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sportsfan posted 11/19/2013 14:10 PM

What if you, the BS, could’ve been there when your WS first decided to move forward toward the A? When he/she agreed to meet the AP knowing he/she was going to go through with IT. When WS got into the car, started it, backed out of the driveway and drove away.

In my case that is how I imagine it really beginning, physically. Not when they actually met (he interviewed her for a position in his very large company at a job fair). Sure, he laid the groundwork there … they met later that day to continue the discussion … he found his prey and pounced. I get that. But it was weeks later that my W actually committed to meet with him again and stay with him at his hotel.

I wonder when that lightbulb went off. Was it the day before she drove to see him? The day before that? While she was packing her clothes that morning? Was I near her / next to her when she made that decision? I really wish I knew.

Its been over 8 years since dday and we are R’d yet that question still resonates. It does for several reasons but mostly for this; what if I were a fly on the wall that could read her mind at that fateful moment? Would I have understood her rationale (you see, I never have)? Would it have made sense to me? And although I couldn’t do anything to stop her, would I want to have been on that wall or on that lampshade or on the dashboard of her car to witness her decision?

I don’t know if I would … would you?

StillLivin posted 11/19/2013 14:14 PM

I'm sorry sportsfan that you still have even this piece of the A still bothering you.
If you are fully R'd and she has true R, then I hope you can one day be at peace and have closure with this.

karmahappens posted 11/19/2013 14:51 PM

I agree with stillLivin.

It saddens me that you have R'd and still struggle with this piece.

Can you, have you asked her? When her moment was?

Do you realize you could have been standing on top of her and it wouldn't have changed anything? It wasn't about you, and no matter how you try to move things around it won't ever be about you.

It was about her being broken.

The fly on the wall wouldn't have understood the language spoken that day because flies don't understand people and unbroken people don't understand A's

You will never make sense of that which doesn't make sense.


lostworld posted 11/19/2013 16:20 PM

I know I wouldn't have wanted to be a fly on the wall, but I can definitely relate to what you wrote. My H and I are fully R'd and happy, but that moment of decision time, that moment where he knew he was going to do something so monumental and so against everything he was, so sadly and wastefully destructive, remains perhaps the most painful part/memory of this journey. It doesn't cripple me at all any more, or effect our continued R, but it is the saddest and most tragically regretful memory/thought for me. (As an aside, in the Sandra Bullock movie Premonition, that moment is very prominently showcased, and it broke both my and my H's hearts to watch it.)

Ostrich80 posted 11/19/2013 16:31 PM

I have thought many times. What happened at home with me to finally give himself permission to take the step. They had been flirting for months, I'll probably never know what he told himself to do it.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 4:32 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

sportsfan posted 11/19/2013 16:45 PM

Thanks all for your replies.

@ lostworld - i remember when that movie first came out in the theaters and then to DVD. My W and I never considered watching for obvious reasons. But after reading your response, and the fact that my W is traveling, I thought i’d see if I could find it at Red Box. Not there, of course. Any idea where I might be able to locate it?

Tred posted 11/19/2013 16:47 PM


Do you have NetFlix or any video on demand? You might find it that way.

sportsfan posted 11/19/2013 17:04 PM

@ Tred - no, I don’t have NetFlix nor video on demand, unfortunately. I do, however, have the NHL Ticket on Direct TV and the Flyers are playing tonight so I wouldn’t mind watching the boys in orange get spanked!

Razor posted 11/19/2013 17:10 PM

I too can relate to this question. After many many years there are still questions remaining. They will probably always be there, and it's hard to find peace with not knowing.

Rebreather posted 11/19/2013 17:12 PM

I called him that night while he was at her house, claiming to be at dinner with a male friend. Called him back because I forgot to tell him something and he didn't pick up. Called right back and left a voicemail saying, "OMG, I can't believe you love Brian more than me! I forgot to tell you something! Call me, I love you."


I could have nailed a board to his ass and he still would have fallen in.

We cannot save them from themselves.

sportsfan posted 11/19/2013 21:15 PM

I guess that moment when my WS decided to go ahead with IT still sticks in my head. I don’t even think knowing about that moment, if I were to have somehow witnessed IT, would’ve made any difference to me now … but I don’t know for sure. I just sometimes think i’d like to know. I think i’d just like to know why, why at that exact moment she thought she should go through with IT. What was the deciding factor? What to her made sense that IT was the better option.

We really are in a good place, now. It took a long time, lots of questioning and wondering … but we’re OK. Our M is OK. Our kids, adults now, are OK too. I just have this lingering - kinda like a mosquito buzzing around my brain thing - that I still can’t swat.

Thanks for your replies!

Scubachick posted 11/19/2013 22:30 PM

My WH said his legs were shaking as he drove away from our house to go meet up with her the first time.

