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R when you don't love anymore

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Oldernotwiser posted 11/19/2013 09:27 AM

Is anyone else out there struggling with a loss of feelings for their WS? At best I feel like he is a familiar friend, at worst I think no real friend would ever hurt you this way and then lie for 25 yrs. I suspected all those years, he denied and lied. Finally about 10 years ago I tried to build a life for myself with good friends and a job I was happy at. Then we moved to a small town where I really have no friends, just acquaintances, and the story begins to come out. It almost feels like he waited until I would not have support, or a job or anything that would give me a little help or relief to escape this. In fact it came out because he was getting himself into it again and I found out. He says he planned to go to the grave with it nicely boxed up and put away.
Anyway, I see how I am coping by not getting emotionally involved again, can you recover this way? What will it be? I don't think we ever developed skills and at this point I have little incentive to build real intimacy.
Has anyone else rediscovered "love" for the WS?

heforgotme posted 11/19/2013 09:33 AM

Has anyone else rediscovered "love" for the WS?

Yes, but I think it really requires a Herculean effort on their part.

Right after DDay I was flooded with love for WH. All I could remember was all the good stuff and all the hopes and dreams I had for us. Kind of like when someone dies.

Then at some point, I guess when reality really set in, it kind of dried up. He had completely turned himself around and it felt like I was living with a very nice stranger.

But now it's back. Not just the love, but the whole "in love" thing.

So, it's possible

sisoon posted 11/19/2013 10:24 AM

Why stay married? Why not split and go back to good friends and a good job and possibly a relationship with a man that is based on love? (I mean those as real questions.)

Oldernotwiser posted 11/19/2013 10:40 AM

35 years invested, the fact that all has been kept a secret, it would really shock my family and children. I am now disabled and can't earn my own living, been away from my friends for 7 years now. I feel very stuck! He's a much more pleasant person now than he ever was, I just don't feel like I love him as a husband. Like I said sometimes I like him but there is always the thought of how he could lie to my face and do the stuff he did and it's like I feel protective of myself now by not being emotionally connected. We get along pretty well as long as I don't want to talk. I do my "jobs" he earns the living. We take trips now and then, both hoping for grandchildren etc.
I am still wondering if we can have a recovery without love. BTW he never told me he loved in all those years but now he says it often, I used to wish so to hear it then now it kind of hurts to hear it. Actually said to me once "I don't love you but, will let you know if I ever so". I guess he honks he does now.

karmahappens posted 11/19/2013 10:44 AM

I wish I had magic words.

"I don't love you but, will let you know if I ever so".

This hurt me to read. I am sorry, really sorry for your pain.

atsenaotie posted 11/19/2013 10:52 AM


I understand what you are saying. FWW is more a roommate or dependent to care for than a spouse. We have fun some times, the M is better than it was for most of its existence and certainly better than during her A's. But the intimate connection is gone, and so is my respect for her.

I spoke of D to her about a year ago, but in our current situation D would be very difficult. My IC asked me what would be different for me after a D? As I thought about this I realized (other than the financial hits and family upheaval), not much. People talk of D-ing to then meet a new person to build a new life with. In my mid-50s I do not see this as a priority or even likely. If I were to D I see my focus going more to my career, relationship with my boys, and my hobbies. I can do these things while still Md to FWW. It would be nice to think of meeting the right person for a mutually supportive, intimate, and sexual relationship, but I do not see myself at this point putting enough effort into it to make it a reality.

Maybe after a few more years and I am settled into this new career, and my boys are out of school things will look different, but for now it is comfortable. Sure I would like to be touched and to have sex more, to have an intimate partner I respected, but simply D-ing does not make that happen or even likely.

Oldernotwiser posted 11/19/2013 11:28 AM

Sorry, clumsy fingers- should read, he thinks he does....

64fleet posted 11/19/2013 11:36 AM

what atsenaotie said, word for word.

betraydtwice posted 11/19/2013 11:53 AM

I feel the same way. Don't think I love this person anymore. Yes you are right in that it feels like a friend or maybe a family member that I don't like very much. With Christmas coming, I feel such a loss..such sadness over what he broke. I look at him now and I feel sad for him..He and I both know that no-one will ever love him like I did....Emphasis on DID

Oldernotwiser posted 11/19/2013 11:54 AM

Yes, comfortable is what we are. Unless we try to talk about our history, that is not comfortable for him. I used to fantasize about being treated as a valued person, now he finally does & I move away? What sense does that make? It just feels like I know him & he is "acting" nice. This worked for him several times, 1) dating me 2) dating AP # 1 & #2 and with young thing he was flirting with but not in PA with. He has never been too good at being nice long term though so I guess I keep my guard up not to be fooled again. I used to wish he would come home & we could talk about work and things, now he does and I can hardly focus on what he is saying. I try to look interested and stay focused but sometimes it is tiring to only be able to talk about him.
If he would ever volunteer anything about what went on I think I would perk right up and be very interested. He has a "bad" memory.

2married2quit posted 11/19/2013 12:14 PM

I know how you feel. I think what has helped me is time and although I'd say her remorse hasn't been impressive, I have taken the time to put myself in her shoes. To view how broken she was inside from the information she has told me. It's like putting together a puzzle. The FOO, the traumas from a young age, the current circumstances, influential issues, personal flaws..etc. I was finally able to see it in her perspective.

Since I love her, I was hurting inside for her. She threw away her reputation, her self esteem, her morals, her husband and family. Who the hell does that? She's a responsible good person...what happened?

So I'm learning to love her again. She's gotta score points with me of course, and it's not the same thing anymore, but now we have something to work on and build on. Quitting may sound easy, but it's not.

SmallButStrong posted 11/19/2013 22:10 PM

Absolutely. I posted yesterday about my "daytime date" with my FWH, and how it felt like a funeral. It wasn't awful - in fact, it was pleasant on many levels - but was a far cry from a romantic date with someone I love or am falling in love with. I felt like we were already divorced.

It's really hard to love someone fully after they choose to put your love and life you've built together on the line for a temporary rush. I'm dealing with having to let go of my husband turning my son's bedroom into his "hotel room" with his AP. And for him to say that he never meant to hurt the kids...well how much closer to the kids can you get than screwing another woman on their furniture!! The only thing closer would be doing it in front of them!!!

Ugh, how is that love ever restored? I don't know. But I know that you are not alone.

[This message edited by SmallButStrong at 10:10 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

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