Despite my desire to stay, love, and trust again...and despite the progress we are making... and despite my feeble attempt at understanding, my lizard brain is screaming.
She replied to an ad OM put on craigslist - are you insane to meet a total stranger? So, this wasn't emotional at all...you just wanted to fuck any random guy walking by?
They stopped using protection after a couple of times - omg, I have vomit in my mouth. She has HPV...and now he's a willing carrier. I want to blacklight everything. It's a special kind of betrayal now.
She brought him to our house - as soon as my flight left on Sunday or did you have the decency to wait a day until the corpse was cold? What room in our home ISN'T a fucking trigger now?
She has moments of doubt whether to stay married or not - then why am I agonizing over this and making any fucking effort at all? Guess MC is shot if you're not all in? Oh, you will go along just because you think I need it? Christ, any show of responsibility or ownership would be amazing.
So, back to conflicted with sexual performance problems and a strong feeling of judgementalism.
Anyone else ever regret the knowing?
Even if you didn't know all of the details, that would not change your pain. It would not change your feelings of betrayal. The details in my opinion helped me "validate" those feelings. But I believe we each process differently.
Ultimately, the decision how to handle is yours. Is this something that you can live with or not in your relationship. Only you know that. We each have our own level of what defines a deal breaker. It is ok if this is for you. It doesn't sound like she is very remorseful which adds to the pain.
Hugs to you. I know the pain is intolerable.
Nature, we haven't started MC yet and it may be backwards, but I want us to do as much together as possible. I tried IC recently but I wasn't ready? Hated the counselor? It was a Tuesday?
Given the choice, I choose knowing. It is reality, it is hard.
But, me..., I'd rather live with the ugly truth than a pretty lie. Once ugly has already happened, that's your choice about knowing.
Your choices on what you choose to do now that you know are not as limited.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
MC can be helpful in deciding on your outcome. IC is even better for that.
All As suck. A year-long A has the added dimensions of ongoing, planned betrayals and lies. Because so much has been hidden, it's really difficult to hide it all forever. If you don't hear it now, stuff is likely to trickle out inadvertently. That leaves you vulnerable to learning about these horrible events years from now and from what I read here, that's even harder to deal with than learning now.
I am glad I know the details so we can start over with a foundation built on truth. But it is very difficult esp in our home. We have burnt and trashed things like bed and couch. But whore planted things specifically for me to find such as bra, underwear, card etc which made it very traumatic. She emailed me, texted and sent pics, slahed my tires, trying to get me to divorce cuz she wanted my life. She made things personal towards me and stalked me during A. Craigslist should be put out of business for the damage they contribute to society.
At 10 months post dday I finally feel safe in our home and with him. Time passing has played a big part as well as lots of deep talks and sharing.
I believe I'm moving out of the anger and rage stage. And his skills have improved in how hes helping.
Books that helped us are How to help your spouse heal from affair, after the affair and how can i forgive you by janice springs. Big takeaway is forgiveness is earned. We both didnt want ic or mc.
[This message edited by whattheh at 2:08 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]
Anyone else ever regret the knowing?
I'd rather know than not know.
I'd rather know what I'm dealing with, so I can make the best decision possible.
I am so sorry for your pain!
I read messages on her computer as they were "finishing" their sexting. I'd consider a slight lobotomy to get what I read out of my brain.
"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown
I felt like knowing the whole truth was necessary to knowing the full extent of what we were dealing with, thus knowing best how to handle it / move forward.