SoVerySadNow posted 11/20/2013 09:08 AM

I struggle with this daily and have asked WH at least 100 times. Last weekend it was a major topic for me.
WH kissed me and our month old (4 weeks!) baby goodbye and got on a plane. I was dealing with the recovery from an emergency C-section and was not even allowed to return to normal daily activities at that point.

He says he was having no wayward thoughts at all. Actually, he had not ever even crossed paths or knew AP even existed.
When he got off the plane in NY, she was the worker he rented a car from. But he started flirting with her, she flirted too. She kept his driver's license (how convenient) and called to return it to him after she got off work. They met at his hotel, went to his room and poured acid on my soul and detonated a nuclear bomb on our marriage and family.

There were so many stop signs that he ran through, and he should have been very protective of what he left at home. Instead he brought me an STD that ultimately caused many issues, including a miscarriage later.

So, no, I don't think anything could have stopped this train wreck. I have tortured myself examining every single "what if" imaginable.

lostworld posted 11/20/2013 10:22 AM

Hi sportsfan, I don't know where you can rent that movie. I've seen that it has been on cable a couple of different times. If you locate it, just be aware that it could likely be a "trigger-fest" and you would definitely want to make sure you were prepared for it. (When my H and I watched it, we didn't know infidelity would be part of the script.)

SoVerySadNow posted 11/20/2013 10:38 AM

Premonition turns up in those sale movie bins at stores such as Walmart too. Our library has some DVD's as well.

cancuncrushed posted 11/20/2013 11:26 AM

I was the fly on the wall. OW was a new employee, in H office, We went to company BBQ, she had never met me and had never seen any picture. She walked up to my H, and tried to tongue kiss him three times, with me standing right beside him. She had no clue who I was. (Apparently, she is also very very dumb) SHe never suspected his wife was there? Maybe she did, and wanted breakups. ?????? I got to see her in full acton. My H did not respond, other then shock. I cant say that it was helpful to me. It was DD for me. I fell apart at that moment. I couldnt believe what I saw. I asked myself a dozen quesions and the truth kept coming at me. It was shocking and painful. I feel I was the fly on the wall. I now wonder if it was meant to be, or was she trying to break us up? Hindsight says both. Premonition is currently playing on cable this month. I dvrd it.

sailorgirl posted 11/20/2013 11:35 AM

Would I have understood her rationale (you see, I never have)? Would it have made sense to me?

I think the answer to this is no, because part of being a wayward is refusing to think rationally. For my H, it's like his brain was scrambled, but he would not admit to himself or anyone else that something was wrong with him. He was thinking in twisted circles and stubbornly ignoring reality.

There was no Hollywood moment where he could have realized what he was doing, or heard my voice and stopped the slippery slope. Those moments happen to healthy people who are thinking clearly and living in reality. In my H's wayward mind, there was only emotion, fog, and denial. He didn't have a proper foundation, so no logic could take hold.

When he went to her house, he was on autopilot. He wasn't choosing between his beautiful family and an affair. He wasn't choosing between his smart, sexy, faithful wife and a lying, desperate, pitiful OW. His family and his wife were blocked out. He was just choosing not to get off the escalator. He wasn't thinking about where it was going (Hell) or what the consequences would be, just riding along.

His rational thought was obscured. His emotions were confused to the point of nonsense. If I ever were to be so messed-up I would examine myself. I would immediately stop everything and figure out what was wrong. I would not do anything until I had seen a counselor/doctor/my friends/my family asked for help, and sorted myself out.

But he's a WS because he didn't stop. He actually existed in that state for 17 months and did all kinds of stupid, stupid shit. That's not about fateful moments. It's about a disordered, unhealthy state of mind.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 11:39 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Razor posted 11/20/2013 11:54 AM

A long time ago I posed a question to many WS on a different forum than SI. It was about that decision and the action taken on it, and whether there was anything I (or any BS) could have done at that time to stop them from taking that action.

In summary. The answers were that there was nothing any BS could have done that would have changed things.

I doubt if that answer helps anyone. It didnt help me.

sisoon posted 11/20/2013 12:38 PM

Yeah, I'd like to have been there, simply to be able to know if my W has told me the truth. If I had been there, I may not have been able to stop it, but I surely could have cut it short.

sportsfan posted 11/20/2013 12:52 PM

I know it could be worse … being the fly on the wall option thing.

We lived near Megan Kanka when she was abducted and killed. The police knocked on our door asking for entry into our shed the morning before they found her body. Of course we obliged. I sub sequentially helped them search for her. That was horrific.

Her parents are wonderful people. They lived across the street from the predator. They have done great things since their child was murdered. I wonder if they wanted to be that fly on the wall? I don’t think so … in fact i’m sure they wouldn’t.

My sitch is certainly different, definitely no where near as traumatic. Maybe I should take a lesson from the Kenkas and morn the loss, appreciate the times yet ahead.

IDK ...

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