Ditto

newlysingle posted 11/20/2013 00:52 AM

Yeah, this would not fly with me. The Gnat also thinks I just need to "get over it" and be friends with him. He can't understand why I'm making such a big deal out of him walking out on his family for his little whore. He also can't understand why I don't like her because "she's a wonderful person".

I've made it very clear to him that he and I will never be friends. I'm civil with him. We are cordial in front of the children and have gotten to a point lately where we really are NC. The only contact we have is kids or finances.

He does not possess a single quality that I look for in a friend. The thought of having dinner with the Gnat and having to paste a fake smile on my face is horrific to me. I don't want to hear about his life. I don't care unless it affects the kids or the finances. Other than that he can just keep his mouth shut, be a parent and pay his child support. I look forward to the day when we no longer have to co-parent and we can just give each other a friendly nod at our children's weddings. I don't plan on speaking to him any more than that.

Vulcanized posted 11/20/2013 04:22 AM

I was very close friends w/a woman my age, never married, quite histrionic. We jokingly referred to one another as "my W", that's how close we were. After DD, I told her what was going on. She immediately castigated XH, and, 6 weeks after DD, told me what a big fat fucking asshole I was for wanting to salvage the M. This went on for about 3 months or so. The day of my wedding anni, she posts an incredibly snarky anni message on FB. I privately call her on her passive-aggressive BS & tell her to take a hike. Totally, completely cut her out. Never (lifetime) dumped a friend, especially one that close. I come to find out that now she is buddy buddy w/XH.

I find it mind boggling that XH, knowing this whole story, would even conceive I'd ever be his pal after this shit. I've frozen that dizzy bitch out for much, much, much less than the gargantuan pile of evil XH heaped on me. And he's deluded enough to think we'll ever be buddies???

Thefly559 posted 11/20/2013 06:23 AM

You have gotten amazing advice here. Listen to it I know you want to take the easy way but the easy way has pain later and a lot more to sacrafice. Like self respect or example for your child! All yes ALL waywards say the same crap. Mine also said " we were friends once and we will be again you will see" she is out of her f--king mind. I told her to take her fantasy divorce along with her fantasy marraige I will NEVER speak to her again. As matter of fact I cut off ties to all and isolated till I heal. It's all about me and kids now. My opinion is you will make a mistake. Do not allow him to make you plan B. you are better than that. All the best.

whatamidoing posted 11/30/2013 06:50 AM

I have no idea why I am struggling so much with this. I hardly sleep for months. I cry a lot. Last night when I fell asleep from crying I had nightmares. It was one year ago today that XWH choose the OW over me in an email to both of us. And then less than an hour later he started to call and text and email and was the most remorseful WH he had been since DD and was never like that again. He begged and told me he was wrong and it lasted.... less than 48 hours. And somehow the fond memory of that has me upset?? WTH is wrong with me? I pay my bills and his and look after the kids and work a crazy full time job and get no sleep and I am back to working out(yeah me!) and still I am paralyzed over this?
Why I can see he is not capable of every turning things around and trying to get me to R
I can see in a few ways I am better off without him
I can see that I am more valuable that he thinks
Why am I stuck
I have been officially divorced for a month (I did it) and still I am afraid of dating (it makes me feel sick) but I have not had sex in over a year and I have not been comforted loved or anything for way longer than that and I am so lonely.
I know I need a better social circle I am just not capable I am so busy I just want to come home to a great husband who rubs my shoulders and warms up the bed and listens to my stories of the day and tells me his
Just a sad vent prior to dragging my tiered but to work this am
thanks for listening

hexed posted 11/30/2013 08:32 AM

my X and I had known each other since first grade. Been friends and dated some in HS. We'd been friends for a long time before we started dating. We always had some sort of connection in our teens and early 20s before we were a couple.

When we separated, i think he thought we would just go back to that place, that connection. Of course I missed it. He had ALWAYS been part of my life. It took me a loooooong time, years after dday to completely sever that connection. We are 'friendly'. I would feel concern for him if he had a major health scare. I don't wish bad things for him anymore. I occasionally share a meal with him to discuss DS. HOWEVER I recognize very clearly that we are NOT friends.

He can't discuss his primary romantic relationship with me b/c its with OW. I couldn't call him 24/7 in an emergency b/c OW might be around. He can't share with OW if he and I have had a phone conversation. Friends don't have to hide parts of their lives from their friends.

And the thing that really set in for me at some point.. sure he was overly guilty and did lots of things for me during the first couple years that he wasn't required to do...sure he said all the right things...but..... I now KNOW for 100% sure that he is capable of hurting me like that. He is capable of discarding me in an instant. My friends don't do that.

hurting2much posted 11/30/2013 09:05 AM

For me, I can't be "friends" with XH, for the reasons others have mentioned (my friends don't treat me with total disrespect). However, I can be civil with XH, for our DD's sake. I don't mistake be civil with being friends. I owe him nothing; I don't want him as a friend.

