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My heart is breaking

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Chrysalis123 posted 11/19/2013 18:41 PM

I have written about my DD18 many times before. Most recently she stole several times from me, and she was asked to move out after blatantly disregarding my requests for actions to replace the items, show remorse and retribution. (This is after beginning her stealing career at 13)

Since moving out she has done nothing to repair the situation or restore the relationship. But, i did discover she had stolen an expensive piece of jewelry, which she returned after saying "I forgot about that". And she has not tried to talk with me since moving out, except once to ask me for money.

However, 6 months ago I bought plane tickets for both DD's and I to travel to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. DD18 has a ticket.

Today she texts me and starts with "please text me the details of the flight" Remember we haven't spoken for 6 weeks when I said our relationship is up to you. It got worse from that point on including tons of manipulation techniques such as shaming, blameshifting, diverting, character assination, word salad, bullying etc. after I kept bringing the conversation back toward the thefts, her attitude , and her lack of respect for me or her grandparents.

I tell you it felt horrible that my precious kids views me as a monster that is out to get her. I also know her horrid attitude toward me will ruin the trip for all of us.

I can't understand how DD even wants to go after the thefts and now after this rude exchange.

My question is how do I tell this kid she is not going in language that is protective for me.
I feel sick to my stomach, but i know after typing this out what I need to do.

PS: My parents want to see her and want me to say, "If you (DD18) pay the fee to change the date of the flight we would love to see you on your own.

What about that idea?

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 6:56 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Williesmom posted 11/19/2013 19:08 PM

I say that if she stays home, she may break into your house and steal your stuff. If she goes along, you'll know where she is.

Eta: I'm so sorry. My post sounds snarky, but I can just see it happening.

[This message edited by Williesmom at 7:09 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Kalliopeia posted 11/19/2013 19:15 PM

She sounds borderline.

You won't get anywhere with her until she feels you are on her side. For a borderline, feelings are reality.

Personally, I would back off and make sure she knows she is welcome. This is your child. At 18, she is still a child and she is rebelling the hell out of you.

Are you going to spat with her right now, or take her with you to remind her what family is all about?

Chrysalis123 posted 11/19/2013 19:25 PM

Williesmom....she will be locked out so the house will be safe.

Kalli...that is my internal struggle. Her dad is NPD. he has actively alienated her from me for years and she has in turn shown more and more NPD characteristics. The more I give the more she takes, manipulates, and lies.

Thank you for your help.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 7:31 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

somanyyears posted 11/19/2013 19:34 PM


..teenages????? know you're right.. so... time for tough love!

..anything else won't be respected in the long run.

..hopefully, she'll get it when she matures.

..and, yes, it is heartbreaking


Jrazz posted 11/19/2013 19:44 PM

She sounds like my SIL and FIL, both of whom we have been instructed by counselors to keep at polite arms length.

It's a horse of a different color when it's your kid, and I can't imagine how much this hurts.

I would say to give her the ticket info, nothing else. You're not responsible for teaching her how to behave anymore. Yes, 18 is still a "teenager" but she's treated you reprehensibly and I don't see how she's going to change or "see the light" without psychological intervention.

If you don't give her the ticket, she will try to demonize you further to her family for taking it away. You are completely within your rights, but the borderline/NPD/BPD have a special way of getting the community to rally around their supposed victimhood.

Let this be the last handout - the last favor or promise you make to her. Since the plan was already in place I don't see it as you being taken advantage of so much as just following through on a commitment. After this, you do the 180. As for T-Giving, I say be a beacon of calm and try to ignore her antics. I'd say completely ignore her, but I know that has to be impossible.

You be calm and kind and balanced, and let her unravel around you. Then next time she asks you for something, just say with clinical coolness that until she's ready to pay you back for what she's stolen, the shop is closed.


[This message edited by Jrazz at 7:49 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

authenticnow posted 11/19/2013 20:39 PM


lieshurt posted 11/19/2013 20:51 PM


I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you and I'm so sorry you are in pain. I don't have an answer to your question, but wanted you to know I'm keeping you in my prayers.

Kalliopeia posted 11/19/2013 20:58 PM

I didn't understand NPD was in this. I sent you a link in a PM.

I never met anyone as soul crushing as NPD can be.

Jrazz posted 11/20/2013 11:49 AM

Thinking about you today.

StillLivin posted 11/20/2013 13:55 PM

Honestly, I wouldn't pay for anything, and I would inform her that until she can treat me the way I deserve to be treated I'm initiating NC. If you want a relationship, then your actions will dictate how I receive you.
It's not cheating, but generally the same things apply. This is hard. I've done it before and doing it now with the youngest for just disrespect. The oldest took a few years to figure it out, but I didn't allow him to continue breaking my heart.
If you take her, she will only ruin what should be a great time for all. You will have wasted quite a bit of money as well.
Best of luck. And hang in there, they eventually grow up.

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