fWH and I have been in true R since about April of this year. This was after 10 months of false R during which he continued to see her platonically, as friends, periodically. NC was established in March, and he has been amazing since then.
But this past weekend, she broke NC with him, and he allowed it, although their conversation was short and limited and business-related. He did volunteer that they spoke, and was shocked when my reaction was nuclear.
Since then, I have been whisked back to Dday, and feel all the same pain and obsessive need to know where he is all the time. This morning I woke up at 4 and scoured his phone for 2 1/2 hours, finding nothing. He tells me that when I get upset like this, he worries that it'll never get better, I'll always be upset and sad about what he did. We're only 8 months out from our final and most devastating Dday. 8 months! And to be honest, even fWH himself would tell you that I have been amazing. The first few months were awful, but I've been incredibly accommodating and have done so much to change myself after finally becoming aware of the part I played in the deterioration of our marriage. It isn't as if I'm constantly upset with him. It comes and goes, and I'm usually able to punt it before I need to talk to him about it.
This morning, I told him that it really hadn't been fair of me to be so mad at him over the break in NC, that I should be mad at HER, because in the exact same situation last month, I happened to be there, and she didn't even make eye contact with him. When I wasn't there, she moved in and took advantage. Naturally, I'm still upset, and this morning, fWH told me, "I'm uncomfortable around anger." I told him I wasn't angry. And he said, "You just said you're angry at her!" So I guess he's uncomfortable around ANY anger at all? I got up to walk away, and he said, "I'm sorry I'm sharing my feelings!"
This has been a hot-button for us, his feelings. He doesn't show them, and I've encouraged him to share them with me. But then he gets mad at me when he does share feelings, and those feelings upset me. I told him that asking him to share his feelings didn't mean that I'd be thrilled to hear everything, and that he needed to understand that I'd probably be upset by some of them. But now he's basically telling me I can't be angry around him.
He detonated an atom bomb in the middle of my life, laughed while he was doing it, and now can't handle my anger. At ANYONE!
I retreated. I went and took a nap and then did laundry. He stopped me to hug me while I walked by, and I let him hug me, but you know what? I'm tired of being the one who takes the steps to make things better whenever we have a disagreement. At this point, he can have a try at making nice with ME! I can't imagine what it'd be like to have him come into the room where I'm sitting, and actually START a conversation meant to smooth things over between us. The last time he came into the room to have a conversation with me, he asked for a divorce because OW had issued him an ultimatum.
He won't do it, though. And I don't know if I can jolly myself out of this funk. Our relationship after Dday has been great, but I can't just forget nearly a year of lying and cheating and the creation of a whole second life he was living, complete with keys to her apartment and trips out of state together and proclamations to OW that she'd make a wonderful mother for our daughter. I can't just drop it, as much as he'd love me to.
I'd reconciled myself to the fact that I will probably never hear him say that he's ashamed of what he did, or that he can't believe he did it. He has said he's sorry he hurt me so much, and that he went about making himself feel better in the wake of our faltering marriage in completely the wrong way, but I know I'll never hear him say anything at all negative about OW. What he doesn't understand is that those things would go SO far in helping me to heal. But he can't give them to me.
Wonder what tonight will be like when he gets home? I'm going to be blue. Will he try to help on his own?
I think I know the answer.
Learning to be me, again!