It does hurt me to see the relationship between XH and DD19 not as good as it should be. But that is not my role anymore; I can't fix it, make it better, etc, like I use to when we were married. It is now XH's responsibility to maintain/foster a relationship with DD, and if he screws it up, then he will have to pay the consequences, not me. But, it is so hard to see DD in pain, to hear her questions (questions that I can't answer, but she won't ask her dad), to hear her describe her relationship with her dad as "superficial". But again, there are all sorts of consequences for his actions, and he is now really living them.

anewday78 posted 11/30/2013 10:20 AM

Whatamidoing, I'm sorry if this comes across as if I'm swinging 2x4s - maybe I am - but I think you need to start shedding the unfair role of martyr. Your username says it all - what ARE you doing? You've put up with entirely too much. Don't you think it's time to live your life for you? Are you in IC? If not, you should probably get there.

#1. grade as a coworker... other than the affair and the spot he put me in his is the best coworker I have ever had. work a holic, very good A #2. grade as a parents... if I organize and make sure everything is moving he is a B if not he is a C. His daughter (17) wants nothing to do with him and I don't know that this is right.? #3. As a husband D #4. As a friend when he is right there C when he is away from me D What if he can't figure out how to be sorry and all he can do is say the words and keep acting like its all ok?

Your grading is generous at best, ridiculous at its very worst. #1 A good coworker is professional, courteous, and works hard to make the working environment a comfortable one for all. Your husband's affair was very public - everybody in your professional circle was privy to it because your husband was audacious enough to flaunt it for all to see - creating an awkward and uncomfortable working environment for you and your coworkers as he publicly humiliated you and no doubt offended those with a working moral compass. Final professional grade: F #2 Your husband spent little time parenting as he paraded his mistress around so publicly that his own children knew what was going on. It's affected his children so much that his 17 year old daughter wants nothing to do with him. That's enough information to determine his final grade in the area of parenting - Final parenting grade: F #3 Are you serious with your "husband" grade!? A "D!?" Really!? He has been PUBLICLY cheating on you for how long? Final husband grade: F #4 Friends don't purposely do things to hurt their friends. Your husband is a grown man and therefore knows that his affair has hurt and/or negatively impacted his family, friends, and colleagues yet he's done NOTHING to end the behaviors that have caused the colossal damage to his relationships across the board. He is not a friend, he is selfish and inconsiderate and, you're right, he really DOESN'T know how to be sorry. He's only sorry now that he's been dumped. If he still had his mistress, you'd still have the shit sandwich he's been serving up for the past 2+ years. Final friend grade: F. The results are in, Whatamidoing, and the bottom line is - your xh is a failure.

WTH is wrong with me? I pay my bills and his and look after the kids and work a crazy full time job and get no sleep and I am back to working out(yeah me!) and still I am paralyzed over this?

Only IC can determine if there's truly something "wrong with you," as in FOO issues perhaps? The only thing any of us can determine is the things you're DOING wrong. You are now divorced. Why are you "paying his bills!?" Why are you having "family dinners?" Why are you STILL acting like not only this man's wife, but also his doormat? Why are you allowing yourself to STILL lose sleep, struggling PHYSICALLY because you're focusing so much on making life more comfortable for everybody else rather than yourself - including a "man" who clearly does not ultimately give a damn about how his actions affect you? He's not sorry for what he's done to you, he's sorry because it's now becoming abundantly clear to him that he has turned out to be the true loser due to his course of conduct over the past couple of years. Don't you think it's time you start to see him as the loser he is? Don't you think it's time you start treating him as the failure he is - failure as a colleague, parent, husband, and friend? When are you going to start focusing on your needs and the needs of your daughter over focusing on how you can knock some sense into this epic failure of a man? Your daughter wants nothing to do with your husband for very good reasons, you should follow her lead. There's no reason you can't conduct yourself as a professional when you MUST work with him, but do you handle your other colleagues' bills? Do you have family dinners with your colleagues 4 nights per week? Do you lose sleep over the calamities in your colleagues' personal lives? My guess is the answer to all those questions is a resounding "no." Your xh has made it emphatically clear (up until his recent breakup and ensuing pity-party) that he wants nothing more than a professional relationship with you - albeit, a professional relationship in which he fails miserably to conduct himself as a true professional. It's time you start to look at him and TREAT him as nothing more than a colleague - the kind you try to avoid at all costs. Please seek the assistance of an ic if you haven't already.

anewday78 posted 11/30/2013 10:28 AM

P.S. I suspect you'll be ready to consider "thinking about other men" and actually dating once you've actually considered going through with divorcing your XH. Until then, you'll be entwined in the histrionics of the utterly pathetic life he's creating for himself, his children, and YOU.
I'm sorry if I'm coming across as insensitive right now, but in real life, I'm the go-to friend for advice in the form of a good dose of tough love. I get the sense that's what you need right now - somebody to point you in the right direction and give you a good kick in the tush!
(((Whatamidoing)))

[This message edited by anewday78 at 10:30 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]

PurpleRose posted 11/30/2013 10:53 AM

Has anyone just dropped the affair and lies and hurt and just became their friend

Hell no! I truly do not need a friend like the Dooosh in my life.

