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t/j owning a success

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tesla posted 11/19/2013 18:26 PM

Will get by posted this on pass's thread:

As a single person I don't stand in anyone's shadow anymore.

I know that is true of me as I've healed from the betrayal and infidelity. I used to hide and let ex-shat shine. I used to downplay my skills and talents so that he could feel good about his.

Man, I do not do that anymore. I put myself out there and it feels great.

I'm also a hell of a lot more blunt now...which I probably could tone down a bit...but I find that I just don't give a shit at the moment. After all those years of sugar coating stuff to ex-shat and walking on egg shells I have zero problem telling it like it is.

Anyone else had this swing post D-day?

Nature_Girl posted 11/19/2013 19:05 PM

I definitely engage in self-promotion & positive self-talk now, whereas before I didn't. It feels good!

SBB posted 11/19/2013 19:33 PM

I absolutely diluted myself during that M - subconsciously dumbed myself down. He is as deep as a puddle of mud so I sought my deep and meaningful conversations elsewhere. His BFF knows more about my thoughts, feelings, childhood and life experience than he ever did. He'd visit a few times a year and we'd talk half the night - the sad clown sitting there interjecting with sports talk or inane banter. I still consider this BFF the brother I never had.

So strange that I was happy to substitute - a part of my FOO is adapting no matter what, no matter how fucked up.

'We' were firmly focused in his career. We discussed it at length. He was studying for our entire 9.5y relationship.

I stop back and shone all the light on to him. That's what support is about, right? I would reap the rewards of my investment and sacrifices, right?

I still want to kick myself sometimes but I do think a healthy partnership does have elements of this - the crucial difference being its not always the same person in the limelight. It is give and take.

The 'me' in it is giving more than I gave to myself. I do hope to help another shine again one day but never again will I give another more than I give myself.

I've always been bolshy/blunt - it is something I have rediscovered. I like it.

I think you're awesome - I much prefer to know what someone thinks, perpetually OTT polite, amenable people give me the creeps. The world would be a far less confusing place if everyone said what they meant and meant what they said.

Tripletrouble posted 11/19/2013 19:38 PM

Wow yes!!! I always felt second best. Now I get to feel good about myself again!

k94ever posted 11/19/2013 21:12 PM

That was our dynamic. FWS had to shine or everything fell apart. His cheating started the same time I was in a more important job then he was.

And I was happy to step back from the limelight to let him shine. It made me happy for him to have the spotlight because it made him happy.

Now that he's gone I've started spreading my wings. My friends all comment on how I'm coming into my own now and how proud they are of me.

I do know I can never go back to the shadows again.


dmari posted 11/19/2013 22:20 PM

It's sad, isn't it. For the sake of the marriage and its dynamics and slowly over time, I certainly minimized my intelligence and potential. I take ownership of that. I recognize that it was part of my codependency problem.

Putting myself out there and graciously receiving positive feedback and compliments are still tricky for me but I'm getting better. It feels so good to be me!

Let's continue moving forward with our bad ass selves!!

FaithFool posted 11/19/2013 22:23 PM

Hell yeah!

gma56 posted 11/19/2013 22:34 PM

I found my bitch again after she hid for 30 yrs from me. I could have really used her during a few of those years too !
A few times I had to reign her in because ...well she's a bitch.

Housefulloflove posted 11/19/2013 23:14 PM

I don't know if I've reached that swing yet. I'm starting to see clearly just how much of past successes have been "me" and not "we" thanks to family, friends and the state of Ex's life now that I'm not in it "controlling" him by doing everything that he refused to do, but I still find it hard to accept that fully.

Vulcanized posted 11/20/2013 04:30 AM

Still working on that one! IRL, the facade is pretty balls out, the reality is totally different, if that makes sense. Sorta blow back, as XH would not approve of how I currently look. The look doesn't equal the internal, at all. Quite a disproportionate thing, actually. The nature of my job is very extroverted, dealing w/the public. The reality, no, no, no. But it is easy to hide behind a persona, for work.

I've always been bolshy/blunt

SBB, what does bolshy mean?

SBB posted 11/20/2013 05:13 AM

SBB, what does bolshy mean?

I use it meaning as ballsy, fearless but when I looked it up it said this. This is sort of true too on a bad day. But I'm mostly charming about it....
(of a person or attitude) deliberately combative or uncooperative.

cmego posted 11/20/2013 08:04 AM


Ex is an extrovert, I'm an introvert. He wanted to shine, and I was happy to be the dutiful wife, behind the scenes supporting him.

I remember getting some great artistic recognition, and ex didn't even acknowledge it. Or, he would only comment on it around other people…you know….to make himself look better, "See what a talented wife I have??" He wouldn't say, "Cmego…you are so talented." It used to really confuse me, but it all came crystal clear later.

Now, I go for what I want to do. I don't hide my talents, I toot my own damn horn, I am waaaay smarter than I knew I was…and I am much more cut and dry with people who hurt me. I don't give second chances any longer

Pass posted 11/20/2013 09:51 AM

I remember getting some great artistic recognition, and ex didn't even acknowledge it.

cmego, The Princess took this one step further: She regularly told me that if she ever cared to put forth the effort to learn how to play an instrument, she would be a much better musician than I am.

Then when I was acknowledged as being the best programmer in the country in the software I use, she said the same thing about that. "I could be a much better programmer than you if I wanted to be."

It must be such a burden to have all that boundless talent.

[This message edited by pass at 9:52 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Rainbows posted 11/20/2013 12:16 PM

I'm not quite there yet. Wow, I used to downplay myself and step aside for the Ex, too. I wasn't even conscious of it until reading this post (brought a rush of memories and feelings).

It's weird, I always felt like he was competing with me. Like K94ever, his A started right after I got a huge bump in my career.

It's encouraging to read that there will be a swing and someday I might actually be proud of myself and my accomplishments.

Lola2kids posted 11/20/2013 13:28 PM

I can relate with a lot of these posts.

Like Pass, X used to say all the time that he was smarter than me so I should just let him make the decisions.

I used to correct his emails before he sent them to his boss. English is not his first language. I never used slang or coloquialisms with him. Although he would get mad if I corrected his grammar when speaking.

I used to keep to myself at work thinking he wouldn't like it.

Now I speak up at meetings. I use large words with him that I know that he doesn't know.
I am a different person now. I see the real me re-emerging from the lump that I had become.

Oh yes, I can relate. He was an emotionally abusive vampire and he was sucking the life out of me.

Bebba1171 posted 11/20/2013 17:14 PM


I am in Sales and my results keep getting better and better. I tell it like it is more and more and customers appreciate my honesty and bluntness.

Some of it comes from age, but most of it comes from going through the infidelity to divorce to new beginning cycle that we have gone through..

tesla posted 11/20/2013 21:31 PM

Pass, ex-shat did a similar thing to me as well. He would always talk about how if he had the same educational opportunities as I had he would have been able to get into harvard. Or how he could be a faster runner than me if he didn't have to work all the time and actually have the free time to train like I could. Or how he could be a better writer than me if he had time to waste like I did. (You know, cause I was a SAHM and all I did was sit around and eat chocolate bon-bons.) If he ever gave me a compliment on being successful or doing something well, it always revolved around something I did for HIM.

Pass posted 11/20/2013 21:47 PM

tesla, I wish I had been a SAHM. I love bon-bons!

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