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Newest Member: hstones (61101)

User Topic: I can't unknow it
♂ 41286
Member # 41286
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked for honesty and got it. Now I have to learn to live with a whole new nightmare. On the plus side, her confessions were forthcoming and I wasn't asking easy to answer questions. Kudos for that.

Despite my desire to stay, love, and trust again...and despite the progress we are making... and despite my feeble attempt at understanding, my lizard brain is screaming.

She replied to an ad OM put on craigslist - are you insane to meet a total stranger? So, this wasn't emotional at just wanted to fuck any random guy walking by?

They stopped using protection after a couple of times - omg, I have vomit in my mouth. She has HPV...and now he's a willing carrier. I want to blacklight everything. It's a special kind of betrayal now.

She brought him to our house - as soon as my flight left on Sunday or did you have the decency to wait a day until the corpse was cold? What room in our home ISN'T a fucking trigger now?

She has moments of doubt whether to stay married or not - then why am I agonizing over this and making any fucking effort at all? Guess MC is shot if you're not all in? Oh, you will go along just because you think I need it? Christ, any show of responsibility or ownership would be amazing.

So, back to conflicted with sexual performance problems and a strong feeling of judgementalism.

Anyone else ever regret the knowing?

Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are can't unknow. However, sometimes the not knowing is worse. Your mind can make the scenario so much worse too. There is no good answer.

Even if you didn't know all of the details, that would not change your pain. It would not change your feelings of betrayal. The details in my opinion helped me "validate" those feelings. But I believe we each process differently.

Ultimately, the decision how to handle is yours. Is this something that you can live with or not in your relationship. Only you know that. We each have our own level of what defines a deal breaker. It is ok if this is for you. It doesn't sound like she is very remorseful which adds to the pain.

Hugs to you. I know the pain is intolerable.

Me-54 BS
Him 61-WS
Married 34 yrs, together 37
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for your pain. How about if you take a break for a couple weeks from MC and spend that time in IC instead?

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♂ 41286
Member # 41286
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just sucks. Ugh. Sitting in a hotel 1000 miles away and hashing over what I know and wishing I were at home to talk it out and know for sure that when the phone goes unanswered it's because she is cooking and not driving across town.

Nature, we haven't started MC yet and it may be backwards, but I want us to do as much together as possible. I tried IC recently but I wasn't ready? Hated the counselor? It was a Tuesday?

Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio
♀ 19636
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you're right, you can't unknow it.....and it will never unhappen.

Given the choice, I choose knowing. It is reality, it is hard.

But, me..., I'd rather live with the ugly truth than a pretty lie. Once ugly has already happened, that's your choice about knowing.

Your choices on what you choose to do now that you know are not as limited.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3840 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
♀ 41407
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I posted, I was kicked in the gut with this news mid August. H is (was) , I always thought, law abiding, of moral character, and wary of disease. Apparently not.
His prostitute of choice is 20. I've spent hours upon hours on this site reading of the heartache of others, and feeling my own. I do *get* that it isn't my fault intellectually, but where do you put the feelings of self judgement? Like: I wear old nightgowns to bed, I do not choose sexy/slutty clothing, I no longer have a flat stomach, (but I might soon if I can't start eating right again). I am 62 years old and he PICKED a 20 year old kid to have sex with.
Anyway, thank you thank you thank you for reaching out to me.
Funny though, I don't see much info on here regarding prostitutes!
Posts: 1 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida

Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 764 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you'll see that you're better off knowing. Now you know at least some of what you have to accept if you choose to R.

MC can be helpful in deciding on your outcome. IC is even better for that.

All As suck. A year-long A has the added dimensions of ongoing, planned betrayals and lies. Because so much has been hidden, it's really difficult to hide it all forever. If you don't hear it now, stuff is likely to trickle out inadvertently. That leaves you vulnerable to learning about these horrible events years from now and from what I read here, that's even harder to deal with than learning now.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16549 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 40032
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH also answered whore'sCraigslist ad, had unprotected sex after condom broke, caught HPV and gave to me and allowed it aka psycho bitch into our home. He has also threatened divorce occasionally when my anger and his guilt became too intense. I told him I'm the one that gets to threaten that and he needed to man up. Last time he threatened I told him yes and started planning details. He backed off and truly starting helping me the way I needed. I have told him what I need from the start because I figured he was clueless if he was capable of cheating.

I am glad I know the details so we can start over with a foundation built on truth. But it is very difficult esp in our home. We have burnt and trashed things like bed and couch. But whore planted things specifically for me to find such as bra, underwear, card etc which made it very traumatic. She emailed me, texted and sent pics, slahed my tires, trying to get me to divorce cuz she wanted my life. She made things personal towards me and stalked me during A. Craigslist should be put out of business for the damage they contribute to society.

At 10 months post dday I finally feel safe in our home and with him. Time passing has played a big part as well as lots of deep talks and sharing.

I believe I'm moving out of the anger and rage stage. And his skills have improved in how hes helping.

Books that helped us are How to help your spouse heal from affair, after the affair and how can i forgive you by janice springs. Big takeaway is forgiveness is earned. We both didnt want ic or mc.

[This message edited by whattheh at 2:08 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always wanted to know but my ws has not given a shred. I'm rethinking my need to know. I guess no matter what, it just suck. Sucks to know, sucks to wonder. I'm sorry your hurting.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 40474
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else ever regret the knowing?

I'd rather know than not know.

I'd rather know what I'm dealing with, so I can make the best decision possible.

I am so sorry for your pain!

DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth/DDays: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)

Posts: 619 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: U.S.A.
♂ 41189
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I didn't know.

I read messages on her computer as they were "finishing" their sexting. I'd consider a slight lobotomy to get what I read out of my brain.

D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope I can't unknow the deleted texts I saw in WH's iphone. I am glad I know it because otherwise I would have never known his A was PA. But the words expressed between them both are seared in my memory

BS/FWS (me):43 Madhatter
WS/BS:46 Serial Cheater
Together 20 years, Married 15
DD(13) DS(10)
DDay(s) Too many to count
False R 7/11/14 Same OW2
"Never seek validation from those who are unworthy."

Posts: 4044 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♀ 27071
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I chose to know; I NEEDED to know and kept sleuthing. There were times I literally upchucked, there were tears, there was rage.... and there was total bewilderment as to how on earth a 60 yr old man could THINK this stuff, could WRITE this stuff to someone he had never met, how he thought it was safe to send pics of a certain body part via his company email address AND via his clients' email accounts. You're right. You cannot UN-know it and there are certain things written / sent between XH and the slunt that I'd really rather not know. That said, 3 years later, it doesn't bother me like it did and some of it I can and do actually laugh about. Because it was just so ridiculous that a 60 yr old man could act like a 12 yr old and make such a fool of himself.

I felt like knowing the whole truth was necessary to knowing the full extent of what we were dealing with, thus knowing best how to handle it / move forward.

D-Day: 8/28/2009
BW: 59 @ D-Day XH: 60 @ D-Day Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
Beyond terror is freedom. (Agnes Martin)

Posts: 1239 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri
♂ 38427
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still, I regret knowing some things regarding my FWW and her 3 year lurve affair. We chose to reconcile. I made damned sure I thought about the possible outcomes in my head before I asked some very detailed things and always tried to filter it through this- "Will my knowing this information do anything to help our R?" This allowed me to not find some of the details important, and at a year out, I have let them go. Everyone is different, but for me, this worked. I see you are in NEO. Me too. From talking to a few friends of mine, we all seem to be going through this at the same time. Maybe it is something in the water here. PM me if you want to vent a bit. God help us all through this mess.

"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 137 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 14

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