Why does it matter? Well let's break it down....

It matters because:
I deserve more from a friend than continual lies and deceit. Add in the fact that he was my husband and that is the end of needing him for a friend. A friend like that will only add more misery to my life. He was supposed to be my "other half". The person, above all others, who loved and cherished me no matter what. Protector of our family unit, provider to our family unit, and he turned out to be one big fat incredible "jokes on you PR!" Who needs that?

He also told me, "we are going to be friends after all this. I'm not just abandoning you, Purple. I'm going to be here for whatever you need!"

Well, nooooo thank you! I didn't need an assault, I didn't need my life, hopes, and future destroyed. I certainly don't need a dickhead-sorry-excuse for a friend like him in my life.

And as it turns out, I don't need a friend who will keep on lying to me as he has. Over and over. I'm not sure if he even knows how to be truthful anymore. The COW has sucked all his brain cells out.

Ha!

whatamidoing posted 11/30/2013 12:05 PM

Thanks everyone for taking the time for replies
I am divorced (for a month now)
I have a few left over financial ties (mortgage and an account that my name was still on banks mistake but I paid anyway) I work with him and I used to love working with him, Now I can't get rid of the hurt and I know he is not my friend no matter what he says (he can't understand this at all) I am not having dinner with him he just asked I thought it would help patch up his and his daughters relationship
I am in IC and read often and know I have some issues with Codependency
I just want to be happy now
and after this long I think I deserve it
I have applied to a 100 jobs and can't get one so I stay here
I am good at what I do and built this business as much as he did so walking away is just letting him win one more way and me eating shit
You would have to be here to truly get how not easy this mess it... even my parents who live here in my house started by saying just don't talk to him just ignore him be done with him, get him fired, tell someone, get rid of his mail etc... but each one of these well meaning tips just resulted in my paying more hurting more and working more
There is no out for me
I can just ignore what he did to me and then peace will come at work
I can give up work and then peace will come at home till I lose everything
Thanks
I just wanted to vent
I know there is no solution and definitely no easy one
I am not trying to be the victim
I don't know why I am still stuck even though I do the right things... I do NC except work and kids, I divorced him, I look after me
I see him for who he is
I also see me for who I am
Thanks again
You are all very strong and well adjusted people. I am sorry for what you went through and know you are survivors.

anewday78 posted 11/30/2013 17:32 PM

Whatamidoing, please don't take my input here as an attack - I can't help but sense you did from reading your response. That said, let me take a moment to point out all the things you're doing right. First, I think the fact that you actually went through with the divorce demonstrates a lot more strength and awareness than many other people demonstrate in situations like like this. The fact is, your situation is quite unique given that your interactions with him reach beyond the home into the professional sphere as well. Second, the fact that you've carried yourself with such poise and dignity in the face of the adversity your xh and his affair have caused is a testament to the fact that YOU TOO ARE A SURVIVOR. The point I was trying to make in my previous responses was that, despite the fact that you must work so closely with him moving forward (you should NOT give up your career until something bigger and better comes along), you do NOT have to continue to follow closely behind him and clean up the messes he makes in his own life. That is no longer your job and doing so only keeps you attached to him and him feeling not only dependent on your intervention but also entitled to it - he will grow to expect it and you default to that behavior as second nature. For instance, if he feels as though there's some reparations needed in his relationship with his daughter, it is HIS responsibility to facilitate those repairs and has absolutely nothing to do with you. Therefore, you should have nothing to do with the steps he takes in repairing his relationship with his daughter. Should you have any issues with your relationship with your daughter, you certainly won't go to him to help repair the damage, will you? The point is, how can you be expected to get any sleep or think of doing things like dating when you're so busy focusing your precious time and energies on making sound decisions and following up with reasonable actions on behalf of not only yourself but also the man whom you legally divorced a month ago? When he calls you and says he loves you and wants to make sure you're taken care of, you must establish and communicate your boundaries at that very moment. For instance, "That is inappropriate. You and I are no longer married. If I truly felt that I needed you to take care of me and that you truly loved me, I would not have divorced you. I understand that you and I must be cordial for the sake of our daughter and our professional affiliations; however, please make no mistake, that ship has sailed on the personal front so please don't go there again."

whatamidoing posted 12/1/2013 06:41 AM

Thanks again
I see your comments for what they are. Honest and helpful. I don't know why I can't apply them and do feel pathetic for my lack of mental buy in to moving on. Hope killed me.
I don't love work without him, it feels empty and lonely and I lack passion.
The rest of the my life seems fine without him, less tension and loneliness and more independence
I don't get it its weird
I just want to love work and be successful but I see my only two options would be to just forgive him and move on like he isnt this guy or to move on to some other job. Cause two years like this has been hell
Again I don't take offense I am mostly embarrassed with my lack of back bone