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anyone forget what being married to WS feels like?

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Spelljean posted 11/19/2013 13:51 PM

It's been about a 18 months since we lived together as a somewhat normal married couple. And I can't even remember relating to WH as a husband, I can't remember the "dailies" at all, I can't recall what we used to talk about.

Maybe its a defense mechanism of some sort, but everything I think and feel about WH ALL relates to OW, dday, his personality changes and the way he acts now (though he is beginning to resemble his "old" self more and more)

I'm not so concerned with the fact that I am forgetting him, so much as I'm worried the trauma has caused some cognitive issues with me.

Maybe this is normal part of a stress reaction or something. Feels literally like amnesia of some sort.

pregnantandsad posted 11/19/2013 14:08 PM

Yes! It's so strange. We have only been living apart about 4 months, but I do forget what it felt like to be married to him. I spend so much of my days thinking about all that has happened and wondering how he was capable of doing this. I think about the damage he caused to me and our kids, but very rarely do I have any memories of us together in our daily life.

nutmegkitty posted 11/19/2013 14:17 PM

I do think it's a stress reaction. I've fogotten huge, entire chunks of time relating to the marriage.

Spelljean posted 11/19/2013 14:29 PM

Thank you, I'm a little less worried. It has me weirded out.

Always something new.


sunsetslost posted 11/19/2013 14:32 PM

I did. For a few months. There was a five week span where there were no texts, emails or calls at all. Then the house refi got rolling. It sucked me back in. It all came crashing back down when I moved out on Saturday. But it is the best possible thing long term. I have to start forgetting all over again

Dreamboat posted 11/19/2013 14:44 PM

I have virtually no memory of the 18-24 months following dday. As an example, there are movies that I saw during that time that I know I saw but when I watch them again it is like watching for the first time. I do remember the big painful events but almost nothing of the day to day things.

I recall what it was like before the A but I choose not to think about it.

Spelljean posted 11/19/2013 14:53 PM

Yes, it could be I'm blocking the memories somehow. Weird, you think I'd block the horrific ones, not the normal ones.

I do remember the good times just fine too.

Its the daily life, the way we used to communicate with eachother, the husband-wife relationship that I have blocked.

ChoosingHope posted 11/19/2013 15:01 PM

I am so thankful you posted this thread. I've been a little worried about my sanity. I was married for 16 years, now separated/divorcing for 2+ years, and I can hardly recall any conversations with my husband during my marriage.

Even more troubling, I know he gaslighted me on a daily basis, and then guilted me into shutting up. But I can't quite remember HOW - or rather, the specifics of ANY of these daily conversations.

It's so troubling. My attorneys have even asked me about it. I'm convinced it's PTSD.

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 3:17 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Lost15 posted 11/19/2013 15:14 PM

I too suffer from this, sometimes I feel like I have a form of PTSD. It is so weird some days. I seem to dwell on him and her living happily in our family home. I miss my husband but at the same time I don't really remember who he was. This one isn't the same guy.

StillLivin posted 11/19/2013 15:24 PM

It's a coping mechanism. It helps you process the pain of the A. However, the more painful memories for you are actually the loving moments. Your not able to rehash the pain of lost M yet.
If the memories don't come back within a year, then you may be repressing.
This is a common side effect for some.
Unfortunately, I remember everything, both good and bad, with abnormal vividnous and clarity. More like PTSD for me. Wish I didn't.
The loving memories hurt like hell for a while and made it harder for my heart to catch up with my brain.
Blehhh

Spelljean posted 11/19/2013 15:32 PM

Great responses and I feel a little better thank you.

My first marriage is now more vivid than this one. And that was 25 years ago. Crazy stuff. Guess I will remember when I feel it is safe to do so.

Spelljean posted 11/19/2013 15:38 PM

Choosing hope, I think blogging is a great idea.

sometimes I wish I was someone that kept a diary over my life. I never did.

Maybe a good time to start one?

Housefulloflove posted 11/19/2013 16:10 PM

It's beginning to fade. Sometimes I'll be watching something on TV or watching a movie that has an asshole husband or wife being sneaky about being an asshole and creating drama in a covert way and it'll trigger a memory of life with my ex. I don't know how I got so comfortable living with someone so emotionally immature. I learned what to say, what not to say, how to say something and how to do everything I could do on my by myself so that my husband didn't transform into a whiny baby on me and make life miserable for a while because I dared need/want something from him that he hadn't offered to give on his own accord. I was more than willing to adapt to anything because he was a "good" and "loyal" man! I'm glad I'm no adjusted to that way of life!

Ugh...I can't wait until it's all a distant memory!

Williesmom posted 11/19/2013 18:59 PM

Exactly the same here. It's been 5.5 years for me. I'm having trouble with the thought of even living with someone ever again, because if can't fathom it.

Thefly559 posted 11/19/2013 19:44 PM

PTSD is a definate. I have all the symptoms. It is so crazy that you posted this I just left IC and she asked me recall something in the marraige , I drew a blank almost like my mind blocked it out. Unconsciously. It was so wierd but now that you posted that I know it is normal. Thank you.

tryingagain74 posted 11/19/2013 20:28 PM

Yep-- I feel like that life belonged to someone else. I can't believe that we spent 17 years together, and now he's a total stranger to me. The one thing I do remember, though, is how most of our conversations focused on him and his interests. It feels good to be free of that.

FaithFool posted 11/19/2013 21:58 PM

The one thing I do remember, though, is how most of our conversations focused on him and his interests. It feels good to be free of that.

This, exactly.

I remember early on in our marriage that whenever I would express a strong opinion about something, he'd always say "get off your high horse." I heard that so many times that I eventually just started keeping my opinions to myself.

(How ironic that the OW that broke the marriage was an utterly narcissistic highly opinionated ball-breaking bitch.)

Like Willies Mom, I can't picture doing anything similar ever again.

lifestoshort posted 11/19/2013 22:36 PM

I agree with that last post and quote entirely.
my life living with a habitual cheater was constant stress, heart palpitations, anxiety and insanity. I never knew what was going to happen that day. once he left, it was immediate relief. not completely free of it but HUGE difference.
I lost alot of myself and my childs life trying to just live. its sucked. I will never repeat that again

Vulcanized posted 11/20/2013 04:05 AM

so that my husband didn't transform into a whiny baby on me and make life miserable for a while because I dared need/want something from him that he hadn't offered to give on his own accord. I was more than willing to adapt to anything because he was a "good" and "loyal" man!

This times a million. As for remembering married life, yes, in great detail. Maybe b/c I'm so far out? Still get a little sad & nostalgic for the facade (I guess). Don't know how real what I remember was anymore, if that makes sense.

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