[This message edited by stronger08 at 7:25 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]
As for your question, I refuse to be friends with my STBXWW. After multiple A's and a 3 yr LTA with a coworker she still can't understand why I can't be friends with her. The answer is simple, friends don't treat each other the way she treated me. Hell, she was my WIFE so why would I wan't to remain friends with someone that had so little respect for me that they would treat me like I am less than a person. She stole years of my life away that I will never get back. Yes I have to deal with her because of the kids but I definitely don't have to be friends with her. NC unless it's kids and finances. Being friends...she lost that privilege on DDay and never took any steps to earn it back so it's gone forever.
As for retribution, I had to let that go. Will she ever get what she deserves, I don't know but really it's not my problem. I would rather focus on moving forward with my life. The more I focus on karma the more she remains in my headspace and I am on a mission to scrub her from my brain completely. My life isn't what I imagined it would be but that doesn't make it any less or not as good. I mourned the loss of my M but my life is what I make it now. I am okay with that especially since I no longer have to deal with a selfish liar anymore.
Friends don't treat each other like shit. Unremorseful WS's are not friends, they are leeches or emotional vampires and since your WH's AP has dumped him he is looking for anotehr neck to bite. Don't fall for it. I wish you the best. Focus on you and going NC as much as possible with your WH.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 7:41 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]
Has anyone just dropped the affair and lies and hurt and just became their friend?
This is exactly what my ex wants as well. Since damn near Dday he expected me to "move on" from all he had done and was still doing and treat him like a friend. I don't want to be friends with a person with no conscience, empathy, respect for me or capacity to love. He can take his fake "friendship" and shove it right up his butt because I don't ever want that in my life. No one deserves a "friend" like him except other soulless assholes like himself.
He doesn't want you to be his friend. He wants you to roll over and do what you used to do for him without expecting even basic decency in return. If he could do these things to you without remorse while being your husband, just imagine what he'd be willing to do while being your "friend".
I don't want to be friends with a person with no conscience, empathy, respect for me or capacity to love. He can take his fake "friendship" and shove it right up his butt because I don't ever want that in my life. No one deserves a "friend" like him except other soulless assholes like himself.
I've made it very clear to him that he and I will never be friends. I'm civil with him. We are cordial in front of the children and have gotten to a point lately where we really are NC. The only contact we have is kids or finances.
He does not possess a single quality that I look for in a friend. The thought of having dinner with the Gnat and having to paste a fake smile on my face is horrific to me. I don't want to hear about his life. I don't care unless it affects the kids or the finances. Other than that he can just keep his mouth shut, be a parent and pay his child support. I look forward to the day when we no longer have to co-parent and we can just give each other a friendly nod at our children's weddings. I don't plan on speaking to him any more than that.
I find it mind boggling that XH, knowing this whole story, would even conceive I'd ever be his pal after this shit. I've frozen that dizzy bitch out for much, much, much less than the gargantuan pile of evil XH heaped on me. And he's deluded enough to think we'll ever be buddies???
Now: happy in life, happily in love with the RIGHT man
Everything is as it should be.
When we separated, i think he thought we would just go back to that place, that connection. Of course I missed it. He had ALWAYS been part of my life. It took me a loooooong time, years after dday to completely sever that connection. We are 'friendly'. I would feel concern for him if he had a major health scare. I don't wish bad things for him anymore. I occasionally share a meal with him to discuss DS. HOWEVER I recognize very clearly that we are NOT friends.
He can't discuss his primary romantic relationship with me b/c its with OW. I couldn't call him 24/7 in an emergency b/c OW might be around. He can't share with OW if he and I have had a phone conversation. Friends don't have to hide parts of their lives from their friends.
And the thing that really set in for me at some point.. sure he was overly guilty and did lots of things for me during the first couple years that he wasn't required to do...sure he said all the right things...but..... I now KNOW for 100% sure that he is capable of hurting me like that. He is capable of discarding me in an instant. My friends don't do that.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
It does hurt me to see the relationship between XH and DD19 not as good as it should be. But that is not my role anymore; I can't fix it, make it better, etc, like I use to when we were married. It is now XH's responsibility to maintain/foster a relationship with DD, and if he screws it up, then he will have to pay the consequences, not me. But, it is so hard to see DD in pain, to hear her questions (questions that I can't answer, but she won't ask her dad), to hear her describe her relationship with her dad as "superficial". But again, there are all sorts of consequences for his actions, and he is now really living them.
#1. grade as a coworker... other than the affair and the spot he put me in his is the best coworker I have ever had. work a holic, very good A #2. grade as a parents... if I organize and make sure everything is moving he is a B if not he is a C. His daughter (17) wants nothing to do with him and I don't know that this is right.? #3. As a husband D #4. As a friend when he is right there C when he is away from me D What if he can't figure out how to be sorry and all he can do is say the words and keep acting like its all ok?
WTH is wrong with me? I pay my bills and his and look after the kids and work a crazy full time job and get no sleep and I am back to working out(yeah me!) and still I am paralyzed over this?
[This message edited by anewday78 at 10:30 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]
Has anyone just dropped the affair and lies and hurt and just became their friend
Hell no! I truly do not need a friend like the Dooosh in my life.
Why does it matter? Well let's break it down....
It matters because:
I deserve more from a friend than continual lies and deceit. Add in the fact that he was my husband and that is the end of needing him for a friend. A friend like that will only add more misery to my life. He was supposed to be my "other half". The person, above all others, who loved and cherished me no matter what. Protector of our family unit, provider to our family unit, and he turned out to be one big fat incredible "jokes on you PR!" Who needs that?
He also told me, "we are going to be friends after all this. I'm not just abandoning you, Purple. I'm going to be here for whatever you need!"
Well, nooooo thank you! I didn't need an assault, I didn't need my life, hopes, and future destroyed. I certainly don't need a dickhead-sorry-excuse for a friend like him in my life.
And as it turns out, I don't need a friend who will keep on lying to me as he has. Over and over. I'm not sure if he even knows how to be truthful anymore. The COW has sucked all his brain cells out.
It's OKAY to be scared.
Being scared means you're about
to do something really, really brave.