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dealing with the surroundings

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nogoodap1 posted 11/19/2013 21:04 PM

how do you make someone who has done absolutely nothing in a relationship not a bitch to family and friends?

while I'm making changes in my life and one to include telling my best friend that I don't want his wife to be around because of a past me and her shared (before my best friend and her started dating). that I lied to my BGF about. And even though my BGF has done nothing wrong. my friend seems to think she's the bitch controlling my life even though I'm doing this on my own accord.

And choices I'm making involving certain parts of my life, cellphone, accounts, passwords and things I do after D-Day that my family knows about and all the sudden. she, again is a manipulating control freak.

I've done the lying, I've done the cheating, I've done the TT, I've done the manipulating, I've done it all... I'm the P.O.S. NOT HER!!!!

She gave me the opportunity to do right and I messed up big time.....

Why can't they see it as fixing the things I've done and making our life better. Instead of putting the blame on her?

Jrazz posted 11/20/2013 00:07 AM

Can you take that paragraph, tweak the pronouns, and send it to your friend?

I was always the bitch to some of FWH's friends because he didn't want to go along with them and it was easier to scapegoat me. Instead of saying, "Nah, I don't feel like going out." he would just say he couldn't, and let them think I was the reason. Which I wasn't.

Tell him exactly why you are choosing to do this. Stand up for her. You can do it.

vivere posted 11/20/2013 00:10 AM

Why don't you just take ownership of the actions? Tell them it's what you want, that you are the driving force behind your decisions. Not her.

soconfusednow posted 11/20/2013 00:40 AM

I think most people just don't get it unless they've been there.

About 2 years ago I met a BS who's H left her for the OW, I'm ashamed to say I thought You are just pathetic, no wonder he left you, just get over it. I hope I never vocalized any of my negative thoughts.

For a while I though my H's A was the Lord teaching me compassion in this area. Now I know that's not true, but wonder how I'll use my new found knowledge in the future.

Tell him exactly why you are choosing to do this. Stand up for her. You can do it.

Jrazz has this one right.

nogoodap1 posted 11/20/2013 05:49 AM

That's just it. I have said I'm making these decisions not her. I guess its easier for them to blame her than someone they have known for decades. "nogoodap1 was never like this before he met her, she's to blame!!"

well nogoodap1 was also a lying cheating manipulator before who needed to change.

I guess they feel that when I make those statements that I'm whipped. so I don't know how to make them see its my decision. any ideas?

SandAway posted 11/20/2013 08:22 AM

Well maybe it is time for new friends.

If he knows that you had an A and that you were intimate with his W at one time yet he still shrugs it all off making your WGF as the problem, then that speaks volumes right there.

What else do you need to to show that he is NOT a friend of your relationship? His attitude will never change.

Does your family also feel this way about her or is it just your friends?

Neznayou posted 11/20/2013 08:24 AM

I tried to explain why I was making the decisions that I was making post-DDay and was accused of being co-dependent. No matter how I worded it, the other party persisted in believing that my BH was controlling me and that I couldn't see it because I was too close. The fact that this person used to be a close friend before I had an Affair with her SO might have had something to do with it. (Overall, she had a very unexpected reaction to me after DDay. For a while, she acted like she wanted to maintain our friendship. I gave up trying to figure out where that was coming from and we did end up severing ties. My top priorities are the future of my relationship with BH and fixing me; I'm not going to spend energy anywhere else.)

NoGoodUsername posted 11/20/2013 16:03 PM

My BW also got blamed. It was completely unfair, uncalled for and untrue. The fact that happened did huge damage, basically being another betrayal. If any good came out of it, it snapped my ass right out of the affair fog. Seeing her blamed for my bad choices and actions is still infuriating. I don't even want to talk about how big a blow that was to her. It's even more unjust than my affair and more #$%$ victim blaming.

5454real posted 11/20/2013 16:21 PM

I guess they feel that when I make those statements that I'm whipped. so I don't know how to make them see its my decision. any ideas?

Why do you care about their feelings? None of them are your SO. She's the one person that you need to concern yourself with.

Put it VERY bluntly. Tell them that it you making these changes for yourself. If they continue to blame your SO, you will need to remove them from your social circle.

nogoodap1 posted 11/20/2013 21:44 PM

I'm gonna have to prepare a list of things I need to say to my family and my friend(s). because I have a problem of thinking of what I need to say and then getting thrown off track by what they say.

She needs to be defended. and done in a nasty way if need be to let them know she's the victim. not certain liberties I use to take that were damaging to my relationship.

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