My heart so badly wants to turn itoff again. Between my mind and how my heart feels, the pain , the sadness, shame and the feeling of useless came crumbling into it last night.
I've allways been the strong one. THe one who thinks logically in crisis, who is the person to goto for answers. Crisis means turning off the feeling. But it also means coldness and it also means all negative angry strong type emotions, the ones that carry you through the day when nothing else will.
That's what I feel my heart saying. Hearing my BH voice over the phone, his tears , his anger , his hurt, the loss, the disbelief, the defeat, the fact that he is happy away at work, and not so much here, that nothing has changed.
And for him it may be so, for me, the changes have been internal, my thought patterns my way of looking at things.
And yet there is still that part of me that wants to turn off. To be open and vulnerable hurts, and I know if he leaves I will be even more broken, I can feel it happening.
Im working so hard not to turn that switch off, to allow myself to feel.
My councellor has tried to get me to see why that part of me is in me. And I understand it and I know it was used to protect me, but it is another one of my tools that have had such a negative impact on my adult life , especially my marriage.
Its also affected my relationship with my parents and siblings, they are close but the more I look at the relationships its on a superficial basis. Its built on lies and secrets, so how can any feelings be true.
SOrry I am all over the place. I have been trying to journal, vocalize, voice record , video record, my thoughts and feelings and its not working. It so stuck in my head and I can't get it out. Or if I do its like this jumbled mess.
Well goodmorning all, time to start the day. I've cancelled my appointments for the day, kinda useless to even try today. Going for coffee with a girlfriend , she talks lot so I won't have too. Thanks for listening this morning.